My Testimony

I grew up with one parent who had a Roman Catholic background and the other with a Lutheran background. I was baptized Lutheran as a baby. My parents never practiced anything actively and only went to church when we visited my grandparents in Kansas on Christmas. No one in my immediate family nor very likely my extended family is saved. I began journaling at age 13 and still own most of those journals. At that age I decided I was an Atheist because of all the emotional pain in my life. Most of my early childhood I exhibited signs of what I now believe was bipolar depression. This was probably inherited from my mother. I mocked God for years in my supposed intellectual Atheistic freedom. A friend and I would blaspheme the name of God for fun when we knew Christians were in the same room. Where the rubber met the road however I found myself in secret crying out to God to show Himself in my moments of pain. If He existed I hated Him. The problem was that He had already shown Himself so many years ago and even gave us an extensive record of it.

At around 16 yrs. old I met a girl who was and probably still is a cultural Christian, but not a true believer. I began an immoral relationship with her that went on and off for about 4 years. I was what people would now call a "goth." My life was defined by my hobbies, Metallica, Marilyn Manson, etc. Somewhere in that time I took a step to believe in a god. My reason was that it at least would stop the Christians I knew from getting emotional and arguing with me so angrily, but for the degree of hardness that was in my heart this decision could only really have been motivated by the supernatural drawing of the Holy Spirit. I began attending church with her and FOR her. At about age 18 I came to a point where I understood the facts of the gospel and prayed to receive Christ. This was followed by a worthless baptism and a mere outward attempt at morally reforming my life. I called myself a Christian and wore the proper name tag for months without ever having a divine change of heart and true regeneration.

One morning I believe I attended church alone and the pastor said something God used to demolish my fake faith. The pastor said, "Jesus' message is this: 'If you follow me, I'll take care of you. If you follow yourself or someone else... you're on your own.'" The Lord used those words to show me that maybe I was still on my own. Not long afterward was a period of roughly 2 weeks where I cried out to God in true repentance toward Him. My mind AND heart had changed so much so that I turned away from my faith in myself, the sins I so loved, and toward faith in Christ alone. The defining moment when I had assurance of salvation was when my sin weighed so heavily upon me that I had the same feeling as the feeling you have when you have hurt the person you love the most. I hurt the Lord with my sin and I knew it. I literally trashed or sold all kinds of junk in my life that defined me... who I WAS, but who I now was not. God put a desire in me to soak up His Word and I attended as many Bible studies as possible.

I eventually ended that relationship. God used my greatest idol (infatuation and a false concept of love) to bridge the gap between He and myself. Within the next few years God put a burden on me to lead His people despite my overwhelming introversion and gave me the desire to see others grow in their faith. I am 24 now. Within the past few years God has healed me of my bipolar depression and shown me that I have an Advocate in Jesus Christ as I struggle in the Christian life. I applied to Moody and got in on the first try. The Lord has provided miraculously to keep me here and I can only be grateful and pray that I glorify Him first in all that's written here and all to come. My family is still walking in darkness and headed for the lake of fire and I take every opportunity to share te gospel clearly with them and answer their questions.

May God be glorified in your reading of this and may the many "I's" and "me's" in the paragraphs above be overtaken by the work of Christ displayed in them!

Familiar Thoughts

Working with Tom Thumb/Safeway/Dominick's for a number of years one of the main things that was beaten into my head was customer service. One of the primary features of this is to greet every customer within hearing distance. We actually can get "talked to" if we miss greeting a customer. I remember a few times that I greeted an older gentleman as he came through the department. Very often people answer a greeting with "fine, doing well, great, good" and the like. This man wanted to shake things up. He wanted to have a little fun with people who greeted him. His standard answer was "terrible!" with a smile. I liked that man. It occurred to me today that my Melancholy comes out even when I'm asked, "How are you?" My standard answer is "not too bad." Saying that looks similar to "I'm doing bad, but not that bad." So my tentative goal is to use words that are honest, yet a bit more positive and reflective of what I'm really trying to communicate....lol. 

I just got back from a rap concert on campus put on by students here at Moody. I continue to be amazed at how God uses people and culture to bring glory to Himself. Since the DVD is only $5 I'm planning to pick one up and show friends back home. When the Bible and rap come together awesome things happen. I can see why Paul Washer speaks at many Christian rap concerts supporting those like Ambassador, Cross Movement, Lecrae, 116 Clique, and others. I was reminded of who I am tonight at this concert though...lol. I'm just not the type to sway, bounce, and wave my arm to the music. I think I identify with John Piper who was once compared to Mark Driscoll in a panel discussion. Driscoll is said to go to comedy clubs and I think when Piper was asked why he doesn't go to things like that his reply echoed my heart at its core. He said, "John Piper is weak." Such a conscience (while not always) is commonly attached to those who are more reserved and bookwormish. Maybe I made that connection more easily in my head than in writing... hopefully you see somewhat where I'm going. My point is that personalities can be telling in certain circumstances. Speaking of Piper I hear an interview recently with he and Mark Dever about his calling to the pastorate. Piper actually went from a professor at a Bible college to a pastor when it usually goes the opposite direction. He fundamentally said God made it impossible in his own heart for him to remain a professor. It was a wonderful little 6 minute story.

God is so good. As I returned back from Spring Break weeks ago I was told that my Chicago job couldn't afford to take me back and that I should look elsewhere. So I've been out of work and trying to focus on my studies a bit more and attend school events. I've applied to a few jobs for next semester, but it doesn't seem promising to find a job that will let me leave for summer in about 6 weeks and then come back. So I've been trying to trust God. He has paid for the rest of my semester, the summer classes, and all of next semester. Beyond that, our house sold back home and my dad will now be able to continue helping me pay for school. I really hope those numbers are not where my confidence is found. Lord I must look only to you!

As I try to keep so many of those I know in prayer I continue to pray for my future wife. The Lord has been humbling me lately in revealing my own inadequacy and my continued need for His divine intervention and ordering of circumstances. If it was up to me I would ruin everything...lol. I can hardly have a meaningful friendship with a woman, who knows what would happen if I actually fell for one at this stage in my life. With His help I've been able to guard my heart appropriately and hopefully be an encouragement and a sober mind to the few sisters I know. Through all this I'm reminded (with a half smile) of all those times growing up that I could easily build friendships and be there for the women in my daily life when they needed to talk, but the curse of the hopeless romantic basketcase is that the answer to his heart's desire remains in the unknown. For the Christian this unknown is not unknown, but in the capable hands of a sovereign God. While I love ministering to my sisters in Christ a chunk of me continues looking into the heavens with one eye and wondering, "when will it be my turn, Lord?" I enjoy the song, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller from the movie, Fireproof. Like the song says I will worship and take every step in obedience... I will serve Him.... while I'm waiting. There's little point in spending too much time being concerned with something God has not chosen to do yet.