Summer So Far

Here I am praising God still, away from the spiritual haven of school and encouraging friendships. In a world that continues to say you ought to "find strength in yourself" and "find it within" (Jer. 17:5) to live through the challenges and day to day survival I thank God that by His grace I'm able to trust in Him and that He is my strength (Jer. 17:7). The "Self-help" section only points more to self. God is so much bigger than our feeble willpower. I don't wanna find the strength in myself! I can be fickle, earthly, and stupid. If the Lord wasn't ordering my steps despite my plans I'm sure I would never cease to run into the same concrete walls over and over again.

This is becoming a challenging summer. I knew it would be interesting and that God would teach me a lot and He surely is doing that. I've scheduled the times I'll be speaking at church this summer and am excited about those. I get a Wednesday night with the youth, 2 Sunday nights, and a Sunday morning. I think I'll re-work an old message for the youth. The pastor is going through 1 Samuel Sunday nights so I'm thinking of continuing that during the times I speak. For Sunday morning I haven't decided if I'm going to prepare a sermon from my study on Hebrews 6 and the subject of false conversion or my jury sermon from Jeremiah. The message of trusting God and putting Him first above circumstances is one that's been on my mind for some time now. As I look back on last semester I think at least 3 of my sermons (including both classes and internship) dealt with trusting God in some fashion. Knowing these dates has allowed me to schedule the weeks I'll be staying with my mom at her house. It comes out to one week per month until I return to school.

We still don't know exactly what's wrong with her health. before school let out she'd been having seizures more often, but she hasn't had one since I've been home and doesn't seem to have grown any better or worse. She doesn't eat much partly due to depression. She doesn't look healthy (skinny limbs and a somewhat bloated stomach and torso. She doesn't have much energy and gets irritable and annoyed at the smallest things. My grandparents came into town for my sister's graduation and we all went out to dinner. They bought her a new lawnmower and washer. I found out they're sending her $1000 a month. My dad's child support payments to her have stopped with my sister's 18th birthday. My mom still talks often about wanting a job, but doesn't show the motivation to actually pursue them. I'm convinced she doesn't want to work and would rather on some level continue sit home watching TV and drinking. It's been hard to understand how to best show love to my mother and support the gospel I've already shared with her in the past. I've been able to spend a little more time with my sister through all this too. I still want to sit down with her soon and talk.

For the past year or so I've realized I treat my sister differently than other women in my life. She's always been... my sister. The sister I tease, harass, and rough up from time to time. More seriously though I've found that I don't listen to her as much as I would other ladies I know, regardless of the subject. I find my mind wandering when she's telling me about school or her anime. This has bothered me greatly. She's no longer a little girl to pick on... she's growing into a woman and I'm beginning to develop a more adult relationship with her whether I'm ready for it or not. I want to treat her with the same respect I do other women. I want to listen to her and show her the same gentleness and sensitivity as anyone else. Please pray for me as I flesh out what this looks like and try to break away from her being my little sister to the fact that she is growing up. She's realizing how fast she needs to grow up too because in many ways she feels like the parent with my mom. She's doing the housework. She's trying to motivate my mom to get a job. She's cooking food. She's taking care of the animals. She deserves my respect. Please pray with me as I prepare to have this conversation with her.

I've also been meeting with my friend whose marriage has suffered difficulties. It's been a blessing to be there for him during this time because I know he'd be there for me too. AS I've been there for him I've been hearing of so many marriages and relationships ending in divorce, separation, or breakup. Before coming home I get a message on facebook asking for prayer from a Christian man whose wife is bent on divorce on an upcoming deadline due to her unhappiness. I come home to find the pastor I work with in my secular job is going through a separation after 19 years of marriage. I go to starbucks for some reading time and overhear one of the employees say she's getting a divorce. Each time I hear the word it stings. I begin to ask myself why this word even appears in our minds as an option. The Bible gives us 2 reasons for doing something we're forced to call a biblical divorce, yet I think we can look at those reasons and try to explain our circumstances to fit them into those reasons so we have a biblical out or loophole to justify our own pride and satisfy our fickle unhappiness. God Himself says He hates divorce and Moses only came up with the idea because the people's hearts were stubborn.

Not pointing to any one of the above situations in particular, I scream inside and still ask... what happened to "till death do us part?" The character in the movie Fireproof was right when he said when people during their vows say "for better or worse" they really only mean for the better. So many people jump into marriage without being ready. They aren't spending enough time on their knees and faces before God asking Him to reveal the depths of their motives and desires. They are loving their own selfish interests or their fiancee more than the God who gave such a gift. They are entering into a covenant somehow thinking in the back of their minds that it isn't much different than secular dating. There's always a way out. They're considering pre-nuptual agreements and in doing so they're planning to fail. I've found myself re-reading a book this summer I haven't read in some time. I don't often re-read books, but with all the trouble couples are having with conflict lately... something told me I needed to read this one again. It's called Boundaries: Face to Face By Dr. Cloud and Townsend.

As I was reading one line in particular caught my attention. He gave a real example of a guy who broke up with a girl and got with a different one who seemed to excel the area the first one lacked, but she had problems somewhere else so he dropped her too. Then the author made this statement on pg. 79. He said this man could have worked it out with either woman. "Committed married couples do this all the time." I read that and my heart sank. Not only are married couples not committed, but unmarried couples don't think much about commitment either. Married couples who fix problems probably on some level realize they have to. They've entered a covenant and refused to break it. I just wonder... if we can't resolve to work through difficulties before marriage, how do we expect to be able to do so when we are married? Through all this though I've found the Lord working in my heart to prepare me for the woman He has for my future. While I'm ultimately not sure, I get the impression that it's coming soon. All these struggling failed relationships and marriages aren't coming my way without a purpose. By God's grace I can still say through the uncertainties and challenges I will face, that I still want someone whom I can love as Christ loved the Church. The Bible says a wife is a good thing and from the Lord. It says she is a man's reward for all his labor under the sun. So I patiently keep my eyes open for where the Lord may be working yet with contented prayer.

There's so much more to say, but bedtime is approaching. I worked an overnight shift last night and go in at 5am tomorrow morning. Gotta preserve the energy. This summer I can say I feel more like a pastor than I've ever felt before. God is preparing me and through all the challenges, this is an exciting time. Lord, what do you have for me in the days ahead? Grant me the grace, strength, and humility to receive it and use it to give You more glory.