As the Days Pass By...

"I wanna know why you gave me eyes
When faith is how I see
And tell me
Is it easier to doubt
Or harder to believe

Oh there’s so many questions stirring in me

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time"

-From "These Things Take Time" by Sanctus Real


I'm praying a lot more lately. Wrestling with the Lord more lately. More of the usual I suppose. As I begin my 2nd week at work I'm relieved it'll be about half the hours I worked last week. It wasn't fun to pull two 11 hour days and end with 42 hours. I was tired by the end of my shift that I had literally no energy to think straight, study, or do anything but rest. I wanted those days to be over. I didn't want to be freaked out and pressured when they say the Vice President of the company is at a store nearby and COULD be on his way to ours. The whole store scrambles to make our store manager look good for about an hour as the big wig always finds something to correct. That's not the life for me. Last week a member of management predicted I would be the next Produce manager and another guy asked when I would be. They wouldn't want me as a manager. Upcoming pastors are often asked, "Is there anything else you could do in life other than pastor and still be content? If so, you should do that." This question is asked because pastoring requires a God-given perseverance and strength that can endure the messy lives of broken people and still stand up once or twice a week and proclaim the unadulterated truth. I continue to answer that question with a resounding "no." This is the burden God has given me. He has continued to test and try me in the years I've been saved and especially in the last two. In many respects I already feel like a pastor. I'm comforted by the fact that I don't need to feel a fear of these corporate managers any longer. I do have another opportunity for work. I stay in this job because I know they will be flexible with me if I need to go candidate for a pastoral position somewhere. I've built a reputation here. Also, I look forward tot he possibility of learning something new and doing something different as they've talked of training me in Starbucks inside the store.

Because God has prepared me in the way He has I continue to be baffled and confused as to why He hasn't opened the door for full time ministry yet. I can only trust He has more work for me to do here still. I'm reminded that Jesus didn't enter His formal ministry until His early thirties, though I cringe at the thought of waiting that long. I've sent out a few more resumes recently. A door closed on an Associate Pastor position in PA. They said their needs wouldn't match my gifting. I also re-established contact with Alistair Begg's church in Ohio. They have a 1 year paid pastoral internship program. I'm still waiting to hear from the church in KS. They did recently say they're picking up meeting again and will begin to make some decisions in the next few weeks. A large part of me wants this church. I enjoy the feel of the people and the service. I also think I would fit well with the evangelistic outlook they have to reach the locals. I'm ready to nest somewhere and begin my own life.

On the other hand, I wonder if the Lord may be preparing me to stick around here a bit longer as much as I struggle with the thought of that. I think I'm beginning to see the need for ministry here at home. I need to be so discerning though. There's so much need out there. I must go where I believe the Lord wants me, not just where there's need. A couple friends have recently suggested I look overseas. I already know there's plenty need out there, but is that where God wants me? I'm not sure. I don't know that I'm prepared to raise specific support for such a work if I'm uncertain if God may work sooner than it takes to do that. A friend is gathering information for me about it nonetheless. The reason I say that I see the needs here at home is that even this weekend, God has brought some interesting things my way. A guy I worked with 10 years ago now works with me again. He struck up a conversation with me out of nowhere on facebook chat Saturday night asking what church I went to. I probed further to ask about his background and try to assess his spiritual state as best I could. He has a 6 year old girl and said he's been out of church for about 10 years. It turns out when he was a senior in high school I was a freshman in the same high school. He said he's been pulled and convicted about his spiritual state and wants Christ to be the center of him and his daughter's lives and that he wants to get back into church. I shared my testimony with him including the gospel and invited him to my church. Could this be an opportunity for future discipleship? I'm not sure about his salvation, but is God showing me I need to invest in him?

Beyond this, I begin a men's discipleship group at my church on Jan. 20th where we get together on Thursday nights and talk about how to study the Bible. It will take at least 7 weeks, but most likely more. the pastor tells me that most of the 7 guys who've expressed interest are new to the church. I'll also be preaching once a month at church and helping the pastor with songsheets and powerpoint for morning worship. He's so overloaded. Furthermore there are a number of new people and families to the church. Is God growing the church? Dare I wonder if this means the possibility will open up in the future for a paid position at my home church? I don't want to stay in Texas. Much of this stems from a desire to leave what I had before college and begin my own life afresh. Lord, are you planning something different than I am? I'm just not sure. I just can't say. Last Sunday the pastor was preaching about discerning the specific will of God for our lives. He said it isn't a mystical uncertainty, but that God grants us freedom to make wise choices filtered through the counsel of Scripture and essentially said that's all we need. He then actually said from the pulpit in a list of examples... if you're offered a position as pastor in a church KS you don't have to take it. I laughed as I stood in the back. No one else seemed to notice. Trying to trust that God is sovereign and faithful. I was speaking with some of the older men at church Sunday and I was astonished as I found that they were treating me more as an equal and perhaps more than that as I spoke of theology. It's humbling to see someone who's been in the faith longer than you listening to and respecting your opinion. This Sunday also a guy gave me a book on a biblical view of psychology. My best friend gave me a book on understanding women, haha and a $500 touch screen phone with not only unlimited calling and text, but with internet too. A better tool for ministry! I think also of the time I'm spending with my younger sister. It's been great to be there for her, go jogging together, and tell her Bible stories every now and then. The other day she came into my room and fell asleep for an hour or more on my comfy new sheets as I was reading. It was cute.

As I continue to pray also each week for my sisters in Christ and my future wife, I find myself so emotionally drained from this past semester's events that I want to take a break on pursuing anyone. I know that I can pursue now and that I'm not afraid of rejection. I know that the Lord has taught me how to love, lead, and protect as a man should. I'm prepared for a relationship and still greatly desire the Lord to bless me with a wonderful woman, but I'm trying to focus on what's in front of me right now and I'm sad to say this isn't in front of me as far as I can see. I'm trying to protect myself from on a small level having a wandering heart that I may think clearly enough for the Lord to reveal to me all I need to know when the right woman comes along. I'm resting for now. No one can live on "What ifs" and remain sane.

I continue to spend my free time working out or reading. I'm a few pages from finishing "Is That You, Lord?" By Roberta Rogers about discerning if God is speaking to you or if a thought or idea is from Him or not. This subject has been very relevant to me recently and I hope to write a blog about the book and the subject soon, Lord willing. Three weeks to finish a 200 pg. book isn't bad right? I'm also reading "When the Word Leads your Pastoral Search" by Pastor Chris Brauns on Sunday mornings before church. It's a new book from Moody Publishers recommended to me by a girl on my last sister floor. It's been good so far. I'm soon to start "For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women" by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. I'm VERY curious as to what's found in its pages. It claims to bring clarity to the mind of a woman.


PRAYER:
Oh Lord, I need you now during this time. You know all that's on my heart and mind. You know what I need better than I do and how that may differ from what I want. I know the man you've made me to be. I know you have good things planned for me. Help me to trust you for those things and learn all you want me to learn in this season of my life. Grant me direction in the best I can receive it, Lord. I want to do what you want me to do above my own desires and longings. God grant me wisdom and discernment as I make the next major decisions in my life when the times come to make them. I don't want to be hasty or foolish. Help me to walk carefully, prayerfully, and biblically in the days ahead of me... whatever they may bring.