Internal Revival, Open and Honest

"Preaching makes me well; As soon as I open my mouth to speak, my weariness is forgotten."
-Chrysostom


This afternoon I was reading one of my textbooks for the class I'm taking that is most directed toward my major. The book is called "The Company of The Preachers" By David Larsen. This chapter spoke of some of the early church fathers ending with Augustine. I chose to study in library for the first time and it was refreshingly quiet. I spent a couple hours reading with a brief nap at the beginning. As I neared the end of the chapter, I had a kind of renewal of the reason and passion for why I'm here. I'm probably clearer headed right now than I have been since I've moved in here. It was as if God worked in the quiet (as he often does for me) to spark a small revival in my heart and mind. The Spirit cut through the anxious worrying perspective I've battled with since I've been here and reminded me of who I am in Christ and who I've been called to be in this lifetime.

I've yet to preach since I've been here and as a guy on my floor so rightly suggested... I have "the itch." That compulsion to preach that can only be satisfied by indulgence in such a practice that is a good thing to call a habit or obsession in light of the calling and commission. I simply have a burden to preach. I've been looking through Adrian Rogers' biography and I didn't know he spent some time street preaching... standing on a bench, no less. This Sunday I get to teach God's Word and am excited to do so, yet I struggle with a feeling of inadequacy. I'm blown away by the things I can learn while here and I want to be the most effective as I handle God's holy Word. I don't want to misinterpret or miss even one kernal of truth in one verse. However I ultimately face the fact that God's Word is and always will be living and active and I will always be constantly learning from it as I pursue my future in ministry. I'm reminded that good decisions are VERY often made by bad decisions and accuracy is often molded by mistakes that teach us. I suppose my task is to humbly submit to the fact that God will sanctify me in His good timing. It's not an easy thing however to just use what you know and let God do the rest. It's all in attitude. I'm certainly teachable, but I worry about how the correction will come. May the Lord calm my spirit in this.

Oh how I wish I would be able to better be a brother to my brothers and sisters here... God constantly reminds me of how fragile I can be... all the emotional turmoil... all the concientiousness and introspective noise... the mroe I think about it, the more I'm amazed at the fact that God saved ME!!! Furthermore, how can God use ME for ministry? We talked about this in a class recently here... even through all this, I give Him glory... but do I praise him enough? What a blessing I have been given! There have been days here when I forget the supernatural way God brought me here. I've heard many stories form other students that also miraculous... one of whom was given $4,000 just to go here! God is good! Wednesday we had a worship chapel with nothing but worship for 45 minutes. It felt like 15 minutes. Thursday the speaker couldn't make it and it became the same. If onyl I could play piano or guitar or something... I would worship God in that way ever day.

Last night my roommate told me that I often talk in my sleep. He and his friend said it could be because I have a lot on my mind. that makes me wonder if I did that at home... I seem to always have a lot on my mind. Some of the things that are on my mind at the moment are 1. Trusting God for income (I've applied to campus security) 2. Staying focused (inwardly) 3. Remaining humble 4. Encouraging/showing grace toward my roommate 5. Building friendships that will last (male ones and... no-pressure female ones) 6. Getting enough sleep/Staying awake in classes 7. Will I prepare enough to teach on Sundays each week? 8. Will I have to fork out a bunch of money for a doctor's visit Tuesday? 9. What do the people around me think of me? (This one is so stupid, yet a struggle)

Well... I wonder if I should go and preach tonight by myself... that might be fun.