The hardest part is not knowing… some would argue. But not knowing combined with but closed doors is much harder. I’ve had such mixed emotions lately… some of them more human than biblical. I feel like hope has been drained from me. A friend said I have hope in Jesus Christ, but clichés and truths I know perhaps too well aren’t much help to me lately. I have nothing tangible in front of me to cling to. Maybe I’m walking by sight and not by faith. I’ve spent hours searching for the church where God would have me to serve. Yet… I continue to be shut down. Another candidate seems to always be more qualified or a “better fit” or more what they’re looking for. Is it because I'm young, unmarried, and too far away geographically? Probably to some degree. Lord, if only you would have started your ministry in your 20's... THEN I'd have something to point to in Scripture!!! lol A friend is urging me to look more in Texas (there's a fairly large Baptist Church nearby that just lost their pastor to an unexpected death), but… I still don’t want to be in this state. Maybe God’s plan is different than mine. I was really looking forward to New York and more of a country life. A part of me missed it while I was there. It felt like I’d been in a cage for the longest time and was able to experience freedom for a few days. It reminded me of my days living near Azle, TX in 5th grade. Well, maybe that’s not His plan either. Maybe. I got to preach at church this past Sunday and many people seemed to benefit and thanked me afterward. In fact I got an email from a woman at church just today that said in part, "I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed, was taught, and edified by your message on Sunday. You are obviously gifted in the area of teaching. Your timing and enunciation were excellent and I noticed that everyone paid very close attention to you."
God, if I’m doing something right… why am I still not allowed to pursue what you’ve called me to? I just don’t understand. I know who I am in Christ and where God has brought me. A friend who lives nearby has often reminded me of who I used to be. We grew up together. He saw the way I was raised and the way I rebelled against God with my lifestyle. Maybe I’ve forgotten. It’s encouraging in a way… but discouraging also. God, if you’ve made me this man I am… why am I not allowed yet to be that man for the purpose which you’ve made me? The only conclusion I see is that while I feel ready… Maybe God’s not. Maybe He’s still got lessons for me to learn before the time comes. Or maybe He’s still preparing the people and the place for me to serve. Maybe they’re not ready yet. Maybe… my wife is also not ready yet so God hasn’t sent her to me. I’m sick and tired of “maybe.”
I still find myself checking my phone for her text messages when I wake up, when I lay down, throughout the day, at work. But… it’s always followed by the reminder that I won’t be getting a text message, not like before. It’s not easy you know? Since graduation I’ve received 4 or 5 wedding invitations from friends I went to college with... all of them younger than me. I’ve seen wedding photos on facebook, statuses, updates, engagements, honeymoon plans, rings. I still look up with tears. God, I want to do it right but I don’t know how many more times I can go through “a process to see if.” So many people have tried their hand at consolation lately. Their motives are good, but their help is sadly not helpful. To say it will never work out, that it’s over, that it’s done… is just as presumptuous as for me to say it will work out, to hold out hope, to continue pursuing, to presume a future that may never happen. It never ceases to amaze me the number of opinions people have. There are always stories of how God has worked that line up with those opinions and stories that run completely contrary to those opinions. I find myself frustrated at how quickly God is forgotten in all the speculation. It’s not ultimately a matter of what should or shouldn’t be done, but rather… it’s a matter of what God wants done. His opinions win the day. The unknown element in all the stories, all the perspectives, all the philosophies, all the books written, all the preferences and strategies… is God Himself. Yet so few are those who will say the answer isn’t in giving up or holding on. The answer is in trusting God, thanking God for what He’s now doing though we don’t understand it, singing praise to Him Who’s ways are not our ways. The answer is the sovereign One who orders our steps, who steers and directs, who opens and closes doors, who pushes play and stop and even pause, who tells the hands of the clock when to move. HE is the answer. To focus on Him and to be with Him is the hope we’ve had since the beginning and the hope we’ll have despite what our life “plans” look like. The answer is to point ourselves to the Lord and let all else fade away.
Though I hurt He has granted me a unique strength at this time, a faithful reminder that I only really need Him, I’ve only ever needed Him. So I take a deep breath and press on toward what it’s in front of me. I spent much time in prayer recently about what steps I’ll take. The church in IN seems to be a closed door. Soon I will begin looking for secular work here in TX that can allow me move out and begin a life of my own. All I’m getting are closed doors and until one opens I need to just move forward and see where God takes me. And as to romance? I still need to heal. I'm not in a place to pursue anyone right now. If someone comes along and I think God may be doing it, I'll deal with that then. As for now, I need time.
“Sigh, Lord God I know your plans are best, but what are your plans??!! Only You know. Lord help me to persevere in You. Even perseverance is increasingly tiresome God. I’m so weary. Lord, help me trust You in the unknown. Help me to take steps of faith because that’s often where You are. Lord, just help me…”
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