Burnout

Spent too much time shopping yesterday for a work uniform. Spent too much time socializing last night. I've had less than 5 hours of sleep. Skipped chapel. Skipped Old Testament. I have a major paper due Thursday... of which I have about 30% done. I have a Greek quiz in under 2 hours... of which I'm hardly confident. I work tonight. Got a short paper due Wednesday morning. Lord... I'm silent before you. Nothing I seem to do is enough. I can't stay up like I used to. I can't push the envelope like before. I'm drowning. I don't even know what a time of rest looks like anymore. I am a zombie.

The Laments of a Street Preacher in Bible College

general stuff:

Classes have been rather intensive this semester. The thought of not having prepared over the summer only makes me shudder. I can't sit on it too long. That's done and over... time to deal with the now. The now is that I see 4 days a week of work (24 hours-the school's max) will likely be too much. I'll be working one less day a week beginning next week. That would equal about 2-3 hours per week less than last semester. Lord please provide! This semester has brought a lot of reading with it. Nearly all of the textbooks are required reading by the end of the semester... some of them have deadlines and/or accompanying book reports. Currently I have a majority of the reading done for this semester, but will it be enough? The amount of reading I've done has caused my roommate to be concerned that I may be approaching burnout. He is conspiring to capture and drag me off to a social event. His sincere efforts may not be kindly welcomed. For those who believe Bible college will be a paradise of studying the Bible, worship, fellowship, and an almost sure bet to find your soulmate amongst the fish in the pond of believers... wake up :).

I find myself struggling in the amount of study and preparation I put into my ministry at the retirement home. The work ethic in me and care for the people desires to give them the best I can. What does that look like though? Last semester it took anywhere from 6-10 hours a week to prepare a sermon I was somewhat satisfied with. Can I even do that this semester? I'm studying Greek and doing its' homework nearly every day and that's just to keep up! I can go on and on... there's never nothing to do here! Now that that's off my chest... I do know that I get what I bargained for... I know that ministry won't be easy and training for ministry won't be easy either. The time struggles are real. The financial struggles are real. The relational struggles are real. Even the theological struggles can be real (as hopefully we don't accept everything we believe at face value). I tell myself to stop whining but does that help? It doesn't stop what goes on in my head.

Just the other day I read the last portion of Haddon Robinson's Biblical Preaching and was inspired by the fact that God will and chooses to use our ministry regardless of how much we think we have or have not put into it. He explained how amazing it is to see when people approach him after a service and tell him how the message blessed their lives that day when he knows he thought it could have been better or he wanted more time to prepare something. That can only be the Holy Spirit. That's not the first time I've heard a story like that from a pastor. I suppose that's where I should find my rest. God has me here in the exact places I am for His exact purposes. Last Sunday I had a woman tell me about an angry lady on her floor at the retirement home who when people walk by she tries to coax them in and when they refuse... she cusses them out. The woman said she thinks God may be telling her to go in and share the gospel with that lady. I agreed that she should and she was honest in saying, "but I don't want to." If only the average Christian was that honest... maybe we would get somewhere in our obedience to the Word.

Laments:

I laugh inside as I type that word. It seems one of the common things a melancholy does is lament. His laments often occur much more often than the fraction of them made public. Love me or hate me... here ya go... (beep, beep, beep... the sound of the dumptruck raising its load)

A Fransiscan missionary monk, Raymond Lull dedicated his life to preaching the gospel to the Muslim community in 1235 AD. As he traveled to North Africa to witness, it's said one of his tactics was to hold up a copy of the Ten Commandments and announce that the prophet Muhammad had broken each one. Some were saved and some stoned him to death in 1315 (from Introducing World Missions By Scott Moreau). While our goal isn't to be stoned to death... we obviously must recognize the reality and power of the law of God to confront humanity with its' sin and the severity of it.

I sit in my classes this semester related to evangelism and they are as I expected. I knew I would be pulling my hair out and I surely am. These ideas of man-centered evangelism, lifestyle evangelism, and passive "sweet and cuddly" evangelism are causing a fidget fest in my classroom chair. Recently a student said the only way we can reach this postmodern world is to practice the methods of Michael Simpson's Permission Evangelism. This is to act in such a way that you strategically get them to ask you for permission to share your testimony and shy away from discussion of hell or the severity of sin beyond the idea that it "separates us from God." Today in class a professor made a plug for lifestyle evangelism and a quiet girl spoke up in class to eloquently say that a perspective like that often leads her to justify not sharing at all. The professor tried to agree where he could, but soon continued. Another professor spoke of the homeless man he saw regurlary as he walked the streets of Chicago passing the same location. He talked of how he was trying to build a relationship with the man. A student raised his hand to ask, "What if that guy died tomorrow?" I met that student today. He's a fan of Mark Cahill.

What hurts more is to see my fellow students nodd in affirmation, give vocal Christian "mmmm's" in agreement, and walk up after class to express their gratitude in the perspective and philosophy they're learning. Where is our fervor of urgency? Where does the desire we say we have actually meet our methodology? As I continue to meet those of the seemingly small group of students who support intentional evangelism, I praise God yet remain in the dilemma. Lord, these people are going to leave this school and minister to people who will become the next generation of "Christian" hecklers that come up to the believer preaching the truth on the streets and tell him "this isn't the Jesus I know." I could spend all the rest of the night talking about all this, but in fairness I will say one of the teachers did make an important clarification that I will praise him for and share with you... you CAN be relational in evangelism without having a relationship built. Ponder on that... it's one of the good things I've taken from the class.

To Grow or Not to Grow

I wish I had so much more tiem to write... I enjoy it so. But I'm facing Greek and Old Testament studying still ahead of me and it's already about 9pm. At least we're not in the double digits yet, right? Some updates I will share in breakneck speed and sadly without the fervor I'd like to put into them...

I met with the Moody Radio gentleman to "claim" my job. Last semester he said he would have at least the one shift open for me... I filled out the application and all was well. I even called him over summer to let him know I was still interested. As he turned the corner I greeted him with a smile only for him to say, "you must be here for my son...?" (in a puzzled way). I gathered myself and reminded him of our meeting last semester to which he said he had no openings and gave the job to a broadcasting major. It was difficult to contain my sinking sadness that rushed through me. He took down my info in case the guy fell through. I left the 8th floor of the Crowell building furstrated and scared. I convinced myself that my only option was to return to the job I had formerly and work as many hours as it took (prolly 30) and pray that God would provide before my grades suffered. I shared this plan in a study to group and they smakced me over the head with, "Joseph! You're taking Greek and Old Testament. You'd get like 3 hours of sleep a night!" Then one of the new guys on our floor said, "If you had something firm there would be no room for faith." Inside I was somewhat paralyzed by that statement... it was true. "Aww man, I thought. They're right." I prayed today as I walked to my old job. They eagerly accepted my return. I'll be working 4 days instead my original 5 over there... which is the same as last semester. I start back this Saturday. I may even get Produce primarily instead of Deli. I feel like the 10 spies who looked at the "giants" and ran while Caleb and Joshua trusted God. If I walk by sight, my bank account says I may only be here for one more year. If I walk by faith... whatever happens is because of God's sovereignty and I can trust in Him regardless. I know He's brought me here for a reason. For every Moody student accepted there were 2 students who were not. May I never forget that and give glory to God alone.

I also am enjoying the study of preaching. I'm ahead in that class and not any other! I even decided to ask the prof about my "big idea" for my sermon in PCM coming up in just over a week. He was helpful, but boy was I nervous... fumbling my words... experiencing anxiety memory loss... and accidentially hitting my glasses with my hand... I'm such a basket case.

My 4th grade teacher emailed me today saying she wanted to invite me over before I left. I didn't expect an email from her. I gave her a call over summer to update her on what's happening in my life.

I got my new driver's license in the mail today!! Let's look at it... oh good... the picture isn't horrible.

Honest thoughts: Will I learn to trust God as I should? When? How? Is it timidity? Is it anxiety? Is it worry? Is it a combination of those things? Worry is a lack of trusting Him. Oh Lord, how do I trust You?

The Initial Shockwave

Well I've been through my first two days of class and have encountered all my classes at least once for the semester. I'll have spent a running total of $95 on textbooks... some from the bookstore and some from the used sale of students... others I'm still borrowing. Thank the Lord they aren't all that expensive this semester!

Christian Missions w/Naaman looks like it'll be a good class. It's one of the easier looking ones. I'll have to write about a missionary amongst a group of other mini-papers. I'm considering Tom Watson, the missionary our church supports, however I also need to evaluate my church's missions program separately so maybe I won't do him. I'll also be required to do a kind of evangelism activity in the city... looking forward to that. One of the textbooks for the class is a book of martyr stories, some of which are martyrs that graduated from Moody. The prof seems to be a good balance of humor and integrity. He has a Muslim background and a passion to reach that community.

Intro to Disciplemaking with Craigen was not too bad either. I imagine it won't be that hard. It involves a good number of evangelism activities outside of school. While the evangelism methods presented in the class are more focused on relational and "servant evangelism," I appreciated the prof covering some good ground and balance. He wasn't what I expected, while ultimate judgment is reserved for the end of course. I think at least one of the textbooks could have been better chosen though. One of the books is Permission Evangelism By Michael Simpson. It seems to be exactly what the title suggests. I've read through chapter one and have all kinds of writing and underlining in it already... I'm anticipating providing a thoughtful report on my response to the book as one of our assignments. It has some good comments, but the overall thrust is a bit man-centered and boy does the author seem to slam street preachers! It will be a "thorough" read for me I'm sure. It'll go on my shelf next to Becoming a Contagious Christian, which I believe was actually used here at the school before this book. Sigh... much work to do here. I look forward to the Way of The Master Season 3 watching parties I plan to hold when the DVDs arrive :)

Old Testament Survey with Marty is what I expected as NT last semester... a few long reading reports and tough quizzes. Praise God I finished reading the whole OT over summer!!!! So that's behind me now. The prof has begun to crack down on attendance and conduct in class though. Last semester it was quite difficult to stay awake in a 2 hour class like that one. Why do I fall sleep so much and in so many venues? He says if he catches a student sleeping, he'll kick them out of the class and they'll have to take a cut for that day. I understand his reasons and don't blame him, but this will certainly be a challenge for me nonetheless. I always make it there... but my brain may not be with me that whole time.

Greek Grammar I with Gray is still a wild card. It's his first semester teaching Greek so it'll be hard to tell how he'll work out. The first class got me worried because he said we didn't have to worry because if we didn't know Greek, "I don't know it either... we'll learn this together. They just threw me into this. ...well that's partly true." Flashing red lights in my head heated until the bulbs broke! Today was better though. It's apparent that the real learning in the class will come from personal study anyway (1-3 hours per night)... as many of the Greek classes seem to be. I'm just glad we don't have ONLY the textbook. The Croy textbook is not good for self-study without any worksheets, supplemental instruction, or someone saying the pronunciations out loud. The class meets for an hour 4 days a week. I still have 5 chapters and practice exercises to do tonight!

Communication of Biblical Truth (first Preaching class) with Koessler will almost surely be my favorite class. Who would have guessed, eh? I hear he's a tough critic for constructive criticism... but that's good as long as I have the right spirit about me as I hear the feedback. He's got a sense of humor about him too. He said someone once was relaying a rumor they heard to him. They told him, "I heard you make the men and women in your class cry." He said "that's not true... I've never made a woman in my class cry." About 40% of the class is teaching us about preaching theory and content... the rest is spent preaching or listening to another student preach and evaluating.

PCM starts September 7th so I'll continue preaching at the Retirement Home. I've prepared a tentative list of the passage divisions to be able to finish the book of Galatians in the next 13 weeks I preach there. God has blessed me with about a month to begin formulating outlines and marinating in the texts of my upcoming sermons. We also get a new guy in our team who is also a Pastoral major. Maybe he and I can share the preaching load a bit! I haven't met him yet. There's still formal meetings and information distribution from the school this week.

I'm trying to stay on top of my reading so far... which is easy without working. Still no clear word on my job with the Radio station... the guy I needed tot alk to Monday will be back Wednesday (tomorrow) so I still need to talk with him and prayerfully... Lord willing... get more hours than the initial plan. I know the other job is still waiting to hear from me though. Man I also found out that I'd need a brand new pair of white-soled shoes if I wanna work out in the gym here! I walked all the way to the gym dressed and ready to start up again only to come back to my room and drop the whole thing :( It was rather disappointing. Oh hey, can you believe I'll be 24 years old in less than a month?!

Back... physically.

I'm back at college and classes start tomorrow morning. I'm all moved in. I've said some of my hellos and had a few reunions. When I shift locations it's nearly two different worlds. At home I found myself forgetting what days we didn't have chapel and a lot of people's names. Now that I'm back I feel kinda awkward too. I'm somewhat in default work mode... kinda unemotional as I get re-oriented. I forgot a couple things at home and seem to have lost a textbook I'll need for this semester. My new roommate is cool though... I knew who it would be. Two street preachers in one room can't go wrong, right? We have some pretty different ideas and principles in how we do things though. I still have much to do to prepare for the semester... finish buying books, pickup my transportation pass, straighten out a financial thing, get a job status, and possibly make a doctor's appointment.

As I look at the semester ahead of me and anticipate the workload and what lies ahead, I want to just go head first. I want to be more disciplined than before, I wanna ATTEMPT to incorporate working out, and I wanna meet the newbies to the school (cuz I no longer am one! :)). I hear all the new freshmen on the sister floor look like they're all 14. That'll be interesting.

This semester's schedule not including work or working out...

Old Testament Survey (Lecture) TuTh 11:00AM - 12:50PM

Greek Grammar I (Lecture) MTuWF 1:00PM - 1:50PM

Introduction to Disciplemaking (Lecture) MW 9:00AM - 9:50AM

Christian Missions (Lecture) MWF 11:00AM - 11:50AM

Communication of Biblical Trut (Lecture) TuTh 8:00AM - 9:15AM

(16 hours)

As I understand it... that means 2 easy classes, 2 pretty hard classes, and one less hard class