The hardest part is not knowing… some would argue. But not knowing combined with but closed doors is much harder. I’ve had such mixed emotions lately… some of them more human than biblical. I feel like hope has been drained from me. A friend said I have hope in Jesus Christ, but clichés and truths I know perhaps too well aren’t much help to me lately. I have nothing tangible in front of me to cling to. Maybe I’m walking by sight and not by faith. I’ve spent hours searching for the church where God would have me to serve. Yet… I continue to be shut down. Another candidate seems to always be more qualified or a “better fit” or more what they’re looking for. Is it because I'm young, unmarried, and too far away geographically? Probably to some degree. Lord, if only you would have started your ministry in your 20's... THEN I'd have something to point to in Scripture!!! lol A friend is urging me to look more in Texas (there's a fairly large Baptist Church nearby that just lost their pastor to an unexpected death), but… I still don’t want to be in this state. Maybe God’s plan is different than mine. I was really looking forward to New York and more of a country life. A part of me missed it while I was there. It felt like I’d been in a cage for the longest time and was able to experience freedom for a few days. It reminded me of my days living near Azle, TX in 5th grade. Well, maybe that’s not His plan either. Maybe. I got to preach at church this past Sunday and many people seemed to benefit and thanked me afterward. In fact I got an email from a woman at church just today that said in part, "I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed, was taught, and edified by your message on Sunday. You are obviously gifted in the area of teaching. Your timing and enunciation were excellent and I noticed that everyone paid very close attention to you."
God, if I’m doing something right… why am I still not allowed to pursue what you’ve called me to? I just don’t understand. I know who I am in Christ and where God has brought me. A friend who lives nearby has often reminded me of who I used to be. We grew up together. He saw the way I was raised and the way I rebelled against God with my lifestyle. Maybe I’ve forgotten. It’s encouraging in a way… but discouraging also. God, if you’ve made me this man I am… why am I not allowed yet to be that man for the purpose which you’ve made me? The only conclusion I see is that while I feel ready… Maybe God’s not. Maybe He’s still got lessons for me to learn before the time comes. Or maybe He’s still preparing the people and the place for me to serve. Maybe they’re not ready yet. Maybe… my wife is also not ready yet so God hasn’t sent her to me. I’m sick and tired of “maybe.”
I still find myself checking my phone for her text messages when I wake up, when I lay down, throughout the day, at work. But… it’s always followed by the reminder that I won’t be getting a text message, not like before. It’s not easy you know? Since graduation I’ve received 4 or 5 wedding invitations from friends I went to college with... all of them younger than me. I’ve seen wedding photos on facebook, statuses, updates, engagements, honeymoon plans, rings. I still look up with tears. God, I want to do it right but I don’t know how many more times I can go through “a process to see if.” So many people have tried their hand at consolation lately. Their motives are good, but their help is sadly not helpful. To say it will never work out, that it’s over, that it’s done… is just as presumptuous as for me to say it will work out, to hold out hope, to continue pursuing, to presume a future that may never happen. It never ceases to amaze me the number of opinions people have. There are always stories of how God has worked that line up with those opinions and stories that run completely contrary to those opinions. I find myself frustrated at how quickly God is forgotten in all the speculation. It’s not ultimately a matter of what should or shouldn’t be done, but rather… it’s a matter of what God wants done. His opinions win the day. The unknown element in all the stories, all the perspectives, all the philosophies, all the books written, all the preferences and strategies… is God Himself. Yet so few are those who will say the answer isn’t in giving up or holding on. The answer is in trusting God, thanking God for what He’s now doing though we don’t understand it, singing praise to Him Who’s ways are not our ways. The answer is the sovereign One who orders our steps, who steers and directs, who opens and closes doors, who pushes play and stop and even pause, who tells the hands of the clock when to move. HE is the answer. To focus on Him and to be with Him is the hope we’ve had since the beginning and the hope we’ll have despite what our life “plans” look like. The answer is to point ourselves to the Lord and let all else fade away.
Though I hurt He has granted me a unique strength at this time, a faithful reminder that I only really need Him, I’ve only ever needed Him. So I take a deep breath and press on toward what it’s in front of me. I spent much time in prayer recently about what steps I’ll take. The church in IN seems to be a closed door. Soon I will begin looking for secular work here in TX that can allow me move out and begin a life of my own. All I’m getting are closed doors and until one opens I need to just move forward and see where God takes me. And as to romance? I still need to heal. I'm not in a place to pursue anyone right now. If someone comes along and I think God may be doing it, I'll deal with that then. As for now, I need time.
“Sigh, Lord God I know your plans are best, but what are your plans??!! Only You know. Lord help me to persevere in You. Even perseverance is increasingly tiresome God. I’m so weary. Lord, help me trust You in the unknown. Help me to take steps of faith because that’s often where You are. Lord, just help me…”
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Under the Sunset with Hannah... God, Did I Really Deserve This? Nope!
At the gym the other day I was listening to John Waller’s song, “While I’m Waiting.” It’s a song that has been very special to me in the past year or two as I wondered when God would bring me a godly woman. But now I listen to it in a new season of waiting. Though we aren’t married, He has still provided a wonderful woman. I don’t know the future, but God does and… I’m hopeful… that He has a future for Hannah and I. Now I listen to John Waller’s song wondering when all of the pieces of my life will come together. I’m not getting any younger last I checked, but I’m trying to do what I can to enjoy life and pursue what He has next for me.
At work recently as I was putting out strawberries I noticed the employees in the meat market behind me laughing and enjoying themselves. You see in the meat market at night there’s not much work to do. In fact as best I could see from the few experiences working there, it was at least 75% less work and stress than Produce. It’s easier on the body… that’s why I was trying to transfer into that department. I watched the guy who seems to have filled the spot I was going for. “That could have been me” I thought. It was frustrating. But it wasn’t just this time that weighed on my mind. I’ve had so many other closed doors lately… I’ve tried to train in Starbucks at work to do something new and maybe pull me away from Produce, but they weren’t able to pay training hours for someone who was already an employee. I’ve worked a couple nights in Bakery I applied for a Call Center position with a Christian video producing company where my best friend works… paid over $9 in tolls for the interview… and still didn’t get the job. I was flown all the way to NM to interview for a Senior pastorate and that door closed (I’m thankful and yet frustrated about that one).
As I continued to press on that night I remembered that God sent His Son into the world at “just the right time” Scripture says. Somehow as that came to mind it was a gentle reminder that God’s timing is the best timing and His provision is worth waiting for. Through all this I was thinking that all of it means God has something better for me. It’s not easy to press on doing the same old thing you’ve been doing for years knowing it’s not the thing you’re called to do. Then again… you realize that if God is sovereign it MUST be the thing you’re called to be doing RIGHT NOW. It’s hard to wait for His plan to unfold. We’re always in a season of waiting, aren’t we? Seemingly never content… always looking for what’s next, what’s better, the blessing around the corner. Lord, how can I enjoy what you’ve given me today? Grant me the perseverance, energy, and strength I need to trust in You for the big picture and lay today’s details at your feet.
I recently returned from Skaneateles, NY from 6 days with Hannah and her family. It couldn’t have gone better. I tell people it went like a fairytale, a storybook, or a movie. We got to talk about the relationship, discuss things we were noticing about how we interacted with each other in full honesty, talk more about physical boundaries as it became appropriate, and so much else. I did some target practice and got a refresher about how to use a gun with her dad. I got to talk with her brother a bit about teaching the Bible and hopefully give him some helpful thoughts as he has to teach for a college age ministry soon. I went for a walk with her dad in the woods surrounding their 38 acres of land. Hannah and I helped pick blueberries together. I helped the family stack wood as her dad use a wood splitter to cut the logs smaller. I got to see baby pictures of Hannah, her brother, and sister. I watched some home video and saw her in her gymnastics days. I went to church with her and met her pastor and some of the young girls who she’s told about us. She really has a heart for discipling those girls. I got to go with her family to the church where she grew up and meet her accountability partner there. I came with her to work 2 days and met her co-workers while during the day staying at a coffee shop nearby with my laptop. I got to visit with the Produce managers at Wal Mart and Wegman’s near her work as I considered work opportunities if I move up there. I got to have lunch with her on those days in a grassy area at her community college. She showed me around some of the major towns and places where she worked. We got to go running together twice (that was really special). I remember before the first time we had coffee to talk about the possibility of a relationship that before we even sat down she asked if I ever went running and I told her no because my feet are bad… yet, there we were… running together right near her house… 7 states away from my house. I got to see her in the morning when she was a sleepy zombie, during the day when she was all fixed up for work, and at night when she was in comfy clothes. I got to have breakfast with her family nearly if not every morning I was there… sharing coffee with her dad before anyone else woke up. I got to meet her aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandma. We went to her grandma’s house and she showed me around and shared memories from growing up. Her dad grew up in that house. I got to play with her big golden retriever named Pippin… whose favorite activities were jumping on people and gnawing on their arms (it was actually pretty fun to play with him). We watched part of a chick flick on the last day I was there… not too shabby. She cooked me breakfast once!! I was SO blessed by that. I got to have dinner with her family and grandma once. Her grandma’s house is on the lake and on Saturday afternoon we went there for a swim. I can’t swim so I was loaded up with a life jacket and a big floating donut as she pulled me along to the raft. I was a little embarrassed about that… need to learn to swim. I even got to ride in the boat to watch her dad do some water skiing and her do some wake boarding. Also… her grandma made some amazing blueberry cake!!! We also got to sit together on a park bench in the shade watching the boats drive by.
Through all that though… there were 3 moments we shared that were so special to me;
1.As we were at the park she told me of the time she was a bridesmaid at a wedding there. Then we walked up to the end of a wedding ceremony and watched it just as he kissed the bride. As we walked though we found ourselves walking along the railing of a pier. She said it was the same place where a picture was taken of her. That picture showed her in an adorable dress as she was looking toward the water leaning on the railing. It was the same picture she had up on facebook as her profile pic during most the time we were at Moody that last semester. I would look at that picture often wondering what she was thinking. Was she wondering when God would bring her a man to share life with? It was taken while she was at a wedding after all. Then I thought, “Man, the guy who gets that girl will be SO blessed.” I wished I could have walked into the picture to be the man she was waiting for… but thought, “she’s SO out of my league.” I looked at that picture a lot wondering if anything would happen between us. It was the picture I was hoping to see come up on facebook chat. If it didn’t come up, I went back to my homework. I shared this with her as we walked and I said we needed to take a picture or two of us both by that railing… so we did. :)
2.We’ve talked about what it would be like to cook together. She asked once if I’d ever had a Raspberry pie. Here in the South where Raspberries cost nearly $5 for a 6 oz. pkg I’d never heard of a Raspberry pie. We decided to make one together. We also made a Blueberry pie from fresh blueberries picked from her backyard. I can’t tell you how much fun it was to make the dough from scratch (though we messed it up a bit… wonder why we were so distracted??!?! Hmm…). I got to smear a little flower on her cheek… it was so much fun.
3.But maybe the best part of the trip was Sunday afternoon when we had the boat all to ourselves. We took it across the lake. She showed me how to drive it and I drove prolly half the time. It would have been a beautiful picture to take if my phone was working… her hair blowing in the wind as she drove the boat or as one of us drove while the other stood with arm around the driver. We docked near a little area with shops to have dinner at Doug’s Fish Fry where she used to work. Taking the boat back we stopped in the middle of the lake and turned the engine off to have a time of prayer. It JUST SO HAPPENED that as we stopped and sat up front that the sun was beginning to set. I put my arm around her as we shared prayer requests and went before the Lord in prayer. I couldn’t have planned a better last night together myself. Praise God for orchestrating that.
I continue to look toward the future and prayerfully trust the God who has done so much already. I’ve put up my resume on a few websites looking for ministry positions. I’ve put up an ad on craigslist for general work in Hannah’s area. Lord willing, I plan to move toward living up in NY to share life with Hannah for a while and see what God may have next for us. Haven’t had much legitimate response to the ad yet, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m in communication with a church in Crawfordsville, IN about an opening for Senior Pastor. It’s the first church I’ve really exchanged emails with since the one in NM.
“Lord, I trust You. Take as long as You need to… because I know You will anyway, haha. Help me to continue worshipping you, being faithful, sharing Your gospel, serving at church, and growing with Hannah until Your plans unfold. Help me to bring balance and discipline to my life in these areas that I may honor You to my fullest capacity, for that is what I wish to do above all else. Direct me, lead me, that I may know it must be from You and not from me. In all these things and the thigns I’m yet to face… not my will, not Hannah’s will… but Your will be done. In the name of Your Son, Amen.”
At work recently as I was putting out strawberries I noticed the employees in the meat market behind me laughing and enjoying themselves. You see in the meat market at night there’s not much work to do. In fact as best I could see from the few experiences working there, it was at least 75% less work and stress than Produce. It’s easier on the body… that’s why I was trying to transfer into that department. I watched the guy who seems to have filled the spot I was going for. “That could have been me” I thought. It was frustrating. But it wasn’t just this time that weighed on my mind. I’ve had so many other closed doors lately… I’ve tried to train in Starbucks at work to do something new and maybe pull me away from Produce, but they weren’t able to pay training hours for someone who was already an employee. I’ve worked a couple nights in Bakery I applied for a Call Center position with a Christian video producing company where my best friend works… paid over $9 in tolls for the interview… and still didn’t get the job. I was flown all the way to NM to interview for a Senior pastorate and that door closed (I’m thankful and yet frustrated about that one).
As I continued to press on that night I remembered that God sent His Son into the world at “just the right time” Scripture says. Somehow as that came to mind it was a gentle reminder that God’s timing is the best timing and His provision is worth waiting for. Through all this I was thinking that all of it means God has something better for me. It’s not easy to press on doing the same old thing you’ve been doing for years knowing it’s not the thing you’re called to do. Then again… you realize that if God is sovereign it MUST be the thing you’re called to be doing RIGHT NOW. It’s hard to wait for His plan to unfold. We’re always in a season of waiting, aren’t we? Seemingly never content… always looking for what’s next, what’s better, the blessing around the corner. Lord, how can I enjoy what you’ve given me today? Grant me the perseverance, energy, and strength I need to trust in You for the big picture and lay today’s details at your feet.
I recently returned from Skaneateles, NY from 6 days with Hannah and her family. It couldn’t have gone better. I tell people it went like a fairytale, a storybook, or a movie. We got to talk about the relationship, discuss things we were noticing about how we interacted with each other in full honesty, talk more about physical boundaries as it became appropriate, and so much else. I did some target practice and got a refresher about how to use a gun with her dad. I got to talk with her brother a bit about teaching the Bible and hopefully give him some helpful thoughts as he has to teach for a college age ministry soon. I went for a walk with her dad in the woods surrounding their 38 acres of land. Hannah and I helped pick blueberries together. I helped the family stack wood as her dad use a wood splitter to cut the logs smaller. I got to see baby pictures of Hannah, her brother, and sister. I watched some home video and saw her in her gymnastics days. I went to church with her and met her pastor and some of the young girls who she’s told about us. She really has a heart for discipling those girls. I got to go with her family to the church where she grew up and meet her accountability partner there. I came with her to work 2 days and met her co-workers while during the day staying at a coffee shop nearby with my laptop. I got to visit with the Produce managers at Wal Mart and Wegman’s near her work as I considered work opportunities if I move up there. I got to have lunch with her on those days in a grassy area at her community college. She showed me around some of the major towns and places where she worked. We got to go running together twice (that was really special). I remember before the first time we had coffee to talk about the possibility of a relationship that before we even sat down she asked if I ever went running and I told her no because my feet are bad… yet, there we were… running together right near her house… 7 states away from my house. I got to see her in the morning when she was a sleepy zombie, during the day when she was all fixed up for work, and at night when she was in comfy clothes. I got to have breakfast with her family nearly if not every morning I was there… sharing coffee with her dad before anyone else woke up. I got to meet her aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandma. We went to her grandma’s house and she showed me around and shared memories from growing up. Her dad grew up in that house. I got to play with her big golden retriever named Pippin… whose favorite activities were jumping on people and gnawing on their arms (it was actually pretty fun to play with him). We watched part of a chick flick on the last day I was there… not too shabby. She cooked me breakfast once!! I was SO blessed by that. I got to have dinner with her family and grandma once. Her grandma’s house is on the lake and on Saturday afternoon we went there for a swim. I can’t swim so I was loaded up with a life jacket and a big floating donut as she pulled me along to the raft. I was a little embarrassed about that… need to learn to swim. I even got to ride in the boat to watch her dad do some water skiing and her do some wake boarding. Also… her grandma made some amazing blueberry cake!!! We also got to sit together on a park bench in the shade watching the boats drive by.
Through all that though… there were 3 moments we shared that were so special to me;
1.As we were at the park she told me of the time she was a bridesmaid at a wedding there. Then we walked up to the end of a wedding ceremony and watched it just as he kissed the bride. As we walked though we found ourselves walking along the railing of a pier. She said it was the same place where a picture was taken of her. That picture showed her in an adorable dress as she was looking toward the water leaning on the railing. It was the same picture she had up on facebook as her profile pic during most the time we were at Moody that last semester. I would look at that picture often wondering what she was thinking. Was she wondering when God would bring her a man to share life with? It was taken while she was at a wedding after all. Then I thought, “Man, the guy who gets that girl will be SO blessed.” I wished I could have walked into the picture to be the man she was waiting for… but thought, “she’s SO out of my league.” I looked at that picture a lot wondering if anything would happen between us. It was the picture I was hoping to see come up on facebook chat. If it didn’t come up, I went back to my homework. I shared this with her as we walked and I said we needed to take a picture or two of us both by that railing… so we did. :)
2.We’ve talked about what it would be like to cook together. She asked once if I’d ever had a Raspberry pie. Here in the South where Raspberries cost nearly $5 for a 6 oz. pkg I’d never heard of a Raspberry pie. We decided to make one together. We also made a Blueberry pie from fresh blueberries picked from her backyard. I can’t tell you how much fun it was to make the dough from scratch (though we messed it up a bit… wonder why we were so distracted??!?! Hmm…). I got to smear a little flower on her cheek… it was so much fun.
3.But maybe the best part of the trip was Sunday afternoon when we had the boat all to ourselves. We took it across the lake. She showed me how to drive it and I drove prolly half the time. It would have been a beautiful picture to take if my phone was working… her hair blowing in the wind as she drove the boat or as one of us drove while the other stood with arm around the driver. We docked near a little area with shops to have dinner at Doug’s Fish Fry where she used to work. Taking the boat back we stopped in the middle of the lake and turned the engine off to have a time of prayer. It JUST SO HAPPENED that as we stopped and sat up front that the sun was beginning to set. I put my arm around her as we shared prayer requests and went before the Lord in prayer. I couldn’t have planned a better last night together myself. Praise God for orchestrating that.
I continue to look toward the future and prayerfully trust the God who has done so much already. I’ve put up my resume on a few websites looking for ministry positions. I’ve put up an ad on craigslist for general work in Hannah’s area. Lord willing, I plan to move toward living up in NY to share life with Hannah for a while and see what God may have next for us. Haven’t had much legitimate response to the ad yet, but there’s only so much I can do. I’m in communication with a church in Crawfordsville, IN about an opening for Senior Pastor. It’s the first church I’ve really exchanged emails with since the one in NM.
“Lord, I trust You. Take as long as You need to… because I know You will anyway, haha. Help me to continue worshipping you, being faithful, sharing Your gospel, serving at church, and growing with Hannah until Your plans unfold. Help me to bring balance and discipline to my life in these areas that I may honor You to my fullest capacity, for that is what I wish to do above all else. Direct me, lead me, that I may know it must be from You and not from me. In all these things and the thigns I’m yet to face… not my will, not Hannah’s will… but Your will be done. In the name of Your Son, Amen.”
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Musings Reflecting the Sovereignty of God
My Calvinism is apparent more and more these days. But maybe Calvinism is the wrong word... maybe the characteristic of God called "sovereignty" is better, yes... sovereignty.
While I don't have the time today to write about all that's happened in my life recently, I can't help but see the sovereignty of God so clearly in all of that. The Lord has brought me a wonderful woman in a way that defies logic, conservative Christian expectations, the dating culture, and my own imagination. It was her and I's final semester at Moody Bible Institute. She'd been away for a semester or two studying in Israel. We met at the Senior Retreat the beginning of that semester (during the time she was praying about another guy). Neither of us expected to develop real friendships with that Senior class. We were the 2010 class, not the 2011 class. We talked a bit over that weekend, went for a walk to the bonfire for S'mores with the rest of the group, and had cappuccino in the retreat cafeteria one night. It was dinner time and we talked to the point that everyone else had left the large cafeteria and it was quiet... except for us two talking. Covered a wide range of subjects in that conversation. I told her how much it bugged me that in our American dating culture when you have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex for 30 minutes or more... people throw up red flags and think you like them. Though as I said this... I admit that I felt like quite the hypocrite. For some reason I couldn't explain, I found myself thinking about her often after we returned to campus. When she told me God closed the door on the other guy, I began thinking about pursuing her. We talked on facebook a bit, exchanged numbers (with the help of my meddling roommate... to whom I am now thankful!), and began sitting together at Missions Conference a couple times. We went out for coffee a couple times to talk about the possibility of being more than friends. The whole time I'm shocked that all this happening (why is she responding to what I'm doing?! Girls don't do this!! They usually decide beforehand, don't they?! They don't give us an objective chance!!) We had coffee the first time and she told me no. I suggested a negotiation that brought us to coffee again. I didn't want her to slip away that easily! She said she'd think about it and a couple days later returned with another "no." Shortly after this we began studying together as friends a few days a week. She sat with my roommate and I in chapel and we hung out or talked nearly every day until the end of the semester. My head was spinning with "why," but was I going to refuse her company? Of course not! We talked about personality types. I helped her look through the doctrinal statement of a church she was thinking joining back home in NY. We talked about a cover letter she was writing to apply for a job back home after she graduated. There was even a day when I was sick and she knew I was sick and then she asked... "So you wouldn't want to go ice skating tonight then with my roommate and another guy from our brother floor?" Was I going to say no? I'd been ice skating once in my life, but did that matter? I did alright though... and her, her roommate, and I had coffee afterward. It was a memorable night.
My roommate and I walked her to the train at the end of the semester as we both finished our time at Moody, though there was no graduation ceremony for December graduates. It was a hard goodbye for me that night. Spent some time with the Lord in the Culby 2 prayer chapel. What was going on I wondered? Am I obsessed as some would probably label me? After all God had shown me in the past year or so at school... after how He helped me to finally purge the idolatry of romance... why was this so hard? After we each got home we soon continued talking again through text, email, or skype every day. Up until this point we had just grown to be good friends, but I was still thinking about her a lot. I then told her one day that I would need some space because it was getting hard for me. We didn't speak for 2 weeks and she was house sitting for her pastor during that time. She went back to God in prayer about me during that silence. When God helped me to accept the fact that it may not ever be more than friends, I reopened communication. Somewhere around this time she again said she didn't see us being together and essentially gave me another "no." From this point on she began really thinking about me a lot more. We continued talking regularly, skyping for 2-3 hours at a time, sometimes studying and discussing Scripture together.
It came to a point where I couldn't maintain so much communication if we were just friends. I still liked her a lot (and she was beginning to like me), but we were talking so much that we were saying good morning and goodnight and I just couldn't invest emotionally that much in 3 "no's.". She asked for a couple days to pray about the possibility of us again. She came back with another no (that made 4 no's) and asked for some space herself. We didn't talk for a week. We then exchanged some pretty honest emails and a phone call about how we felt, all that was going through our minds, and how things had been going. I encouraged and challenged her about a few things we'd talked about that she was wrestling with. She began wondering again if she was wrong about God showing her it was a No. This whole time her focus was on the will of God. What was God showing her and how was He leading her? She wrestled with things, but ultimately wanted God's will first. We both were praying for each other constantly through all of this and spoke freely about everything, yet she just wasn't sure if she was ready to agree to a relationship. I told her to take her time, not to be rushed into a decision or to feel she had to decide by May of this year when we would both return to Chicago for the formal graduation ceremony when we would see each other again and I'd meet her family.
It all culminated in one night shortly after that. We skyped for a couple hours and talked about Mr. Naaman the Leper. You see her pastor preached in this story in 2 Kings 5:1-14 recently. Naaman was asked to dip in the Jordan 7 times to cure his leprosy, but to him this was crazy and illogical. It also wasn't the way Naaman EXPECTED to be healed. God often works outside of our desires, preferences, and expectations doesn't He? And He also asks us to take steps of faith that seem illogical to the human mind doesn't He? She was wondering if God was asking the same of her when it came to being with me. We got offline, and at about 12:30 her time that night she called me to tell me she's done fighting God. She said He had been showing her all kinds of things that she hadn't told me about that pointed her to me and she couldn't ignore them any longer. She then told me yes and agreed to take the step into a relationship. I spoke to her father and he gave his blessing on the relationship, though it would be LONG distance. I continue to chat with her family and look forward to graduation a few weeks away from now.
Oh and did I mention that a church in Albuquerque, NM is flying me out next week to interview to be their Senior Pastor? They've narrowed their one year search down to myself and one other guy. We'll see what God does. I want His will more than anything else. God is good and I'm glad He's working all this because I've proven that if it's of me it will mess up every... single... time.
While I don't have the time today to write about all that's happened in my life recently, I can't help but see the sovereignty of God so clearly in all of that. The Lord has brought me a wonderful woman in a way that defies logic, conservative Christian expectations, the dating culture, and my own imagination. It was her and I's final semester at Moody Bible Institute. She'd been away for a semester or two studying in Israel. We met at the Senior Retreat the beginning of that semester (during the time she was praying about another guy). Neither of us expected to develop real friendships with that Senior class. We were the 2010 class, not the 2011 class. We talked a bit over that weekend, went for a walk to the bonfire for S'mores with the rest of the group, and had cappuccino in the retreat cafeteria one night. It was dinner time and we talked to the point that everyone else had left the large cafeteria and it was quiet... except for us two talking. Covered a wide range of subjects in that conversation. I told her how much it bugged me that in our American dating culture when you have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex for 30 minutes or more... people throw up red flags and think you like them. Though as I said this... I admit that I felt like quite the hypocrite. For some reason I couldn't explain, I found myself thinking about her often after we returned to campus. When she told me God closed the door on the other guy, I began thinking about pursuing her. We talked on facebook a bit, exchanged numbers (with the help of my meddling roommate... to whom I am now thankful!), and began sitting together at Missions Conference a couple times. We went out for coffee a couple times to talk about the possibility of being more than friends. The whole time I'm shocked that all this happening (why is she responding to what I'm doing?! Girls don't do this!! They usually decide beforehand, don't they?! They don't give us an objective chance!!) We had coffee the first time and she told me no. I suggested a negotiation that brought us to coffee again. I didn't want her to slip away that easily! She said she'd think about it and a couple days later returned with another "no." Shortly after this we began studying together as friends a few days a week. She sat with my roommate and I in chapel and we hung out or talked nearly every day until the end of the semester. My head was spinning with "why," but was I going to refuse her company? Of course not! We talked about personality types. I helped her look through the doctrinal statement of a church she was thinking joining back home in NY. We talked about a cover letter she was writing to apply for a job back home after she graduated. There was even a day when I was sick and she knew I was sick and then she asked... "So you wouldn't want to go ice skating tonight then with my roommate and another guy from our brother floor?" Was I going to say no? I'd been ice skating once in my life, but did that matter? I did alright though... and her, her roommate, and I had coffee afterward. It was a memorable night.
My roommate and I walked her to the train at the end of the semester as we both finished our time at Moody, though there was no graduation ceremony for December graduates. It was a hard goodbye for me that night. Spent some time with the Lord in the Culby 2 prayer chapel. What was going on I wondered? Am I obsessed as some would probably label me? After all God had shown me in the past year or so at school... after how He helped me to finally purge the idolatry of romance... why was this so hard? After we each got home we soon continued talking again through text, email, or skype every day. Up until this point we had just grown to be good friends, but I was still thinking about her a lot. I then told her one day that I would need some space because it was getting hard for me. We didn't speak for 2 weeks and she was house sitting for her pastor during that time. She went back to God in prayer about me during that silence. When God helped me to accept the fact that it may not ever be more than friends, I reopened communication. Somewhere around this time she again said she didn't see us being together and essentially gave me another "no." From this point on she began really thinking about me a lot more. We continued talking regularly, skyping for 2-3 hours at a time, sometimes studying and discussing Scripture together.
It came to a point where I couldn't maintain so much communication if we were just friends. I still liked her a lot (and she was beginning to like me), but we were talking so much that we were saying good morning and goodnight and I just couldn't invest emotionally that much in 3 "no's.". She asked for a couple days to pray about the possibility of us again. She came back with another no (that made 4 no's) and asked for some space herself. We didn't talk for a week. We then exchanged some pretty honest emails and a phone call about how we felt, all that was going through our minds, and how things had been going. I encouraged and challenged her about a few things we'd talked about that she was wrestling with. She began wondering again if she was wrong about God showing her it was a No. This whole time her focus was on the will of God. What was God showing her and how was He leading her? She wrestled with things, but ultimately wanted God's will first. We both were praying for each other constantly through all of this and spoke freely about everything, yet she just wasn't sure if she was ready to agree to a relationship. I told her to take her time, not to be rushed into a decision or to feel she had to decide by May of this year when we would both return to Chicago for the formal graduation ceremony when we would see each other again and I'd meet her family.
It all culminated in one night shortly after that. We skyped for a couple hours and talked about Mr. Naaman the Leper. You see her pastor preached in this story in 2 Kings 5:1-14 recently. Naaman was asked to dip in the Jordan 7 times to cure his leprosy, but to him this was crazy and illogical. It also wasn't the way Naaman EXPECTED to be healed. God often works outside of our desires, preferences, and expectations doesn't He? And He also asks us to take steps of faith that seem illogical to the human mind doesn't He? She was wondering if God was asking the same of her when it came to being with me. We got offline, and at about 12:30 her time that night she called me to tell me she's done fighting God. She said He had been showing her all kinds of things that she hadn't told me about that pointed her to me and she couldn't ignore them any longer. She then told me yes and agreed to take the step into a relationship. I spoke to her father and he gave his blessing on the relationship, though it would be LONG distance. I continue to chat with her family and look forward to graduation a few weeks away from now.
Oh and did I mention that a church in Albuquerque, NM is flying me out next week to interview to be their Senior Pastor? They've narrowed their one year search down to myself and one other guy. We'll see what God does. I want His will more than anything else. God is good and I'm glad He's working all this because I've proven that if it's of me it will mess up every... single... time.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A Glimpse Into a Shepherd's Heart
I'm here after midnight studying in Psalm 6. Verse 7 says, "My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes." As I'm consulting the notes/commentary of Albert Barnes I'm reading along through each verse until I came to this one and on it he says the following...
"Even while I am writing this I am called in my pastoral visitations to attend on a young lady lying on a bed of languishing, and probably of death, one of whose symptoms is a quite diminished, and indeed almost total loss of vision, as the effect of trouble and disease."
As I read this I found myself in the shoes of Albert Barnes. I was sitting in my study writing a commentary about Psalm 6 (as I'm also doing now) and my study of Scripture brings to mind the people to whom I minister and who are in need of encouragement. I could picture myself walking into the hospital to see that young lady... who was soon to die without having lived a full life. What would I say to her? What COULD I say to her? Would opening my mouth do more harm than good?
Barnes wrote this tiny note into his commentary without fear of seeming unprofessional or not scholarly. He included it because the Lord laid it on his heart and it wasn't edited out later. It is truly a pastor's heart to be studying the Word and immediately to relate it to those in need. It's SO the heart of a shepherd to think of his people during his study. Yes he has to think of them to prepare a sermon, but by his very calling he simply can't help it... at any stage of preparation. He's always thinking of how the Word will come to bear on those who need It. We tend to read commentaries forgetting there are real people behind them who are in the middle of real ministry as they write them. It makes me wonder what else were pastors going through as they penned the words of a commentary. How did God use what they were studying at that time in their own personal ministries? I don't know much about Albert Barnes. I just use his notes because E-Sword provides them to me for free. But I do know that he has taught me something tonight about the heart of a shepherd.
"Even while I am writing this I am called in my pastoral visitations to attend on a young lady lying on a bed of languishing, and probably of death, one of whose symptoms is a quite diminished, and indeed almost total loss of vision, as the effect of trouble and disease."
As I read this I found myself in the shoes of Albert Barnes. I was sitting in my study writing a commentary about Psalm 6 (as I'm also doing now) and my study of Scripture brings to mind the people to whom I minister and who are in need of encouragement. I could picture myself walking into the hospital to see that young lady... who was soon to die without having lived a full life. What would I say to her? What COULD I say to her? Would opening my mouth do more harm than good?
Barnes wrote this tiny note into his commentary without fear of seeming unprofessional or not scholarly. He included it because the Lord laid it on his heart and it wasn't edited out later. It is truly a pastor's heart to be studying the Word and immediately to relate it to those in need. It's SO the heart of a shepherd to think of his people during his study. Yes he has to think of them to prepare a sermon, but by his very calling he simply can't help it... at any stage of preparation. He's always thinking of how the Word will come to bear on those who need It. We tend to read commentaries forgetting there are real people behind them who are in the middle of real ministry as they write them. It makes me wonder what else were pastors going through as they penned the words of a commentary. How did God use what they were studying at that time in their own personal ministries? I don't know much about Albert Barnes. I just use his notes because E-Sword provides them to me for free. But I do know that he has taught me something tonight about the heart of a shepherd.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Lately
“I’ve been wonderin bout the road ahead of me, wonderin bout the things you said to me, wonderin if these dreams will ever do… and I’m wonderin bout the way I spend my days, wonderin if it’s even worth the chase, wonderin if they’re stealin me from you…”
-Wonderin’ By Toby Mac
I have a handful of hours before work tonight. I was able to get a few extra hours this week. I'm somewhat thankful for that. I've really enjoyed working part time since I've been home from school. My dad is gracious enough not to charge me rent, though I think he's just a pushover. Partly for that reason, partly for my testimony in the home, and partly because of my work ethic I've decided to enlist my sister to help me clean the house once a month. For some time my dad has been the only one cleaning anything. His "girlfriend" is pretty much bed-ridden due to some kind of disability. Part of me wonders how much of it is real, though she seems to keep getting doctor's appointments and the doctors say she's got some validity. I just remember when she first got here and was helping out with household chores pretty well when now she just lays in bed, smokes 2 packs of a cigarettes a day, and has occasionally sold pain killers to her friend and (I think) some neighborhood kids. I suspected it for a bit and when I found out it was true I asked her to get off the phone for a minute so we could talk. Told her if I found out about it again that I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. I won't live in a house with a drug dealer. I don't play around with that stuff. She was almost talking over me to say she wouldn't do it anymore. We'll see. So we had our first cleaning earlier this month because of the shorter February. We'll do it again soon. We vacuumed the house, mopped the kitchen floors, cleaned the microwave, did the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms, and dusted the house. The bigger jobs will be to clean the giant black stains out of the carpet, clean the major bedroom, and clean the garage. I'm gonna try to tackle the carpet stains a couple at a time.
As I've started cleaning and thinking more about my car maintenance, I've been transitioning into taking life a little slower. Before when I just came home from school for breaks I barely had time for slowing down. I just worked as much as I possibly could, I ate everything microwaved unless dinner was cooked for me, didn't work out at all, did almost no ministry, did little more than dishes and trash around the house, and didn't pay much attention to my car unless it was summer. Now I help my dad with car insurance and pay for my own monthly cell phone plan. I've so enjoyed taking on these household and financial responsibilities because it feels more like I'm living on my own. I still don't spend much time with my dad really though. We've almost always had kind of a working relationship. I don't think he ever really knew how to express love to us. He didn't understand how to express kindness or encouragement. He's just provided financially and for us to live. We kinda have our own lives in the house, except for my sister and I of course. We stay pretty close. As I begin to slow down more and am working less though I find myself really appreciating just enjoying life. It also further confirms that I could never work in the retail grocery business as my career. I don't freak out and scramble anymore when they tell me some big manager might be coming by. I just do my job and stay aware of what they would look for. There's no need for the unnecessary stress. Those managers are trained to find problems to be fixed when they walk in. We'll never be perfect in their eyes so why kill myself trying to be?
I've also been working out pretty regularly. I shoot for 4 days a week, but it's often more. I never thought I'd enjoy running as much as I do. I have an app. on my phone that tracks my distance, time, and speed. I bought a new mp3 player with tax return money and an arm band that fits it perfectly. I've also enjoyed serving at church. The pastor has asked me to teach a men's discipleship group. We've been learning how to study the Bible. I've really had a burden to bring the Bible college education to the lay people. I don't want to dumb it down too much like so many churches do. I believe if you raise the bar for learning, that many will rise to the expectations. This is especially true for the real dedicated ones and the ones who don't know they're dedicated yet. I think God brings those diamonds out of the rough at just the right time. Those are the ones who have great leadership potential. I want to cultivate and develop those people so the church can grow in Christ-likeness and God can be glorified by their service. If I'm gonna put the cookies on the bottom shelf... I want them to be REALLY GOOD cookies. So we're nearing the end of the group. We only have a few more weeks left. We've looked at observation principles and spent significant time thinking through Psalm 1. We’re now looking at Interpretation principles. I’m gonna expose them to commentaries and other secondary resources then teach them how to do a Word study. After that we’ll look at principles for application. It’s been so cool to spend more time with the guys, though I really should stay after more to talk instead of rushing home. Need to try harder to remember names. Need to initiate conversation more. Need to greet different people on Sunday mornings. Need to meet more people for coffee. Lord, help me to do these things because when I’m a pastor I won’t have as many options. I won’t have the luxury of ducking out or taking my own time whenever I want. I’ll need to be more of a shepherd. I get to preach soon too. It’s currently scheduled for March 13th, but it may be pushed to the following Sunday. I’ve chosen to preach on Psalm 6. God hears our honest prayers and receives them in our times of pain. May God use it in our church to His glory and their encouragement.
I continue to think often about when God will bring the woman He has for me. I continue praying for my sisters each week and reading Proverbs 31 to God as a prayer that He will, in His grace, bring a woman like that to me. Through all that happened in my last semester at Moody and even afterward I can say what I’d like to happen, but I can’t presume to say what will happen. It’s been an interesting time for me. Exciting and frustrating at the same time. Full of suspense and yet confusion. Maybe that’s a good place to be. Maybe God gets the most glory when we don’t know when or where He’ll move next. I’m thankful though my desire for marriage and family is strong and my loneliness nags at me sometimes that God has continued to sustain me as He did during that last semester with my mom. He’s granted a real joy and endurance to continue working out, studying Scripture, and living life. I’m more content than I’ve ever been and yet my desire is as strong as it’s ever been. I keep looking up and asking, “Lord, what are you doing in my life? And Lord… why is it taking so long!!?!?” It’s not easy to make sure your head and your heart are on speaking terms. I’ve realized more than ever though that I can’t let this dominate my thinking. I can’t presume to know what God is working and what He isn’t. If nothing else that’s been the clearest to me lately. The time will come when He wants it to and how He wants it to and with who He wants it to. I just need to keep my eyes open as I live the life He’s given me to live TODAY and not tomorrow. I can no longer burden myself with what could be when it isn’t. I can no longer invest myself in What if. It’s just not worth the heartache if there’s nothing more I can do.
“Lord, protect my heart. Help me to trust you more than ever before. Help me to continue spending time with You because regardless of who comes into my life, regardless of even after marriage… You will always be my constant source of strength. You will always be my refuge. When my future wife displays her humanity in all its imperfect glory… You will remain perfect and be the One to grant me the strength to love her still. When my future ministry bears upon me and it doesn’t feel like I’m doing what You’ve called me to and the joy is almost gone… You’ll be there to carry me. When I’m living the life I’ve wanted for so long and it all feels like it’s gonna fall over on me… You’ll remind me that the grass is never greener on the side, No, You’ll remind me that YOU are and always have been my only Hope. Lord draw me near to You in this season of life and help me to do all You have for me to do right now… and do it faithfully.”
-Wonderin’ By Toby Mac
I have a handful of hours before work tonight. I was able to get a few extra hours this week. I'm somewhat thankful for that. I've really enjoyed working part time since I've been home from school. My dad is gracious enough not to charge me rent, though I think he's just a pushover. Partly for that reason, partly for my testimony in the home, and partly because of my work ethic I've decided to enlist my sister to help me clean the house once a month. For some time my dad has been the only one cleaning anything. His "girlfriend" is pretty much bed-ridden due to some kind of disability. Part of me wonders how much of it is real, though she seems to keep getting doctor's appointments and the doctors say she's got some validity. I just remember when she first got here and was helping out with household chores pretty well when now she just lays in bed, smokes 2 packs of a cigarettes a day, and has occasionally sold pain killers to her friend and (I think) some neighborhood kids. I suspected it for a bit and when I found out it was true I asked her to get off the phone for a minute so we could talk. Told her if I found out about it again that I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. I won't live in a house with a drug dealer. I don't play around with that stuff. She was almost talking over me to say she wouldn't do it anymore. We'll see. So we had our first cleaning earlier this month because of the shorter February. We'll do it again soon. We vacuumed the house, mopped the kitchen floors, cleaned the microwave, did the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms, and dusted the house. The bigger jobs will be to clean the giant black stains out of the carpet, clean the major bedroom, and clean the garage. I'm gonna try to tackle the carpet stains a couple at a time.
As I've started cleaning and thinking more about my car maintenance, I've been transitioning into taking life a little slower. Before when I just came home from school for breaks I barely had time for slowing down. I just worked as much as I possibly could, I ate everything microwaved unless dinner was cooked for me, didn't work out at all, did almost no ministry, did little more than dishes and trash around the house, and didn't pay much attention to my car unless it was summer. Now I help my dad with car insurance and pay for my own monthly cell phone plan. I've so enjoyed taking on these household and financial responsibilities because it feels more like I'm living on my own. I still don't spend much time with my dad really though. We've almost always had kind of a working relationship. I don't think he ever really knew how to express love to us. He didn't understand how to express kindness or encouragement. He's just provided financially and for us to live. We kinda have our own lives in the house, except for my sister and I of course. We stay pretty close. As I begin to slow down more and am working less though I find myself really appreciating just enjoying life. It also further confirms that I could never work in the retail grocery business as my career. I don't freak out and scramble anymore when they tell me some big manager might be coming by. I just do my job and stay aware of what they would look for. There's no need for the unnecessary stress. Those managers are trained to find problems to be fixed when they walk in. We'll never be perfect in their eyes so why kill myself trying to be?
I've also been working out pretty regularly. I shoot for 4 days a week, but it's often more. I never thought I'd enjoy running as much as I do. I have an app. on my phone that tracks my distance, time, and speed. I bought a new mp3 player with tax return money and an arm band that fits it perfectly. I've also enjoyed serving at church. The pastor has asked me to teach a men's discipleship group. We've been learning how to study the Bible. I've really had a burden to bring the Bible college education to the lay people. I don't want to dumb it down too much like so many churches do. I believe if you raise the bar for learning, that many will rise to the expectations. This is especially true for the real dedicated ones and the ones who don't know they're dedicated yet. I think God brings those diamonds out of the rough at just the right time. Those are the ones who have great leadership potential. I want to cultivate and develop those people so the church can grow in Christ-likeness and God can be glorified by their service. If I'm gonna put the cookies on the bottom shelf... I want them to be REALLY GOOD cookies. So we're nearing the end of the group. We only have a few more weeks left. We've looked at observation principles and spent significant time thinking through Psalm 1. We’re now looking at Interpretation principles. I’m gonna expose them to commentaries and other secondary resources then teach them how to do a Word study. After that we’ll look at principles for application. It’s been so cool to spend more time with the guys, though I really should stay after more to talk instead of rushing home. Need to try harder to remember names. Need to initiate conversation more. Need to greet different people on Sunday mornings. Need to meet more people for coffee. Lord, help me to do these things because when I’m a pastor I won’t have as many options. I won’t have the luxury of ducking out or taking my own time whenever I want. I’ll need to be more of a shepherd. I get to preach soon too. It’s currently scheduled for March 13th, but it may be pushed to the following Sunday. I’ve chosen to preach on Psalm 6. God hears our honest prayers and receives them in our times of pain. May God use it in our church to His glory and their encouragement.
I continue to think often about when God will bring the woman He has for me. I continue praying for my sisters each week and reading Proverbs 31 to God as a prayer that He will, in His grace, bring a woman like that to me. Through all that happened in my last semester at Moody and even afterward I can say what I’d like to happen, but I can’t presume to say what will happen. It’s been an interesting time for me. Exciting and frustrating at the same time. Full of suspense and yet confusion. Maybe that’s a good place to be. Maybe God gets the most glory when we don’t know when or where He’ll move next. I’m thankful though my desire for marriage and family is strong and my loneliness nags at me sometimes that God has continued to sustain me as He did during that last semester with my mom. He’s granted a real joy and endurance to continue working out, studying Scripture, and living life. I’m more content than I’ve ever been and yet my desire is as strong as it’s ever been. I keep looking up and asking, “Lord, what are you doing in my life? And Lord… why is it taking so long!!?!?” It’s not easy to make sure your head and your heart are on speaking terms. I’ve realized more than ever though that I can’t let this dominate my thinking. I can’t presume to know what God is working and what He isn’t. If nothing else that’s been the clearest to me lately. The time will come when He wants it to and how He wants it to and with who He wants it to. I just need to keep my eyes open as I live the life He’s given me to live TODAY and not tomorrow. I can no longer burden myself with what could be when it isn’t. I can no longer invest myself in What if. It’s just not worth the heartache if there’s nothing more I can do.
“Lord, protect my heart. Help me to trust you more than ever before. Help me to continue spending time with You because regardless of who comes into my life, regardless of even after marriage… You will always be my constant source of strength. You will always be my refuge. When my future wife displays her humanity in all its imperfect glory… You will remain perfect and be the One to grant me the strength to love her still. When my future ministry bears upon me and it doesn’t feel like I’m doing what You’ve called me to and the joy is almost gone… You’ll be there to carry me. When I’m living the life I’ve wanted for so long and it all feels like it’s gonna fall over on me… You’ll remind me that the grass is never greener on the side, No, You’ll remind me that YOU are and always have been my only Hope. Lord draw me near to You in this season of life and help me to do all You have for me to do right now… and do it faithfully.”
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