I got a good grade on my Midterm in the Discipleship class last week. I haven't even begun studying for the upcoming one this Monday. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my brain lately and I felt I needed to pause my studying to write and pour it out. I've been doing a lot of reflecting... where has God brought me? what has God taught me? When have I sought Him? Where will He bring me? I've been struggling with a number of things recently... lustful thoughts and haunting memories, bodyache from work (I feel like I'm 50 or something), and even a bit of "Lord, when will I meet my wife?" Blues. I spoke at a CSM meeting yesterday. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't highly annoyed (internally anyway) at having the schedule change some. Maybe there's something observable to this sanctification thing afterall. As I saw new faces it struck me that God used me to play a part in a ministry that looks like it will continue to survive. I'm blessed to have ministered to people... whether I was a good or at times a bad example. Hopefully they've learned something from my service.
We're a week away from Moody sending out acceptance letters. Every time someone says Chicago or asks about it, an excitement chill runs through me. It's exciting in many ways, but may His will be done in that and all things of life. Because I'm so sentimental... if I'm accepted, I'm considering having a goodbye dinner or something. It wouldn't be for people to say goodbye to me (while they sure could), but for me to say bye to them. I'm still wrestling with whether or not there's pride in throwing a party because I'm leaving...? IF... I'm leaving.
Construction is coming along well at work. Things are taking shape and the mgr. and I seem to be maintaining it and catching up. I heard the other store in the same situation looks terrible by comparison. Our Store Director said she felt good knowing we we had our department looking better under similar conditions than our partners down the street. I guess that's good considering how slow I think I've been. It's taken a toll on my body though. yesterday I felt so exhausted and thoroughly drained. I ended up having to stop studying so i could go to bed and save strength to come in at 5am today.
Morgan and I seem to be on speaking terms again. It looks like she's feeling better about a friendship. It's comforting for me because it's felt like a Matthew 5:23-24 situation for months. It's not pleasant being out of fellowship with a believer when you can see no overriding reason there should be a wall. Without the fruit of the Lord's patience, I am certain bitterness would have grown its weeds tall in my heart and mind. I can confidently say I hold no bad feelings and continue to submit my occasional requests to God that He further sanctifies Morgan's steps, protects her, and prepares her for the husband He has in mind. Though all this is wonderful and I praise God for it, it might have created an adverse effect on me. While this is a joyous probation of reconciliation, it has reminded me that I still do not know whom the Lord will have for me to take as a wife. Every now and then I pray for her, whomever she is. I've focusing so much on my studies I've had little time to be stirred by "who will I marry?"
It's not a question I'm planning on or possibly prepared to seek an answer for in the near future and the surely Lord knows what He's doing... that alone is enough for me lay any burden of this at His feet. I pray that it passes soon. I have too much to be concerned with at the moment.
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