As usual when I write, the week is staring at me like Chicago's Hancock building tipping in to grace me with a flattening hug of concrete and glass as I find my feet magnetized to the pavement of its' shadow. Nonetheless I feel the need to write. Too much has happened for me to contain myself any longer. Before I get to that though, I really enjoyed Spring Break. It was... full. I worked about 36 hours the first week and 38 the second. By God's grace I was able to preach in Southlake Town Square with a few fellow laborers I hadn't seen in awhile and even once Friday night in Capp Smith Park near my house before flying back up here to Chicago. wrote 2 small papers, did some Greek reading, started on some Greek homework assignments for the early part of this week, and finished most of a textbook I'd hoped to read. If I weren't so goal-oriented and acheivement-driven I could easily sink into a LA-Z-BOY and with a glass of orange juice and a TV remote beginning to reflect the name of the chair in which I sat.
I tried to spend the first week focusing on homework and the second meeting with people. I pretty much stuck to that. My mom unexpectedly invited my dad and I to one of my sister's Tennis tournaments (which I didn't know about until the day of) and we got to go see her (got photos and youtube videos). It was great to be there for her first game wins and I'm glad I forsook homework to do that. I took her out to her eat afterward (her idea lol) just the two of us... that was nice too. I got to share a meal or have coffee with about 6 of the 8 people I wanted to meet with the second week. Had a good discussion with my pastor to update him on the things going on in my life lately. It was encouraging to hear how God had frustrated his "plan" for life and ministry in His own Sovereign way. It's good to plan, while always tentatively. That's not easy for me! I want to see A to Z and beyond neatly organized in a spiral notebook with every diversion to plan for. Thank God He is patient with our often humorous attempts at "control!"
I also got to meet with a friend I've been witnessing to for a few years. It's refreshing to have someone still be willing to talk with you and ask questions even after you've shared the reality and severity of sin and hell so clearly. See! I'm not entirely opposed to relational evangelism! But the message was shared up front and the relationship followed and has followed gracefully praise God. I got see my friend (known from elementary school) and his new motorcycle, while I sadly wasn't able to ride it. Got to spend tiem with a friend from community college and talk about the favorite topic of male/female conversation... LOVE...lol. I got to have dinner with a Produce manager I met over CHRISTmas break who is a believer. I need to keep his family in prayer. They aren't believers. I got to have dinner with my mom and sister at a burger place on the bad side of town that hold a history in our family. I got to go look at a house with my best friend and his wife as they consider new living and career options. So break was good altogether. I enjoyed working again too. It's hard work, but it's good for me.
Now to an example of God's redemptive sanctification to which the glory belongs to Him alone... 1 Samuel 1:1-5 tells the story of the false God Dagon and a time when God's ark of the covenant was placed in mere proximity to it. When the the representation of the presence of God (in the case of this story) is compared to a false God, there is no comparison. Here's the account...
1Now the Philistines took the ark of God and (A)brought it from Ebenezer to (B)Ashdod. 2Then the Philistines took the ark of God and brought it to (C)the house of Dagon and set it by Dagon. 3When the Ashdodites arose early the next morning, behold, (D)Dagon had fallen on his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD So they took Dagon and (E)set him in his place again. 4But when they arose early the next morning, behold, (F)Dagon had fallen on his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD. And the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off on the threshold; only the trunk of Dagon was left to him. 5Therefore neither the priests of Dagon nor all who enter Dagon's house (G)tread on the threshold of Dagon in Ashdod to this day.
This story most reminded me of what has happened in my life as it especially pertains to the past year or two. God is in the business of opposing idolatry and dashing it to pieces in His own sarcastic ways. I was reminded in church today of how each of the plagues in Egypt was a smack in the face of a different god of the Egyptians. We remember when Elijah had his round with the prophets of Baal and the water was dumped on the wood of Yahweh's altar to add the extra spice of sarcastic clarity of who's God was the real one. We remember when Elijah asked the crazed prophets, "is your god sleeping?" God is in the business of opposing idolatry, but not merely opposing... but bringing restoration to the idol-worshipper who repents of His sin and places the Lord God back on the throne of their life.
I'm so thankful and even more appreciatiative of my God as of late. He has been patient with me and continually showered His mercy on me through the grace received in Christ as the only channel of my hope. I can now look back on my life and see a thread running through it. It's a thread of redemption surrounding the gradual death of my greatest sin... my greatest idol... romantic love.
I tell you I have grown in the Lord more than ever before in my Christian life this past year. I don't say that in some pre-packaged, well-marketed, highly-endorsed, 6 week Bible study DVD series kind of fashion that promises assembly line production of a sanctified Christian. This the growth that only the Holy Spirit of God can bring without manufactured promises. I write to all who may read that I hope you are encouraged... not so I will get the glory... please don't praise me. Please don't lift me up. Please don't feed my ego. If there is anything praiseworthy that you have learned or received from me, only imitate me in so far as I have imitated Christ. Praise Him because I am nothing without His sustaining hand.
As I consider this thread I travel way back to grade school. I can remember each and every face and name of whatever girl caught my eye and my immature heart. I remember the secret admirer notes I put in lockers, the introverted paralyzed attempts at hopeless conversation, and the inevitable rejection and reminder of my overweight predicament that kept depression looming over me. I remember how my understanding of "love" was only the fanned artificial flame of infatuation whether a girl liked me or not, whether she knew who I was or not. I remember how in my emotions I set myself up for failure each and every time. I had high hopes that were so high they crushed me. I was as Joshua Harris describes in his book, "Boy Meets Girl" a guy who was "in love with being in love."
When I found myself an Atheist at the age of 16 I met a girl on Yahoo Personals who went to church regularly. We got together and I eventually went to church for her, but for her only. There came a day as I attended this church that it hit me... I was to my confused dismay, still without Christ. I truly turned from my sin at that point and trusted in Christ. God used my idolatry of a human romantic relationship to draw me to Himself in salvation. He drew me to that church on that day to plant the seed of the gospel in my heart as it took root. The battle was not over however. I continued to struggle with this idol as we all continue to struggle with sin in the flesh. I found myself on and off with that young woman for 4 years. I didn't want to be without someone and tried every way I could to make it work, but I believe now that she never knew the Lord. I ended that relationship and it wasn't easy to do. It took a long time to face the guilt trip ramifications of what such a breakup would do to my emotions until God granted the grace and strength to end it. God did that and He alone. He used my greatest idol to save me and gave me strength to say no to it. This is milestone #1.
Flash forward to 2006... I begin my first Christian relationship in community college. I was then and still am now under the impression that traditional courtship is the most healthy context in which to do a relationship. I told myself I would do this. Not only does this approach treat the whole thing seriously with a direction and consideration of marriage in view, but it also involves a community of family and mutual friends to provide prayer and accountability objectively. We had the seriousness, we had the friends, yet I found myself still timid and afraid for some reason. I always felt I would somehow mess up royally with the family. The cost seemed so high with them... the implications of those relationships so heavy and rightly they were. So while I didn't actively avoid them... I didn't actively seek them out either. This caused confusion and speculation. Beyond this I hurt the young woman so badly emotionally that scars still remain on both sides. I learned a hard lesson about gentleness that I will never forget. I mention this because my fear of losing her and therefore losing love crippled any ability to see through the eyes of sovereignty and to love purely. I was too afraid I would mess up so I didn't rely on God for the necessary courage. I ignored the fact that if it was God's will He would work it out. I didn't spend enough time in prayer either.
Beyond this when the time came for Moody she said she would be cool if I went up to Chicago. Her security was in the right place. I couldn't even entertain the thought though. A long distance relationship would mean the possibility of a "Dear John Letter." It would be like one of those letter soldiers receive when their girlfriends back home say they've found someone new or don't think it will work out anymore... out of sight, out of mind. I didn't want to lose her... because she was my idol. Beyond this I even found myself questioning my own opinions and theological views (some of them needed to be questioned..lol) based merely on her opinions and views. As the relationship fell on hard times I would almost react to what she said and lean toward agreement simply for fear of losing her and thus losing love. I took online classes with Moody in anticipation of maintaining and sometime moving forward in that relationship. God wanted me at Moody and has provided for me and taught me much here. This is clear. He pulled the rug out from underneath that relationship and nothing then was stopping me from moving to Chicago. This is milestone #2. This one took God's direct intervention and discipline and it was not easy.
Next I come to about a year ago last Spring semester here at Moody. I began doing Greek homework with a friend in class. We met about 3 days a week for roughly 2 hours a time. I got to know her as we talked about guy-girl interactions and grew to be fairly good friends. Over tiem I got interested in her and retreated to almost daily prayer about the situation. I found myself praying for her, her ministry here on campus, and even her family and their itinerant ministry efforts. During this time something began to happen in my heart however. These past couple years I've grown tired and sick of the taboo, the drama, the assumptions, the needless scenerio-making in the analytical recesses of our minds, and the dating system that secular American culture had setup for us and especially how this system has been warmly welcomed into the Body of Christ as His children take their cues from TV sitcoms, movies, and their own fickle preferences. Proverbs 31 calls them "beauty and charm." I also grew so very sick of my own flesh and how my mind had bought into all this garbage. I got sick of trying whether passively or actively to make love work in my own pitiful efforts and clever horizontal earthly wasted moments of energy that I thought would bring tangible results. I got tired of human suggestions and human understanding.
This led me to pray as I'd never prayed before and sing to God in worship behind a closed door with music up so loud and voice raised so high that I'm sure my dorm neighbors lost some nap time more than once. I began to seek the Lord first about this woman. I was in so much prayer that attending classes felt like an intrusion. This was not obsession though mind you... it was a desire to spend time with the Lord and a constant expression of the fact that I just needed Him that much. After all the battle and heartache I wasn't about to waste my time and emotions once again. I wasn't about to keep going through the motions. I wanted God's will and God's direction and God first. In doing so, He granted me such a peace that it surpassed all understanding. I began to come back to the heart of worship and it was all about Him and not about my desire and certainly not about her. I sang, "Holy fire, burn away, my desire in anything that is not of You and is of me. I want more of You and less of me." I could sing those words and mean each and every one of them. This marked the beginning of God turning my heart back to Him. I began to seek the Lord first about whom He would have for me. This also marks the time when I could say I was entirely comfortable with rejection and I had to be because I was about to be given a solid "no".
She didn't give me any indication that she was interested in me. We talked often and got along well, but the fact remained that the guy had to be the one to put himself out there and initiate. So I decided I would do it. A decision is better than no decision. So I spend about 4 days in fasting and prayer. Water alone was my food. I wanted to make sure I was putting the Lord first. I wanted to make sure my perspective was right. The day came when homework was finished and she knew I had something...else to talk about. She knew what it was. I asked if she could see anything more than friendship and she kindly and graciously said she couldn't and that she'd been praying about a guy she'd known all her life. In fact they are now together. It wasn't the Lord's will for me. However I could even see then that my heart was somewhat divided. I refused to sing Chris Tomlin's "More Than Enough" because I didn't feel the song fully reflected my heart. "I want her," I reasoned. "Yes I want the Lord, but I'm seeking Him for her." My perspective was almost right, but not quite. I'd begun to put Him first but I still struggled with how much I wanted her and how much I wanted the Lord. From this I learned that God is in charge of even rejection and His sovereign hand opens and closes doors. I learned the value and importance of prayer and personal worship and my heart had begun to turn to the Lord on this matter. This is milestone #3.
In the past few months I find myself continuing to seek the Lord. My desire for who He would have for me has not left. I ask the same who, when, and how that many of us do. I began to shift even more though. My prayers have turned from, "Lord I want You AND her" or "I want You AS YOU PERTAIN TO her" to "I want You more than her." God impressed upon me the fact that I should love Him infinitely more than I love the woman who He has for me. I was asked to be the best man at a friend's wedding and I was to give a speech. Through a helpful resource book I came across 2 Corinthians 11:2-3, "For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin. But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ." While betrothal is a bit pre-marriage, the idea here is that Paul committed the Corinthians to Christ first and yet their minds were being led astray from a pure devotion to Him. I think one of the ways we do this is by loving eachother more than we love Christ. I desire to stand as I believe singer Keith Green did in his wedding vow and said to his wife, "May I never love you more than I love my Savior." That's something however that I need to practice even before I know who she is. I shared this passage at the wedding.
As I seek the Lord today I can say with full confidence, with every corner of my heart and mind, eyes wide open, uncertainties surrendered, apprehensions ignored, leaps of faith exciting me, and fears on the altar... that I want the Lord and His will MORE than I want the woman He has for me. I want it regardless of my desire. I want it regardless of my timeframe. I want it forsaking my plans. I want it laughing at my preferences. I want it through any amount of testing. I want it through any level of pain. I want the Lord's will. I want the Lord Himself. There was a time when I prayed, "Lord increase her desire for me because I simply can't trust my own emotions." Now I pray, "Lord increase her desire for You that as I and she seek You we may find eachother." So I can sing with joy in my heart and I can walk with a song in my step knowing that God is sovereign... not simply in the affairs of the rest of the world, not simply in salvation and other theological debates, but in my own life and future. Now it's personal. He knows my desire for the woman He has for me and the details are His. Yet I desire Him more and trust Him to do as He wills. The idol has fallen because the presence of the Lord has entered the room and things will NEVER be the same. This is reality #1.
