"Use Me Here, Where I am, I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans.
Despite my fear, I place my life in Your hands. The future can wait, tomorrow might be too late,
So Jesus use me here."
-Chorus from the song, "Use Me Here" By Everydodyduck
"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going."
-Hebrews 11:8
Anticipating the moment the airplane landing gear touched ground at DFW Airport in TX, I cringed as the doldrums of reality entered their next stage. "Lord, why did you bring me back here?" When I sat in O'Hare Airport in Chicago I kept asking God not to let me get on that plane. A girl on my sister floor happened to walk up to sit at that same gate for the next flight out to WA where she was from. We chatted a bit. I found it funny that God didn't send me directly home, but instead got me a connecting flight into Kansas City, MO before heading home to TX in good time. The airlines were overbooked and it seemed impossible for a standby flier like me to get home during the Christmas season. It was difficult to pray for a flight home that day with such mixed emotions.
I'm not sure what else there is to say about where my heart is. Praying the Lord would open and close doors, that He would prepare me in any way necessary for what's next if something is lacking in me, that He would grant the patience and contentment I need. I've agreed not to work until after Christmas. Needed a break.
I put my Christmas money to good use. Got a few Christmas gifts for friends. Got a used computer desk to replace the old one that was more convenient, comfortable, and my style. Got a cheap slim swivel desk chair. Got a webcam to keep up with my friends from school via skype. Got a curtain for my window (dark blue). Got new sheets and pillowcases (dark blue... and they feel like pajamas!). Got the best wireless adapter Best Buy could offer for the internet (tired of bad connection problems! no more!). While re-decorating my room and settling in, I've been spending time with my sister. There's a park in walking distance from my house with a public basketball goal and pavement. We played some basketball, went to a dollar movie, and did some shopping since I've been back. My friend Lindsey invited me to a church dinner with her parents. It was so funny that her pastor thought we were a couple. I laughed out loud when I realized what he was implying. She corrected him before I could. She even took her family and my sister and I to see the new Narnia movie. I enjoyed it.
I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can and by God's grace I'm doin alright. I get to attend the Church Christmas Eve service, which in years past I've always worked. I anticipate a meeting with my pastor soon to talk about how I can best help serve at church until the Lord does something else in my life. I think the primary need is teaching and teachers from what I've seen. While I found a basketball goal I also looked back into the city Recreation Center. It's $40 a year for residents. If nothing opens up int he next month or two I'm thinking of buying a membership. I realized I actually gained 20 lbs. this past semester! At the funeral I was also reminded about the toll age takes on the human body. Trying to watch my health and eating habits better.
Praying and trying to trust the Lord will do great things. Not easy.
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