My Calvinism is apparent more and more these days. But maybe Calvinism is the wrong word... maybe the characteristic of God called "sovereignty" is better, yes... sovereignty.
While I don't have the time today to write about all that's happened in my life recently, I can't help but see the sovereignty of God so clearly in all of that. The Lord has brought me a wonderful woman in a way that defies logic, conservative Christian expectations, the dating culture, and my own imagination. It was her and I's final semester at Moody Bible Institute. She'd been away for a semester or two studying in Israel. We met at the Senior Retreat the beginning of that semester (during the time she was praying about another guy). Neither of us expected to develop real friendships with that Senior class. We were the 2010 class, not the 2011 class. We talked a bit over that weekend, went for a walk to the bonfire for S'mores with the rest of the group, and had cappuccino in the retreat cafeteria one night. It was dinner time and we talked to the point that everyone else had left the large cafeteria and it was quiet... except for us two talking. Covered a wide range of subjects in that conversation. I told her how much it bugged me that in our American dating culture when you have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex for 30 minutes or more... people throw up red flags and think you like them. Though as I said this... I admit that I felt like quite the hypocrite. For some reason I couldn't explain, I found myself thinking about her often after we returned to campus. When she told me God closed the door on the other guy, I began thinking about pursuing her. We talked on facebook a bit, exchanged numbers (with the help of my meddling roommate... to whom I am now thankful!), and began sitting together at Missions Conference a couple times. We went out for coffee a couple times to talk about the possibility of being more than friends. The whole time I'm shocked that all this happening (why is she responding to what I'm doing?! Girls don't do this!! They usually decide beforehand, don't they?! They don't give us an objective chance!!) We had coffee the first time and she told me no. I suggested a negotiation that brought us to coffee again. I didn't want her to slip away that easily! She said she'd think about it and a couple days later returned with another "no." Shortly after this we began studying together as friends a few days a week. She sat with my roommate and I in chapel and we hung out or talked nearly every day until the end of the semester. My head was spinning with "why," but was I going to refuse her company? Of course not! We talked about personality types. I helped her look through the doctrinal statement of a church she was thinking joining back home in NY. We talked about a cover letter she was writing to apply for a job back home after she graduated. There was even a day when I was sick and she knew I was sick and then she asked... "So you wouldn't want to go ice skating tonight then with my roommate and another guy from our brother floor?" Was I going to say no? I'd been ice skating once in my life, but did that matter? I did alright though... and her, her roommate, and I had coffee afterward. It was a memorable night.
My roommate and I walked her to the train at the end of the semester as we both finished our time at Moody, though there was no graduation ceremony for December graduates. It was a hard goodbye for me that night. Spent some time with the Lord in the Culby 2 prayer chapel. What was going on I wondered? Am I obsessed as some would probably label me? After all God had shown me in the past year or so at school... after how He helped me to finally purge the idolatry of romance... why was this so hard? After we each got home we soon continued talking again through text, email, or skype every day. Up until this point we had just grown to be good friends, but I was still thinking about her a lot. I then told her one day that I would need some space because it was getting hard for me. We didn't speak for 2 weeks and she was house sitting for her pastor during that time. She went back to God in prayer about me during that silence. When God helped me to accept the fact that it may not ever be more than friends, I reopened communication. Somewhere around this time she again said she didn't see us being together and essentially gave me another "no." From this point on she began really thinking about me a lot more. We continued talking regularly, skyping for 2-3 hours at a time, sometimes studying and discussing Scripture together.
It came to a point where I couldn't maintain so much communication if we were just friends. I still liked her a lot (and she was beginning to like me), but we were talking so much that we were saying good morning and goodnight and I just couldn't invest emotionally that much in 3 "no's.". She asked for a couple days to pray about the possibility of us again. She came back with another no (that made 4 no's) and asked for some space herself. We didn't talk for a week. We then exchanged some pretty honest emails and a phone call about how we felt, all that was going through our minds, and how things had been going. I encouraged and challenged her about a few things we'd talked about that she was wrestling with. She began wondering again if she was wrong about God showing her it was a No. This whole time her focus was on the will of God. What was God showing her and how was He leading her? She wrestled with things, but ultimately wanted God's will first. We both were praying for each other constantly through all of this and spoke freely about everything, yet she just wasn't sure if she was ready to agree to a relationship. I told her to take her time, not to be rushed into a decision or to feel she had to decide by May of this year when we would both return to Chicago for the formal graduation ceremony when we would see each other again and I'd meet her family.
It all culminated in one night shortly after that. We skyped for a couple hours and talked about Mr. Naaman the Leper. You see her pastor preached in this story in 2 Kings 5:1-14 recently. Naaman was asked to dip in the Jordan 7 times to cure his leprosy, but to him this was crazy and illogical. It also wasn't the way Naaman EXPECTED to be healed. God often works outside of our desires, preferences, and expectations doesn't He? And He also asks us to take steps of faith that seem illogical to the human mind doesn't He? She was wondering if God was asking the same of her when it came to being with me. We got offline, and at about 12:30 her time that night she called me to tell me she's done fighting God. She said He had been showing her all kinds of things that she hadn't told me about that pointed her to me and she couldn't ignore them any longer. She then told me yes and agreed to take the step into a relationship. I spoke to her father and he gave his blessing on the relationship, though it would be LONG distance. I continue to chat with her family and look forward to graduation a few weeks away from now.
Oh and did I mention that a church in Albuquerque, NM is flying me out next week to interview to be their Senior Pastor? They've narrowed their one year search down to myself and one other guy. We'll see what God does. I want His will more than anything else. God is good and I'm glad He's working all this because I've proven that if it's of me it will mess up every... single... time.
