My Testimony

I grew up with one parent who had a Roman Catholic background and the other with a Lutheran background. I was baptized Lutheran as a baby. My parents never practiced anything actively and only went to church when we visited my grandparents in Kansas on Christmas. No one in my immediate family nor very likely my extended family is saved. I began journaling at age 13 and still own most of those journals. At that age I decided I was an Atheist because of all the emotional pain in my life. Most of my early childhood I exhibited signs of what I now believe was bipolar depression. This was probably inherited from my mother. I mocked God for years in my supposed intellectual Atheistic freedom. A friend and I would blaspheme the name of God for fun when we knew Christians were in the same room. Where the rubber met the road however I found myself in secret crying out to God to show Himself in my moments of pain. If He existed I hated Him. The problem was that He had already shown Himself so many years ago and even gave us an extensive record of it.

At around 16 yrs. old I met a girl who was and probably still is a cultural Christian, but not a true believer. I began an immoral relationship with her that went on and off for about 4 years. I was what people would now call a "goth." My life was defined by my hobbies, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, etc. Somewhere in that time I took a step to believe in a god. My reason was that it at least would stop the Christians I knew from getting emotional and arguing with me so angrily, but for the degree of hardness that was in my heart this decision could only really have been motivated by the supernatural drawing of the Holy Spirit. I began attending church with her and FOR her. At about age 18 I came to a point where I understood the facts of the gospel and prayed to receive Christ. This was followed by a worthless baptism and a mere outward attempt at morally reforming my life. I called myself a Christian and wore the proper name tag for months without ever having a divine change of heart and true regeneration.

One morning I believe I attended church alone and the pastor said something God used to demolish my fake faith. The pastor said, "Jesus' message is this: 'If you follow me, I'll take care of you. If you follow yourself or someone else... you're on your own.'" The Lord used those words to show me that maybe I was still on my own. Not long afterward was a period of roughly 2 weeks where I cried out to God in true repentance toward Him. My mind AND heart had changed so much so that I turned away from my faith in myself, the sins I so loved, and toward faith in Christ alone. The defining moment when I had assurance of salvation was when my sin weighed so heavily upon me that I had the same feeling as the feeling you have when you have hurt the person you love the most. I hurt the Lord with my sin and I knew it. I literally trashed or sold all kinds of junk in my life that defined me... who I WAS, but who I now was not. God put a desire in me to soak up His Word and I attended as many Bible studies as possible.

I eventually ended that relationship. God used my greatest idol (infatuation and a false concept of love) to bridge the gap between He and myself. Within the next few years God put a burden on me to lead His people despite my overwhelming introversion and gave me the desire to see others grow in their faith. I am 24 now. Within the past few years God has healed me of my bipolar depression and shown me that I have an Advocate in Jesus Christ as I struggle in the Christian life. I applied to Moody and got in on the first try. The Lord has provided miraculously to keep me here and I can only be grateful and pray that I glorify Him first in all that's written here and all to come. My family is still walking in darkness and headed for the lake of fire and I take every opportunity to share te gospel clearly with them and answer their questions.

May God be glorified in your reading of this and may the many "I's" and "me's" in the paragraphs above be overtaken by the work of Christ displayed in them!

Familiar Thoughts

Working with Tom Thumb/Safeway/Dominick's for a number of years one of the main things that was beaten into my head was customer service. One of the primary features of this is to greet every customer within hearing distance. We actually can get "talked to" if we miss greeting a customer. I remember a few times that I greeted an older gentleman as he came through the department. Very often people answer a greeting with "fine, doing well, great, good" and the like. This man wanted to shake things up. He wanted to have a little fun with people who greeted him. His standard answer was "terrible!" with a smile. I liked that man. It occurred to me today that my Melancholy comes out even when I'm asked, "How are you?" My standard answer is "not too bad." Saying that looks similar to "I'm doing bad, but not that bad." So my tentative goal is to use words that are honest, yet a bit more positive and reflective of what I'm really trying to communicate....lol. 

I just got back from a rap concert on campus put on by students here at Moody. I continue to be amazed at how God uses people and culture to bring glory to Himself. Since the DVD is only $5 I'm planning to pick one up and show friends back home. When the Bible and rap come together awesome things happen. I can see why Paul Washer speaks at many Christian rap concerts supporting those like Ambassador, Cross Movement, Lecrae, 116 Clique, and others. I was reminded of who I am tonight at this concert though...lol. I'm just not the type to sway, bounce, and wave my arm to the music. I think I identify with John Piper who was once compared to Mark Driscoll in a panel discussion. Driscoll is said to go to comedy clubs and I think when Piper was asked why he doesn't go to things like that his reply echoed my heart at its core. He said, "John Piper is weak." Such a conscience (while not always) is commonly attached to those who are more reserved and bookwormish. Maybe I made that connection more easily in my head than in writing... hopefully you see somewhat where I'm going. My point is that personalities can be telling in certain circumstances. Speaking of Piper I hear an interview recently with he and Mark Dever about his calling to the pastorate. Piper actually went from a professor at a Bible college to a pastor when it usually goes the opposite direction. He fundamentally said God made it impossible in his own heart for him to remain a professor. It was a wonderful little 6 minute story.

God is so good. As I returned back from Spring Break weeks ago I was told that my Chicago job couldn't afford to take me back and that I should look elsewhere. So I've been out of work and trying to focus on my studies a bit more and attend school events. I've applied to a few jobs for next semester, but it doesn't seem promising to find a job that will let me leave for summer in about 6 weeks and then come back. So I've been trying to trust God. He has paid for the rest of my semester, the summer classes, and all of next semester. Beyond that, our house sold back home and my dad will now be able to continue helping me pay for school. I really hope those numbers are not where my confidence is found. Lord I must look only to you!

As I try to keep so many of those I know in prayer I continue to pray for my future wife. The Lord has been humbling me lately in revealing my own inadequacy and my continued need for His divine intervention and ordering of circumstances. If it was up to me I would ruin everything...lol. I can hardly have a meaningful friendship with a woman, who knows what would happen if I actually fell for one at this stage in my life. With His help I've been able to guard my heart appropriately and hopefully be an encouragement and a sober mind to the few sisters I know. Through all this I'm reminded (with a half smile) of all those times growing up that I could easily build friendships and be there for the women in my daily life when they needed to talk, but the curse of the hopeless romantic basketcase is that the answer to his heart's desire remains in the unknown. For the Christian this unknown is not unknown, but in the capable hands of a sovereign God. While I love ministering to my sisters in Christ a chunk of me continues looking into the heavens with one eye and wondering, "when will it be my turn, Lord?" I enjoy the song, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller from the movie, Fireproof. Like the song says I will worship and take every step in obedience... I will serve Him.... while I'm waiting. There's little point in spending too much time being concerned with something God has not chosen to do yet. 

Why did she say No? and "Pop-Culture Church"

Things have been somewhat busy lately. I haven't written in some time however and feel the need to do so today to share some of the things going on in my life recently... while they may be a scattering of different things.

-First I want to share something that is an ever-present reminder of the redeeming nature of God's salvation. I think I've mentioned in an earlier entry that it's been a blessing to have helped mentor a friend of mine in high school as he shares his faith in that the public school. I mentioned how it's a blessing to (in a way) be able to be a part in reaching out to the public high school through him when I never had that opportunity. I was still far from God then. In that sense and a more general one, we sang a song today in church that just magnified the grace of God and His work in my life. In Chris Tomlin's (not Hillsong's) song, "This is Our God" a few words in the first verse really captured this for me...

"He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years. This is our God."

I think of all those years I could reached out to those in my midst if I had been saved at an earlier age. I think about how I could have begun my growth process in Christ and perhaps be even closer to Him now than I am... if only I were saved then. The beautiful thing about the Lord is that He "returns our wasted years" however. I won't get those exact years back, but God has used me to reach out to them in other ways. Beyond that, He will continue to use me where He has me now in ways I may never know until I get to heaven. This is our God.

-For general updates... school is going well enough. Grades are alright. I'm keeping up with classes somewhat sufficiently. I have a big paper due next Monday on identifying the 24 elders of Revelation. I was recently given Halo for the computer and have since beaten it and sometimes play the online internet Halo games. It has been a small distraction, but I suspect boredome with it will soon surface. Speaking of boredome... it has combined with frustration to help choose to stop going to the gym regurlarly. It was becoming boring to go. I wasn't going with anyone and couldn't even develop a consistent enough time to do that anyway. One Saturday was the catalyst for me however. On Saturdays they close at 4pm and the locker room is closed off also due to the basketball games they frequently hold. this causes one to either come dressed in workout clothes (which is often too cold for me to want to do) OR change in the restroom. I trek up to the restroom only to find that the only stall in the men's room was occupied. That did it. I left and haven't looked back. I suppose what will seal the deal is when I start wearing my workout shoes on the street. It hasn't happened yet however... pray for me? lol. I've also began reading a chapter each week on Sunday mornings from Alistair Begg and Derek Prime's book, "On Being a Pastor." I'm on chapter 5 and have been very encouraged by this book. This week the chapter spoke about the role of prayer in the life of the pastor's personal life and as he relates to those he shepherds. A good reminder for me as I often don't give prayer the attention it deserves in many cases.

-Another item that comes to my intention in writing this blog is the Junior/Senior Banquet here at Moody. For the longest time my roommate has been threatening to set me up with someone. He may still do so. The banquet is such that we pay for it in our school bill whether we go or not. So I say then, why not go? My initial thought was to think to see if there is anyone would be best to ask on a date for such an event. Some people go in groups, some alone, and others... with dates. Obviously this can be as friends or in an actual relationship or as something that may lead to an actual relationship. All that being said, I don't talk to many people and I hardly have anything close to a social circle. I'm a homeworkaholic who stays in his room. This limited my "candidates" if you will to ask to this banquet. My roommate and I have been bouncing names off eachother... I don't really know the ladies he's referring to and he pretty much knows all the ones I have referred to. So... the list is rather short.

It came down to someone he recommended who I've yet to have any real conversation with and a friend I've had in a few classes who carries a personality that (in my estimation) is one that seeks humility. The more I think about what I find most attractive in a woman... the more I begin to eliminate fickle preferences of personal appearance, any other external factors, or even my own hobby horses that I wish every woman would agree with me about, but what it seems to come back to for me is that I want a woman who has a sincere desire in seeking after patience with people and humility before God. The rest flows out of these things for me. So beyond those two choices, it broke down to those I know a little less and have had fewer meaningful interactions with and beyond that... no one. I tend to have fewer close friendships and much less acquaintances. The trouble is... I have VERY few close friendships and even fewer of those are with women. I planned twice to meet and talk to the former of the two ladies and God didn't allow that to happen. SO... yesterday I met with the latter of these two and asked her out. It's been probably 3 years or more since I've asked someone out and at least 2 years since I've been on a date. The Lord was with me in boldness however as my heart beat heavily in my chest. I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that beating around the bush with these things is simply a waste of time and emotions. If I'm gonna say it... I need to just say it. And I did. 

Now... of all the answers that could be given for a question like this (Yes, No-I'm not interested in you, No-I'm interested in someone else, No-I'm dating someone else, No-I'm married)... there's one I would have NEVER expected. It came out to be No-I'm called to singleness. Now I've only met about 2 people in my Christian life that could say the same so this was certainly a surprise to say the least. Apparently my roommate says this answer is not so uncommon, especially among women who desire to do mission work. I told her I wholeheartedly respect her decision to devote her life to pleasing God and I would certainly keep her in prayer. I sat back in my chair yesterday afternoon and simply laughed. I looked up to the heavens and laughed in astonishment at the sometimes ironic nature of God's sovereignty. I've devoted much time to praying that if there's too much of me in "finding a date" that God would shut it down before I have a chance to mess it up further and tear into an old category of emotional wounds. I've often rested purely on God's sovereignty and timing when it comes to the thought of my future wife. Does this mean I am to continue waiting? More immediately... does this mean I am to go alone to JSB? Should I find a friend to go with me instead? Should I find an acquaintance? To these questions I yet have no answer.

The reality remains that registration is at the end of this week. What shall I do? What shall I do, indeed? My roommate suggest I continue to search. Part of me wants to and part of me does not. I'm not here to find a wife but to study God's Word. That has always been my first priority. My roommate says at the very least I should keep my eyes open... that I will do, while casually. My friendship with the latter young lady will continue unchanged on my end. I praise God there are absolutely no hard feelings and hopefully no awkwardness. Things are cool. This morning at church God also reminded me of His watchful eye and workings in my life as we happened to sing Blessed Be Your Name as the last song. The last time that song had significance for me was when I came to the restful realization of sovereign God's hand after my last breakup a couple years ago. I'll never forget the words in the chorus of that song, "He gives and takes away. He gives and takes away. [So] my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name!" He certainly does give and take away, doesn't He? And sometimes He even prevents. I cannot forget this truth. It's as if God reminded me of His own sanctifying work in my life to show me that last time this song comforted me it was in a spirit of utter despair and emotional collapse. This time however it comforts me in a spirit of pure rejoicing that God knows what He is doing and that my longings are not unknown to Him. My desires are not foreign to Him... afterall I've made them known to Him more times than I can count. No, there's no need to worry Joseph. There's no need to analyze. I laugh to myself. I am so small and God is so big. It's only by His sanctification that I find myself more joyful that one of His children has decided to devote her life to Him and not to some man. This brings joy... because it's all orchestrated by God's capable hands. May the Lord bless your ministry my prayerful sister in Christ...

-Something else I want to discuss is that I've been greatly encouraged by the comments of Martyn Lloyd-Jones in his book, "Preaching and Preachers" written in the 70's. One of the things he spoke of was when he visited a church once and the preacher was doing a series on Jeremiah. He was speaking on the text where Jeremiah could refrain no longer but had a "fire in his bones." Lloyd-Jones said the one thing that was entirely missing in that service was "fire." He said of the preacher, "the good man was speaking about fire as if he were sitting on an iceberg." I love it! Another thing Lloyd-Jones often rants about is the nature of how contemporary for my lack of a better word the church had become in his day. While he comes from a "high-church" Presbyterian perspective and I don't agree with everything he speaks about, there's something to be said about this aspect he portrays in his book. We would do well to pay attention to see if we as a Church universal and church local are becoming more than Paul's "all things to all men so that some might be saved" than Paul intended or expected to happen in our day. 

There is constant pressure these days on church leaders and pastors to adopt methodologies, develop programs, run the church like a well-oiled corporate machine, and perhaps more prevalent and yet along those lines... to bring this empty, advertisement-oriented, trendy set of  offerings of spiritual growth to people. These come in the form of "the next big thing" in "your Christian life." When I was new to the faith I remember this all too well. A church would announce the next 6-week series of Bible studies and say something like, "THIS will CHANGE... YOUR... LIFE." They would play a clip in the main service from a pre-packaged DVD small group Bible study set with some kind and promised results for those who attend. Or they would mail out somethig to the surrounding community about it and call this outreach. Results are promised seemingly without consideration of how God may or may not work in the individual lives of the people who may or may not attend. Perhaps you go and are blessed by the "study." Perhaps you go and have to sift through mediocre teaching from some mega-church pastor who is so far removed from your situation (often in another zipcode) that you wonder how the group leader can simply push a play button and ask discussion questions without ever opening the Bible (themself) and teaching with any reasonable depth of exegetical insight or application that is birthed out of knowing those to whom they minister. Even that though says you sifted and got something from the experience. Or perhaps you had the experience I often had... you came to hear and discuss things you already knew with perhaps different words, maintaining your routine until you finally admitted to yourself you were simply let down, left unchanged, and based how good it was on anything but you actually learning truth and the Holy Spirit speaking through that truth.

A friend of mine termed this "Pop-Culture Church." I think that's rather fitting. This could also come out in something the pastor promotes or emphasizes you to do with the same promise of growth. Sometimes it's worded in guilt-trippy phrases like, "you should only do this if you want to grow closer to God. If you don't want to grow closer to God, don't do this." This causes the faithful church member or attendee to come up to the front and grab their free devotional, their I AM LOVED pin, or who knows whatever else it may be and sit back down thus accomplishing what appears to be success in the eyes of the leadership and causes them to write about it in their newsletter, the pastor perhaps piously but subtly brags about it when speaking at other churches and with other pastors only for them to modify it or adopt it in their church because it works... right? This also comes in the form of vision statements that seem to change every few months and be forgotten or even annually to be shelved and probably re-used and/or re-packaged years later. I look at all this and shake my head in utter dismay wanting to stand up in my seat and read Ecclesiastes in a street preacher's voice until we get the point or I'm thrown out. It's all meaningless. Christ did not commission the apostles so that Christian leaders could ignore their example and become eloquent businessmen that carry a Bible, but to "give [their] attention to prayer and the ministry of the Word" (Acts 6:4). The apostles did not establish the church so it could become the latest set of Super Bowl commercials with a Christian logo at the bottom right corner in the smallest font, but so that they would "devote themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer" (Acts 2:42). It's that simple! We don't need more than that! We need more OF that! 

May God help the church today and may He instill such a high view of Himself in us and in whatever ministry to which He has called us so that we may fall to our knees and repent before our High Priest and Great Shepherd who says He wants His people taught and built up... He wants the gospel proclaimed in no-nonsense clarity... and He wants us to seek Him in prayer as we do it.

Lord help Your Church today!

Semester First Impressions.

I've been through all my classes at least once now. I'm taking...

Greek 2
Theological Exposition (The Theology of Preaching)
Intro To Philosophy
Intro To Music
Daniel and Revelation

I must say this semester will bring the most reading of any semester before it. I should have expected that once I entered my now Junior year.

I'm convinced Greek 2 will be a wonderful class for many reasons. I have a better professor this semester. He does devotions from his own translations of New Testament Texts and has applications for us today. In these he also reviews Greek Grammar where it comes up. He then actually has structured helpful lectures on the material which is a change from last semester. I now also have Mounce's Grammar and the CD that comes with it (which has short audio/powerpoint lectures of its own) to aid my study. I think I will have an easier time in Greek this semester because of the review over break and the better quality class. I'm looking forward to it for sure. The only challenge to this class outside of the nature of learning a language will be the personality of the professor. He teaches as if he's preaching with unction every class. He has a certain commanding presence about him. My introversion is likely going to squirm and freeze when he calls on me to the point where I won't be able to think straight in the limited amount of time he gives to answer a question. May God help me develop courage and clarity of thought during this class.

Theological Exposition is not what I expected. The professor (who is also the department chair) decided to restructure the class this semester. It was originally a class on how to prepare topical messages that emphasized a theological theme. I heard students in the past preached on hell and other doctrines. Now the class could be better titled "The Theology of Preaching." Now it's emphasis is more so on thoughtfully working through the discipline of preaching through heavy reading and class discussion. In fact I expect it will be my most reading intensive class next to Dan/Rev. We will read assigned articles on preaching, answer questions, and meet to discuss. Then near the end of the class we will be comparing the sermons of two preachers at a time and discussing them. the majority of the grade will fall upon the reading. One of the most interesting parts of this class is that it's only 10 students in a small room with rectangular table that faces inward. It will be like having a home Bible study with the professor on a much more personal level. I'm excited about this format, but I hope I have time to thoughtfully interact with this class as I would like and most benefit from.

Philosophy looks like it will be interesting. Apparently I have the best professor among student consensus and he seems to be a funny guy too. The reading is still somewhat a mystery as I don't know how much we'll read of this one huge book we have. I really hope the reading for that class is not as daunting as the other major two. One of our books is by R.C. Sproul and I've neevr read any of his stuff so I'm looking forward to that.

Music class is the one I frankly am least concerned about. Our first class session was today and while it seemed enjoyable for what it was, I really hope the workload is minimal. I was overjoyed to hear that he required NO textbooks... what does that mean? NO READING! He almsot gave the impression that much of what we'd be doing is listening to music... I'm up for that. We even get to have a time of prayer and song together... amen to that.

Dan/Rev looks like the class will give me what I wanted in choosing it as one of my 2 Bible electives. I wanted a better grasp on Eschatology. With all the personal study and reading this class will require I'm sure I'll be happy with it when I'm finished (in more ways than one). Other than that... it is what it is.


I continue to attempt to find better employment here in Chicago. It's an everpresent struggle to trust God even though my immediate needs are provided for. God is gracious and so good. I heard the call center on campus had 12 positions open this semester so I emailed the contact person and then called her to leave a message (bear in mind this is the second day of school). The grocery store I've been working at is expecting a call from me by the end of the week to give my new availability and start next week so my job search would have to begin and end this week. I decide to walk over to the appropriate building and I see approx. 10 students there practicing to work for the call center. My heart stirred with a combination of sadness and shock as the woman in charge approached me. I told her I'd contacted her about working for the call center and hadn't heard form her. She said she'd email back tonight but that she was in training now. I left the building in utter defeat as I did that one morning when I was passed up for the job with campus radio. As I walked, I tossed back and forth with God confused about His will. When I reached the library to begin my long task of heavy reading I sat down first to pray and acknowledge Him and His soveriegnty and recognize that even by what I can see.. I would likely get through this semester and possibly the next one. I go to eat dinner and return to my room to receive an email from one of the only people that I would not expect to hear from considering the circumstances. More than that it was an email that could only be by the hand of God and therefore bring Him the most glory. Who was it? The very manager of Moody Radio who forgot me over last summer and hired someone else. He wants an interview and I'm happy to give him one!

Lord, why do I doubt You? Lord, why do You remain so faithful to me?


I'm also looking forward to being on leadership for Student Outreach this semester. I still don't know if I'll be doing the training for the upcoming nights but my mind has already started working as to how I would approach it if I did. It will be good to get back out on the streets preaching the gospel again. May the Lord use me in whatever capacity I contribute to the team and His Commission!

How Was Your Break?

This is a question I and most of my fellow students will be asked repeatedly over the next few weeks. I wasn't sure what to expect when entering this past break. I can ultimately it was a combination of busy, relaxing, and full of awkwardness... as usual I suppose. It was awkward because it seems the longer I spend more time here at college than at home, this place and these people become more of a home and family to me than my actual one. There are a number of reasons for this, but it's primarily just the time spent. I found myself taking longer to re-adjust or perhaps not adjusting at all when I went to church and especially to work over break. It's amazing to almost watch the lives of people pass by as you're away for months at a time. I saw new people at church, new looks, maturity, and all kinds of things. I wasn't able or at least didn't pursue evangelism as strongly as I could have. I was going to go the last night, but made a promise to spend time with someone before leaving.

Much of my break wa spent studying Greek to make up for last semester. I went through a lot of Mounce's book page by page... which I recommend wholeheartedly. Still have catching up to do tomorrow with that. I spent too much time time staying up late watching TV. I also had time to meet with a few people, but not all that I wanted to sadly. Last night I was over at an old friend's house up till 2am talking about studying Hebrew and speaking in tongues with him and his dad.

I got a good check from the grandparents for CHRISTmas that primarily went to school. I did pick up a few gifts for myself with it. Found a couple CDs I'd wanted for $6 each and a Hebrew Grammar book for half price that I couldn't pass up. My best friend also got me some workout shoes for this semester. Please Lord let me be disciplined enough to get back into a regular workout routine. This is not a New Year's Resolution. Also had 2 separate friends get married and one get engaged over break. It allowed me to ponder a bit on my status and what that meant to me. I was reminded that yes I am single but that God doesn't stop being sovereign.

Well... time for dinner!