God has taught me much this semester already. It's hard to believe some students are already studying for midterm exams. Recently a friend was stopped as they realized they've been here at school for nearly a year already. God has shown me my heart in more ways than one. It's said of the missionary David Brainerd that he was so depressed and so discouraged that his flesh came out to the point that his "self-pre-occupation was so intense that his Indian charges and their problems figured as little more than intrusions." In other words, those who he was ministering to became more of an annoyance than anything else. God has shown me here that my brothers and sisters around me have become the same way way... particularly when I'v been overwhlemed. God has so convicted me of that in these few short months. My roommate has asked for accountability, friendships are not what they were, and my mental noise would sometimes be dangerous if spoken aloud. The Lord is good however and gracious.
Classes are going as well as they can I suppose, but never to my desire. The jury is still out on whether or not all the work I did over the summer and in the first two weeks of the semester was really worth the burnout it caused. Things seem to be hit and miss. Much of my is spent on greek only for the majority of my grades to return quite low. It's not easy to remind myself that grades aren't everything. I WANT to be effective in future ministry and do well in school. I'm confident in my Greek exam grade though... whenever the prof is able to grade it. The preaching class from here out will be nothing but students preaching and us evaluating. I've made plans to open up some room the two weeks prior to my sermon to work hard on it. We'll see what happens however. Next week is Missions Conference. I've outlined which sessions most interest me. As I continue to consider how exactly god may desire to use me in future ministry, I've come to a realization of sorts. My personality is not prone to like new environments and change. Nor is it easy for me to reserve judgment on different ways of doing things. These two factors would require a major heart change and very specific growth for me to consider a future in Pastoral Missions as I was praying about not long ago. Bearing that in mind, at this moment I'm leaving that to God and have chosen to lean more toward local Pastoral work as I believe I was originally led to do.
One of the clearest affirmations in this direction came as a fellow student in my practical ministry preaching at the retirement home said to me, "I could see you pastoring a church. I don't know that I could've said that at the beginning of last semester." I struggle to remain faithful to God in ways. I struggle with my thoughts in all directions. I struggle with trusting Him sacrificially. It's difficult to step off the cliff of life into the chasm of God's sovereignty. I remember now however it's each time I have done that... that God has really moved in tangible and clear ways. We had a seminary fair here yesterday where about 40 schools were represented. As I considered what they offered and spoke to many of them, I'm looking at an M.A. in Biblical Counseling. Why? Because if I'm able through my experience here to accurately handle the Word of God, another major element I'll need is to be able to shepherd those God places under me. These will be real people with real needs and real hurts that at present I can't say I'm able to confidently address. I want to be a pastor who can fulfill the full sense of "pastor" to God's people. I want to see people grow.
Evangelism has been short here but as often as I can. The 3rd Season of Way of The Master came in the mail Monday and I'm holding a viewing night for the first two episodes tomorrow at 9pm. I'll be praying God uses it to plant seeds for active and intentional evangelism on this campus. Is revival too much to ask for? Last night we had a security guard tell us we needed a permit to preach on the sidewalk in front of a mall. He said the city passed an ordinance that could lead to a $500 fine. I told him the police officers on the horses didn't seem to have a problem with us... he said they and the ones on foot were different. I was laughing rather hard inside... only to later find out that two them walked in front of us in the middle of my preaching. We ignored him and God was good to us with no further disruptions.
Work has been alright. I'm in the transition period. This week I decided to take it easy. I've worked one day catering and next day to work is Saturday. It turns out I accidentially bought a woman's tuxedo jacket. Needless to say, I have the right one now. I can't call to ask for more days until Monday. But it's Missions conference next week... do I want any more days?
Honest thoughts:
God is good, but I face the daily struggle as to if I'm really giving Him my best. Am I giving those around me my best? What will come of this impending financial crisis on our country? How will that affect the financial stability of Moody and my father's financial support?
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