By the Water

Late last week I did something totally unlike me. It was something everyone who knows me well would certainly say I'd never do and if I did... I'd definitely make it "productive." I went on a retreat. We went to Green Lake Conference Center in Wisconsin. It was the Senior class retreat and yes this homeworkaholic went. Who could refuse? It was only $25 for roughly 3 days of lodging, meals, fellowship, and being among such a representation of God's creation. We had times of discussion about memories, prayer, singing, a bonfire with S'mores (I successfully made my first S'more ever). It also ended on my birthday. And get this... I only brought my Bible. Are you proud? While I'm trying to catch up on reading some now that I'm back on campus, it's occurring more and more to me that these things in life that we often ignore and don't stop long enough to appreciate are the very things that we cherish in old age and wish we hadn't skipped when younger. I find myself often a guy concerned about the bottom line, efficiency, what will pragmatically be the best use of time to accomplish the requirements of an assignment or class, etc. But during those few days I was alright with the idea of taking a small percentage hit to my grade for missing a couple assigned readings. There were more important things in life.

I'm not one to spend too much time playing games and being in the midst of the traffic and noise. So when I wasn't catching up on the sleep I knew I'd never get when real life began again, I found myself spending time on a bench by the water or on the little dock with my feet propped up on a post. If not there I visited Spurgeon chapel a short distance from the lodge. The door needed a good push to be opened. If you didn't use enough force you'd think it was sealed shut. It was small and full of cobwebs. In the back there was a guestbook, a prayer request tree, and a broken organ. In the front middle on the altar were papers full of prayer requests where you could leave your own and pray for others. To the right was a walk-in pulpit with a Gideon Bible from the early 1950's with the back cover torn off. The acoustics in that chapel were good... you didn't have to speak very loudly for people to hear you. The whole time I was there it seemed unused, though there were 3 chapels in the area. As I stood in the pulpit I couldn't help but think of my future and I needed to pray.

Over my sabbatical it was difficult to concentrate reading Scripture. My prayer for the trip was "Lord, bind my wandering heart to thee." So many things can distract us. I didn't spend nearly enough time by the water. On the dock after dark you could see the cross lit up on a tower. It was so bright it eclipsed the tower itself and looked like it was suspended floating in the air. As I continued my prayer to focus on the Lord I stared at the cross for awhile and thought, "how appropriate." Doesn't the Bible say something about fixing our eyes on Jesus? I was reading earlier today about the Lament Psalms. It was refreshing to find that the authors simply express their distress unashamedly and without reservation to God. Though I knew that, it was interested to have it put the way it was in my textbook. I imagine we often have struggles inside that we only express to the Lord... worries, desires, and pain that if others were to hear it they would think us mad or rebuke us. It's nice to read the Psalms and see such honesty.

I continue to think toward what God will do in my future. This is constantly on my mind. As time passes I ask the Lord for patience and endurance. I tell God I believe, but please help me with my unbelief. I can trust for the outcome, but somehow it's hard to trust for the in-between. I got on the Alumni referral list here at school and they'll be emailing open listings for Pastoral positions across the U.S. I've sent resumes to a good number of them, but God doesn't seem to be working clearly toward any one in particular yet. I'm excited to see what may come. I've got plans if nothing firm begins to come of this before I go back to TX, but I'm willing to forsake those plans and would be happy to if God began to move elsewhere. I wanna go where He sends me. All plans are tentative to sovereignty.

For all who read this... this is a delicate time for me. I need so much prayer. I need wisdom and discernment. I don't want to assume the next seemingly good thing that comes my way is God's will and jump right in. I want to be wise about making choices because the next major choices in my life will be the big ones. I'm ready to make those choices, but I need to make them well. God has done so much in my heart, maturity, and confidence in the past couple years. I've learned a lot. I'm praying He'll let me use it all very soon.