As this week nears its end and Sunday is here I find it hard to concentrate as I prepare to preach my Senior Seminar sermon for our class in preparation for the Jury in May. I've been talking to God about it and asking for His grace and help as I prepare. There's this constant feeling of inadequacy that's hard to tell how much is healthy humility and how much is senseless worrying. Either way it brings the dependence on the Spirit I know that I need. I preached in church this morning as part of internship. I preached on Romans 8:12-17 and spiritual adoption. I got only positive comments. One man even spoke of how he didn't have a good father and it was encouraging to be reminded of God as Father in such an intimate way. I'm glad the Lord blessed it. Yet now I sit at my desk in this dorm room and continue to struggle with this jury sermon that I must preach for class Tuesday morning without notes. I've done the exegesis. I know the main point. But how to apply it... I'm struggling. I need a miracle from God if I am to do this and do it well by Tuesday. I've ignored some homework assignments this week and some reading, but it's all been calculated. The question is... has it been worth it? This week has been a challenge. This half of the semester has been a challenge. I've reconnected with my old friend Personal Discipline as he relates to working out. He's been on vacation for some time... it's been a healthy reunion. I can happily say I've maintained at least a 1 hr. workout for 4-6 days per week since returning from Spring Break. At some point I saw all the snacks in my room then looked at my belly and realized something had to change. It's been nice to see results so soon. I'm actually losing weight and building muscle!
As I left the Solheim Center the other day having finished my workout I walked past the handful of yellow flowers (guys don't know flower varieties) behind the stone benches of the entrance and smelled them only for a second. I decided to sit down and think more about the things that have been on my mind for so long now. I wondered where I would be this time next year. I wondered what God has been teaching me and preparing me for specifically. I have no idea what could happen between now and my December graduation... maybe something great, maybe nothing new..? I know I'm called to pastor, but in what capacity and where I'm still not sure. I got to speak with a rep. from Master's Seminary that came to campus the other day. I was pleased with his perspective as I shared with him how I was uncomfortable with the emphasis on preaching aesthetics and delivery here at school. While a good case is made for using rhetorical devices (The Holy Spirit uses them in Scripture) and paying attention to preaching methodology and delivery (it seems to have been included equally with other elements in preaching history)... I wonder if the emphasis is more reactionary than balanced in its' product. The Master's rep said their philosophy is more that the excitement should come more from the exegesis and study of the text than the things we add to it. He said they don't teach a different way of preaching different genres of Scripture, but merely emphasize the study of the particular genres. I must say I have been influenced some by the attention to treating biblical genres in certain ways here. I see some validity in that. I have however noticed a certain forced performance in how a sermon manuscript is handled under the requirements we have. I wonder if our use of language would be better as it comes out naturally and not by our being over-intentional about it. Anyway, I'll have to work these issues out as I write my preaching philosophy paper. The Master's guy agreed it would be good for me to take the Spring semester off before going to seminary. I've been in school for so long. I'm tired. I'm also beginning to wonder if God may want me to go into life, family, and ministry sooner than seminary.
On the family note I believe God has taught me some interesting lessons in the past week or so. As the Lord continues to prepare me for my future as that relates to a wife and family I believe He's given me all kinds of little tests and reminders to essentially ask, "Are you sure this is what you want?" Recently I've been reminded in a very real-life way that marriage won't be easy. Things you may have missed beforehand and perhaps never expected can creep up. You can try your best to solve problems beforehand and it still not be enough. Conflict will happen. Problems will come. Arguments will work their way into the relationship. These things happen before marriage too of course. Perhaps my 3 years of single life has caused me to forget some of the challenges relationships bring. Maybe it's been in God's grace too that He has grown me in other areas before this reminder. He has the right timing though. This week I've had to ask myself the question of if this is really what I want... and I find my desire growing all the more to be willing to sacrifice my needs, preferences, schedule, efficiency, and life plans for my wife. I can almost feel a buried yearning to minister to her special needs (health, allergies, emotional struggles, temptations, fears) and do so knowing that I would be loving my wife as Christ loved the Church.
I begin climbing out of this week with an affirmative, "Yes, Lord. I want someone to love as your Son loved the Church. I want the pain and problems. I want the challenges I don't yet know about, because when they come I can look to You because they were already decreed before the foundation of the world. They didn't surprise You, God. And I know you'll provide the necessary strength and wisdom to persevere." I've also learned another lesson in sovereignty. It doesn't matter how godly you are or think you are. It doesn't matter how well others may speak of you. It doesn't matter how long you've waited or how strong a desire you have... if God isn't in it, it won't go anywhere. The same is true for the opposite. It doesn't matter how bad you think you are or how unprepared for marriage you think you are or how long you've been single and lonely... God can and does work despite us. God works despite our perceived abilities or lack there of. You may be asking, "Lord, what is so wrong with me that I am rejected so often? You know my heart for You! You know I would treat my spouse honorably!" Or you may declare with depressing finality, "Lord, no one will want me! I can't be the husband/wife that would be worth anything to anyone." Either way... the question is about what God is or isn't doing. He does all things to get all the glory and the timing is perfect.
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