Lately

“I’ve been wonderin bout the road ahead of me, wonderin bout the things you said to me, wonderin if these dreams will ever do… and I’m wonderin bout the way I spend my days, wonderin if it’s even worth the chase, wonderin if they’re stealin me from you…”
-Wonderin’ By Toby Mac

I have a handful of hours before work tonight. I was able to get a few extra hours this week. I'm somewhat thankful for that. I've really enjoyed working part time since I've been home from school. My dad is gracious enough not to charge me rent, though I think he's just a pushover. Partly for that reason, partly for my testimony in the home, and partly because of my work ethic I've decided to enlist my sister to help me clean the house once a month. For some time my dad has been the only one cleaning anything. His "girlfriend" is pretty much bed-ridden due to some kind of disability. Part of me wonders how much of it is real, though she seems to keep getting doctor's appointments and the doctors say she's got some validity. I just remember when she first got here and was helping out with household chores pretty well when now she just lays in bed, smokes 2 packs of a cigarettes a day, and has occasionally sold pain killers to her friend and (I think) some neighborhood kids. I suspected it for a bit and when I found out it was true I asked her to get off the phone for a minute so we could talk. Told her if I found out about it again that I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. I won't live in a house with a drug dealer. I don't play around with that stuff. She was almost talking over me to say she wouldn't do it anymore. We'll see. So we had our first cleaning earlier this month because of the shorter February. We'll do it again soon. We vacuumed the house, mopped the kitchen floors, cleaned the microwave, did the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms, and dusted the house. The bigger jobs will be to clean the giant black stains out of the carpet, clean the major bedroom, and clean the garage. I'm gonna try to tackle the carpet stains a couple at a time.

As I've started cleaning and thinking more about my car maintenance, I've been transitioning into taking life a little slower. Before when I just came home from school for breaks I barely had time for slowing down. I just worked as much as I possibly could, I ate everything microwaved unless dinner was cooked for me, didn't work out at all, did almost no ministry, did little more than dishes and trash around the house, and didn't pay much attention to my car unless it was summer. Now I help my dad with car insurance and pay for my own monthly cell phone plan. I've so enjoyed taking on these household and financial responsibilities because it feels more like I'm living on my own. I still don't spend much time with my dad really though. We've almost always had kind of a working relationship. I don't think he ever really knew how to express love to us. He didn't understand how to express kindness or encouragement. He's just provided financially and for us to live. We kinda have our own lives in the house, except for my sister and I of course. We stay pretty close. As I begin to slow down more and am working less though I find myself really appreciating just enjoying life. It also further confirms that I could never work in the retail grocery business as my career. I don't freak out and scramble anymore when they tell me some big manager might be coming by. I just do my job and stay aware of what they would look for. There's no need for the unnecessary stress. Those managers are trained to find problems to be fixed when they walk in. We'll never be perfect in their eyes so why kill myself trying to be?

I've also been working out pretty regularly. I shoot for 4 days a week, but it's often more. I never thought I'd enjoy running as much as I do. I have an app. on my phone that tracks my distance, time, and speed. I bought a new mp3 player with tax return money and an arm band that fits it perfectly. I've also enjoyed serving at church. The pastor has asked me to teach a men's discipleship group. We've been learning how to study the Bible. I've really had a burden to bring the Bible college education to the lay people. I don't want to dumb it down too much like so many churches do. I believe if you raise the bar for learning, that many will rise to the expectations. This is especially true for the real dedicated ones and the ones who don't know they're dedicated yet. I think God brings those diamonds out of the rough at just the right time. Those are the ones who have great leadership potential. I want to cultivate and develop those people so the church can grow in Christ-likeness and God can be glorified by their service. If I'm gonna put the cookies on the bottom shelf... I want them to be REALLY GOOD cookies. So we're nearing the end of the group. We only have a few more weeks left. We've looked at observation principles and spent significant time thinking through Psalm 1. We’re now looking at Interpretation principles. I’m gonna expose them to commentaries and other secondary resources then teach them how to do a Word study. After that we’ll look at principles for application. It’s been so cool to spend more time with the guys, though I really should stay after more to talk instead of rushing home. Need to try harder to remember names. Need to initiate conversation more. Need to greet different people on Sunday mornings. Need to meet more people for coffee. Lord, help me to do these things because when I’m a pastor I won’t have as many options. I won’t have the luxury of ducking out or taking my own time whenever I want. I’ll need to be more of a shepherd. I get to preach soon too. It’s currently scheduled for March 13th, but it may be pushed to the following Sunday. I’ve chosen to preach on Psalm 6. God hears our honest prayers and receives them in our times of pain. May God use it in our church to His glory and their encouragement.

I continue to think often about when God will bring the woman He has for me. I continue praying for my sisters each week and reading Proverbs 31 to God as a prayer that He will, in His grace, bring a woman like that to me. Through all that happened in my last semester at Moody and even afterward I can say what I’d like to happen, but I can’t presume to say what will happen. It’s been an interesting time for me. Exciting and frustrating at the same time. Full of suspense and yet confusion. Maybe that’s a good place to be. Maybe God gets the most glory when we don’t know when or where He’ll move next. I’m thankful though my desire for marriage and family is strong and my loneliness nags at me sometimes that God has continued to sustain me as He did during that last semester with my mom. He’s granted a real joy and endurance to continue working out, studying Scripture, and living life. I’m more content than I’ve ever been and yet my desire is as strong as it’s ever been. I keep looking up and asking, “Lord, what are you doing in my life? And Lord… why is it taking so long!!?!?” It’s not easy to make sure your head and your heart are on speaking terms. I’ve realized more than ever though that I can’t let this dominate my thinking. I can’t presume to know what God is working and what He isn’t. If nothing else that’s been the clearest to me lately. The time will come when He wants it to and how He wants it to and with who He wants it to. I just need to keep my eyes open as I live the life He’s given me to live TODAY and not tomorrow. I can no longer burden myself with what could be when it isn’t. I can no longer invest myself in What if. It’s just not worth the heartache if there’s nothing more I can do.

“Lord, protect my heart. Help me to trust you more than ever before. Help me to continue spending time with You because regardless of who comes into my life, regardless of even after marriage… You will always be my constant source of strength. You will always be my refuge. When my future wife displays her humanity in all its imperfect glory… You will remain perfect and be the One to grant me the strength to love her still. When my future ministry bears upon me and it doesn’t feel like I’m doing what You’ve called me to and the joy is almost gone… You’ll be there to carry me. When I’m living the life I’ve wanted for so long and it all feels like it’s gonna fall over on me… You’ll remind me that the grass is never greener on the side, No, You’ll remind me that YOU are and always have been my only Hope. Lord draw me near to You in this season of life and help me to do all You have for me to do right now… and do it faithfully.”