Updates and speaking of dates...

Hello again blog,
We’ve been apart for some time now it feels. It’s hard to believe the last time I wrote was in late October. Let me update a bit. Life has been good and I’m still taking it easy. I find that on some levels I’m still healing from my last breakup. It’s been a challenge at times to re-examine my thoughts on how I view God’s leading, how view the way relationships should be done, how I view the emotions of a woman. I’ve asked a lot of questions and done a lot of thinking and talking with friends. I’m glad to say that through all my speculation I’m sure the Lord has it all figured out and this takes some pressure off. My approach has been to simply have the faith of a child. A child doesn’t worry about where their next meal will come from or if they’ll have a roof over their head tomorrow or any of that. A child has a simple faith. As I’ve had time to take a step back and rethink some things, I’ve come to realize just how much we can complicate life. Trying to discern and read God can really come back to bite you if you put too much weight on what you think He’s doing. It’s one thing to trust God for your future, but it’s whole different thing to trust God for the future that you want for yourself and get upset when He starts doing something different.
I continue to recover and regroup emotionally and spiritually. I say I’ve taken things a day at a time because frankly that’s all I’ve had strength to do. I’m healing well however, growing still, drawing near to Him, and pursuing Him where He has me today. I’ve realized that it takes more faith to trust God when I truly don’t know what’s next than it does to trust Him for what I in my mind THINKS is next. I’m tired of worrying what’s next. The interior repair job is going well. It can be hard at times learning new things and getting frustrated when I mess it up. It’s a fun job though. I look forward to getting better and doing it well. The pool job let me go. The owner wanted to fire one of his employees and seemed to have all these dreams of hiring me on full time eventually to take his place. He talked it up real big even though I told him I’d given my other job a 2 year commitment. I worked at the pool job part time for a little while until he asked me one day if I was good with going full time in January. I told him again I had given my word to the other job. I was willing to work part time for the pool job until God closed the door on it and I went full time with the other one or until something else happened. I don’t know the future but I was willing to continue and let God do what He wanted to do. The night before my next workday at just after 10pm the owner sent me a text message and let me go, saying my last paychecks would be taped to his door. I was disappointed he did it over text message and that he was willing to move forward and expect me to break the commitment I’d given to the other job for him. What would it have said of me if I couldn’t keep my word with someone else? I’m glad God did this however. There was a lot of drama with that company that I was brought into unnecessarily and I just trust that God was protecting me from something He didn’t want for me. I’ve picked up some construction work with my pastor and am working my main job part time. Looks like I’ve been learning a lot of new things lately.
Still leading music at church and teaching every now and then. I got to do almost the entire Christmas service… it was stressful with so much on my shoulders and a number of technical difficulties all happening at once, but we pulled it off! The gospel was preached, though I could’ve been a little deeper and had more application I think. It was a simple message. My friend and I are talking of teaching an evangelism class. I’ve dreamed of doing that for some time. We’d probably start with the youth and see how it would go with the adults. We’ll see if it actually happens this time, lol. It takes a lot of planning and commitment to do something like that.
Other than that, I’m pleased to announce I’ve quit the world of online dating. I met a wonderful woman on Christianmingle. We chatted for about a week, then dated a few times over a period of about a month, then we decided to tell the others we were talking to that we planned to invest in eachother. We agreed that the next logical step was make it official. Since her parents aren’t believers, I pursued the man who she considers her spiritual father, asked his blessing, and we’ve been together for about 2 months now. I never thought I’d ever agree to just casual dating, but this was different. It wasn’t without direction or without talk of serious things. She’s 23 and has been saved for about 6 years. She’s the only believer in her family as I am. Strangely enough we have a very similar personality mix, though that ultimately isn’t a big deal for me… it’s just a plus. Being with her has shown me just how much Choleric is mixed into my personality or is at least learned. It’s interesting how well we can interact, joke, and yet have deep conversations. Beyond all this, it’s been so refreshing for me to actually feel wanted for the man who God has made me. For so long now and especially recently I’ve felt so rejected. For so long I’d heard things like, “Joseph, you’re a great guy, but…” I’d heard it in so many ways that I was growing so tired. I’d also shown it in so many ways as best I could… with the women in my life as friends and even those whom I was interested in and when I was in a relationship. It just seemed however that no matter how much I did, no matter how hard I tried, no matter much I tried to show love, leadership, and protection to my sisters in Christ… when it came to more than friends, it was always met with the message that it wasn’t good enough for one reason or another. I kept asking God why He made me the man I am and why He taught me what He had only for it to be rejected. It seems that only a woman who had been treated badly, who couldn’t find a man with the courage to pursue, who was willing to give and be vulnerable but was tired of being taken advantage of… only this kind of woman could appreciate a man that treats her well. And this is what has happened. If I’m to be honest… I found it hard to believe a woman like this could exist. I was beginning to lose hope in women altogether. God has been gracious to me. Though I refuse to presume I know the future… I’m glad that today God has given me a woman who is more than I’d hoped for. She’s not perfect, but that’s good because that means we have something in common!

Being Faithful Where I Am

"...I try and try
To read your mind
‘Cause I forget that patience is a virtue
You’re teaching me to hold on tight

(Chorus)
‘Cause I don’t know how the story ends
But I’ll be alright ‘cause You wrote it
I don’t know where the highway bends
But I’m doing just fine
‘Cause You’re in control
Even when I don’t know
Where my life’s gonna go
You’re keeping me guessing

So slow me down
Show me around
I want to see the world
That I’ve been without
I am here and now
The future is out of my hands..." -Keeping Me Guessing By Francesca Battistelli



Today is a slightly grumpy and tired day, but you probably can't read it on my front door. Was up late with a friend having a great time of laughter and inside jokes then up even later watching Fireproof again. I was reminded and encouraged when the dad in the movie says in the Love Dare book that "Love in it's truest sense is not based on feelings." Oh how often I've thought lately... what if Jesus' love for us was based on things we did or how He felt at the time. I'm so thankful Christ gives us a picture of biblical love and so glad at how His example has penetrated and dominated my thinking on the subject.

As to "love," I find myself having entered the world of online Christian dating. Had a few interesting experiences... one of them taught me a lot about how shallow I can be, but beyond that it helped to humble me, which I always need. It seems God knew what He was doing in that situation... doesn't He always? Other than that, I find it's an interesting world... the people on the site don't play games at all. They're either going to get to know ya on purpose for the possibility of a relationship or they don't want to waste time. The ones nearer my age are looking toward marriage. That's what I like so much about all this... both people know why they're on the site and are unashamed of that. It's refreshing really. We'll see what God does. I've learned so much about contentment in this area. In some sense my head is still left spinning at what looks like my inability to see what God is or isn't doing. I feel a lot like Miss Battistelli in the lyrics above... God is "keeping me guessing." What I'm beginning to learn though is that it doesn't help much to wear yourself out continuing the guessing. Jeremy Camp sings a song called "one Day at a Time" that ends this way...

"One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And i'll give all i can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things i will press on
I'll be with you i know it wont be long"


Amen to that. Ya know... I'm done trying to figure God out. I'm done thinking I know what He's doing. I'm ready to just let God be God and rest knowing that if I throw my hands up in confusion... that the confusion must come from me or another human being because God is not the author of confusion. He's got this. Thank you Lord... for being You.

In the spirit of taking it a day at a time, I've been leading music, choosing songs, and practicing with the worship team at church. It's a whole new world, but I'm enjoying being involved... taking responsibility. The only frustrating part is that I don't like looking at the congregation during the service. I look down or up. I don't want their eyes on me or to know their eyes are on me. It's not about me and I don't even want a hint of it feeling that way. Musical worship should be such that it's as if no one else is in the room. Mmmm, one day we'll be with Him as Jeremy Camp said and I can't wait for that day. I've also had the privilege of making the announcement powerpoints for before service. I like doing the little behind the scenes monotonous stuff! The pastor and I are also rotating through teaching Hebrews Sunday nights. I've enjoyed it so far. I SO thank God for the opportunities to serve Him and gain experience here at my church! Looks like I'll be here doing it for awhile longer too...

Doors have opened to learn a couple new trades... I'll be learning to service swimming pools and to do interior work on cars. There is some risk involved, but honestly... I'm at the point in my life where I need the risk. It'll be good to get out of the grocery business for at least a couple years. Hopefully, but not expectantly the Lord will provide the next steps in life in this season here in Texas. But right now... I have today and today doesn't worry about tomorrow, it's faithful with what it's given. I've been given a wonderful church with people and leaders that trust me and encourage my involvement! I'm being given jobs that will grant the freedom I've wanted for so long now AND let me learn something new! I've been given people and friends to whom I can minister and who can minister to me! I've been given Today! Oh Lord may I not waste it...

Devote Yourself... Immerse Yourself...

"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. 13Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. 14Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. 15Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. 16Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers." -1 Tim. 4:12-16


A good friend recently gave me some timeless advice... he said when he was going through a difficult time emotionally, he immersed himself in ministry. As I've struggled with maintaining emotional stability I've realized that I have too much time on my hands. Too much time can lead to too much speculation, too much remembering, too much worrying about tomorrow when today has enough in itself. So I've made the decision to be busy about the things of God. My pastor has been prodding me to learn to lead music. I think he wants to eventually give me that responsibility. I texted him and said let's do it and let's also plan the next time I get to preach. I need to be in the Word more. I read every day, but I need to serve others with it. I know there's an interesting phenomenon that when you invest in the lives of others and serve them... you're own troubles have a way of fading into the background. So, Lord... may that happen for me as I immerse myself in the things of You, the gems of Your Word, and the service of Your people.

More From Sacred Marriage By Gary Thomas

"A magnificent marriage begins not with knowing one another, but with knowing God." -Gary and Betsy Ricucci

Gary explains how his single life changed after marriage.. "Overnight everything had changed. My usual rituals and spiritual habits just didn't seem to 'fit' my life anymore. I had to find new ones."

"Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation. It's easy to get along with people if you never get close to them. I could undoubtedly allow a certain immaturity to remain in my life as a single man, choosing not to deal with my selfishness and judgmental spirit..."

"I'm not obligated to be in a relationship with everybody, so there's nothing inherently wrong with simply sidestepping people who really raise my blood pressure. That option is obliterated in marriage. My wife and I live together every day. We are going to disagree about some things, and I am unquestionably obligated to maintain my intimacy with her. When we face unrealized expectations, disappoint each other, or even maliciously wound each other, will we allow dissension-which God hates-to predominate, or will we do the necessary relational work to press ahead to unity?"

"Many marital disputes result precisely from this: 'You want something but don't get it.' James says we don't get it because we're looking in the wrong place. Instead of placing demands on your spouse, look to God to have your needs met."

Gary confronts a common misconception that young single adults often believe "once their life mate is found, they assume, everything else will fall into place. Their loneliness, their insecurity, their worries about their own significance-all this and more will somehow mystically melt away in the fire of marital passion."

"When disillusionment breaks through, we have one of two choices: Dump our spouse and become infatuated with somebody new, or seek to understand the message behind the disillusionment-that we should seek our significance, meaning, and purpose in our Creator rather than in another human being."

From C. S. Lewis... "If you want to make sure of keeping [your heart] intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

"Kathleen and Thomas Hart write, 'Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves. As one young woman who had been married for about a year said, 'I always thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person. Then I began to wonder if that was because I had never before gotten close to anyone. In marriage, when John and I began... dealing with differences, I how saw small and unforgiving I could be. I discovered a hardness in me I had never experienced before.'"

"I believe it is possible to enter marriage with a view to being cleansed spiritually, if, that is, we do so with a willingness to embrace marriage as a spiritual discipline. To do this, we must not enter marriage predominantly to be fulfilled, emotionally satisfied, or romantically charged, but rather to become more like Jesus Christ. We must embrace the reality of having our flaws exposed to our partner, and thereby having them exposed to us as well. Sin never seems quite as shocking when it is known only to us; when we see how it looks or sounds to another, it is magnified ten times over."

"The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a 'better' wife."

About God's relationship with Israel... "Now take these examples and break them down, thinking of them in a smaller context. There were times of great joy and celebration, frustration and anger, infidelity and apostasy, and excruciating seasons of silence. Sound like any relationship you know? Your own marriage, for example? Viewed through this lens, the marriage relationship allows us to experientially identify with God and His relationship with Israel."

"So often it isn't that our marriages are either good or bad-they just are. We get tired of the routine and the sameness, and our souls occasionally grow numb toward each other. Kathleen and Thomas Hart depict it this way: 'Marriage is a long walk two people take together. Sometimes the terrain is very interesting, sometimes rather dull. At times the walk is arduous, for both person or for one. Sometimes the conversation is lively; at other times, there is not much to say. The travelers do not know exactly where they are going, nor when they will arrive.'"

"When I hear of couples who break up after just three or four years, I feel sad because they haven't even begun to experience what being married is really like. It's sort of like climbing halfway up a mountain but never getting to see the sights; you're in the middle of the task, your soul is consumed with the struggle, but it's too much too soon to experience the full rewards. Evaluating your marriage so soon is like trying to eat a cake that's half baked. Becoming one-in the deepest, most intimate sense-takes time. It's a journey that never really ends, but it takes at least the span of a decade for the sense of intimacy to really display itself in the marriage relationship."

About the world of earthly and horizontal considerations VS the world of heavenly eternal considerations, "Around which world is your life centered? Your marriage will ultimately reveal the answer to that question."

"We're always looking at what our spouses have done wrong, but God wants us to deal with our own heart first."

"They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake." -Alexander Pope

"We have it so easy that we can begin to be lulled to sleep, thinking that life should be easy or that it will always be easy. Once it gets a little difficult, we tend to become consumed with trying to make our lives comfortable again. But by doing so we miss a great spiritual opportunity."

"Our demands for comfort and ease show us what we truly value. It is the definitive demonstration of whether we are living for God's kingdom and service or for our own comfort and reputation."

If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it's that a good marriage is not something you find, it's something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must at times confront, and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential."

"One of the great spiritual challenges for any Christian is to become less self-absorbed. We are born intensely self-focused."

"I believe that Christian marriage is also about learning to fall forward. Obstacles arise, anger flares up, and weariness dulls our feelings and our senses. When this happens the spiritually immature respond by pulling back, becoming more distant from their spouse, or even seeking to start over with somebody 'more exciting.' Yet maturity is reached by continuing to move forward past the pain and apathy."

"Even in the moments of anger, betrayal, exasperation, and hurt, we are called to pursue this person, to embrace them, and to grow toward them, to let our love redefine our feelings of disinterest, frustration, and even hate." AMEN!

"Many married couples have experienced this same phenomenon. Our thinking and our turn of phrases have literally been so shaped by each other's presence that we have begun to resemble one person."

"In the rush of infatuation, the person standing before us seems virtually infinite in his or her mystery, beauty, insight, and ability to create the feeling of pure pleasure in us. Just a few months or perhaps years later, it is amazing how finite and earthly this 'angel' has become."




Lord, my prayers continue. Thank you God for bringing this book into my life. The truth contained in it I believe is probably the best weapon against the road that leads to divorces. Lord, did you bring me this book so I can use it in counseling in the future? Did you bring it to comfort and affirm me in my time of great need? Did you send it to me at this exact time in my life to let me know I'm not crazy? To let me know that it's not just my sphere of influence agreeing with me? Oh Lord... for whatever reasons you brought me this book, it has done all those things. God I thank you for this author and how he has shown me that I'm not alone. Oh Father... you have shown me so much. Help me now to let these truths and your sovereignty reach my heart more and more as the days and hours pass.

Happy Birthday in Chicago.

This past weekend was such a blessing to my heart. A friend paid to fly me up to Chicago for Saturday through Tuesday night. Not only that, but he took days off for us to spend time together and... planned a surprise party for me! About 8 friends hid in my room with the light off only to surprise me with balloons and happy birthdays. I was SO touched and I SO needed it. We hung out, had pizza, and played Apples to Apples. I got to use some birthday money to get a new Moody hat, some running shoes, and a copy of Sacred Influence By Gary Thomas. I got to meet with my two favorite professors... Dr. Burke and prof. Dallesandro. Had coffee with a friend, played pool and Foosball with a friend, hung out with others. I got to do some street preaching with Matthew. I'm sad to say dancing didn't work out. I got to see nearly everyone I wanted to. I even got to go running along the beach twice. God is so good.

Being there gave me time to take a step back from this past year since I finished... to rest, regroup emotionally, and draw strength from the Lord in a fresh way. Walking around campus I could very much relate to Proverbs 14:13, "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." The past few days have allowed me to come to terms with my last few memories of Moody, the environment, the campus, what I did and where I stood, and the things on my mind. Though I was laughing with friends, giving hugs, and having fun... I found that some memories (no matter how good they were) could be colored by what happens after them. Sometimes our life experiences come to carry a different significance and different emotions as our life plays out. I was encouraged however that as I really sought the Lord about where my heart was... I found that I was not consumed by the "ache." The school is remodeling Culby 2 and soon the prayer chapel would no longer exist. I later found that students weren't allowed on the floor. That's ok... I'm no longer a student! As I walked in the room the doors were removed, but everything else was untouched. It felt as if (though I'm prolly stretching it, lol) God knew I'd be returning that weekend. I spent so much time in prayer, so many Wednesdays with the Lord in that room. I'd shed tears there, trained students for evangelism, lifted up my sisters in Christ, and wrestled with God about what He was doing in my life.

I took the time meet with the Lord there one last time... to pray, to cry, to sing, and in the spirit of the Psalmists... to ask God to remember me. I asked Him to remember the times we shared in that room, the requests I made, the issues I wrestled with Him about... they haven't changed. The trip ended with an encouraging thought brought back to my memory. Matthew 6 says not to worry about your needs, that worrying will not add a single hour to your life. It says not to worry about tomorrow, the future, because today has enough in itself. Though I've read those words so many times... my emotions forgot them. It seems a constant struggle for us weak and fearful creatures to connect our heart and our head... our desires and our Theology. I flew home with a renewed sense that God has my future in His hands, where it has always been. It's safe there. God knew what He was doing, still knows what He is doing, and still knows what He will do. I must not worry about tomorrow, for my needs will be provided by the Lord in His time. He knows what is best for me and even when I don't understand Him and can't see what He is doing... I know that He is preparing my future for me and me for my future. Take your time Lord.