Fresh Thoughts

Usually when I speak quickly... I insert my foot even faster. Taking that risk, I write now... the thoughts must come out and be prayed over. We just finished our Studying and Teaching the Bible class session where my group taught. I thank the Lord people aren't in my head so often. I overanalyze, I worry, I criticize, I play more scenerios in my head in 20 minutes than moviemakers probably could come up with in a year. This is my struggle. I think too much. In my head I so wrongly beat myself up and become discouraged. My mind says, "I know my heart is beyond what I just said. I know the fire is boiling beyond the words I just said. I know my relationship with You Lord. I know what we have and what You've shown and taught me. I know how You've grown me. I can do better than this. Where's the disconnect, Lord? Where's the barrier so I can be done with this and move on to more effective growth and ability in communicating Your Word?"

I know He may have other purposes for this. I also know as a principle "His ways are not our ways." All my life I've struggled to get it out. My life is a pattern of almosts. My introversion I feel so often has plagued me and perhaps those I've led and taught in the Word. I get so discouraged inside. Often as I am seeing today... that discouragement is not warranted. However, it's still real. Real enough for me to admit it to you. I freely admit I am a Biblical Exposition major who struggles greatly in confidence while doing what I'm here to do.

In typing these words the Spirit reminds me of those who have gone before me... from this wonderful school and beyond. I'm reminded of Tony Evans who is terrified to speak with people because of his introversion and yet preaches with the undeniable anointing power of the Holy Spirit. I'm reminded of John Wesley who when he preached barely lifted his arm while his co-hort George Whitefield preached with his entire body. I'm reminded of the fact that my confidence should never be in my own "abilities," but in God's calling, God's Word, and God Himself. Where is my confidence? Hopefully not in me! Hopefully not in other people's opinions!

Paul didn't come with excellency of speech or clever words of wisdom, yet few would argue the power his preaching. I praise God. I praise Him. I have 5 more preaching classes and a Homiletical Jury to preach before until I graduate. I have a long way to go... who am I if I get discouraged in the core class and haven't even reached the actual preaching classes?