"Exalt the LORD our God and worship at His footstool; Holy is He." -Psalm 99:5
This summer I take summer classes here at Moody before heading home in mid-June. It's the first summer I've been here and will likely be the last for practical reasons. It's been enjoyable to take advantage of cheap books sales in the library, getting to sit in on Pastor's conference and hear John Piper and soon John MacArthur along with the free book giveaways that us minority of students are able to join in on. One of the biggest blessings has been the Lord's provision in my being able to stay with a friend from school. His family has been so hospitable and provided me with everything I'll need and more as they've catered to my eating preferences with all generosity and sincerity. Today however I have made a grievous error. This summer class I'm taking has kept me up rather late. I have little time to anything other than eat and read. I haven't even been able to set aside a reasonable prayer time these past couple days and am in fact sacrificing to write even this blog. This is something I must do however. As I have spoken of being sleepy in class because of how late I've stayed up I've joked of the "nap spirits" tempting me to take a nap. A few hours ago a tried to counter that joke with something positive in saying the "Holy coffee" helped me to stay awake for classes today. I then took it a step further and tried to make a closer connection as I changed it to the "holy coffee spirit."
My friend shortly afterward entered my room and kindly explained the offensive nature of my joke to him, his brother also in the room, and potentially his father. After he left the Lord really showed how I may have spat in the face of my friend with this statement and even worse... does this reflect the degree of my view of God Himself? I understand that we are more tolerant of humor today in Christian culture... especially in America. As I approach this topic I tell you that I look at it sensitively and not through the lens of legalism, but from the purest motives. I immediately am flashed back to a time when I made a joke about biblical interpretation with my ex-girlfriend in the car one day and how she verbally expressed her frustration with me at this. How high is my view of God? How high is your view of God? I ask myself and you whoever may read this. I am immediately reminded of the jokes that often hover the dorm hallways at my own Bible college, the interest in Mark Driscoll and his sense of humor, a joke I was told by a full time evangelist that eluded to profanity that he told precisely because he felt comfortable telling me (why was he comfortable?!?!), etc. I look at these things and am forced by the Holy Spirit to ask myself, "How high is my view of God?"
Over the past few years I have wrestled much with these things. What is appropriate to laugh at? What is appropriate to say? Maybe I'm still wrestling and maybe I can't give you a bullet pointed list of answers to these questions. I know for certain I don't have the time here and now to do so. I do however at least raise the question. How high did the apostles view God? How high did the psalmists view God? The language of Scripture is not there for quaint devotional reading and quotable paper weights on our desks at work. Imagine the multitudes spoken of in Revelation surrounding the throne in worship all in unison saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy." Are we saying that here? We often use "every knee will bow" evangelistically, but are our own knees bowed? Will we experience shame when we bow before the Lord in His holy dwelling place as we are reminded of all the times our words and thoughts didn't match what we where now doing? There was a time in my life where I would tell myself to lighten up if I read my own blog today. The closer I come to God however I can see that genuine worship must maintain a high view of God. Everyday life is worship. Are we kneeling at His footstool or trying to pull up our own comfortable chair and casually put up our own feet on the stool of the one who created them?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
An introvert's heart... to his own and to women who know them.
While I know I've mentioned this before, it's appropriate here. Some time ago I was reading the book of Genesis in the mornings and was brought encouragement in the familiar story of Lot and Sodom in Genesis 19. I set out to study this passage and prepare to teach it at a Sunday night service at my home church in Texas. My pastor has been encouraging me with opportunities like this in the church as I prepare for the ministry. It was a rough night for a number of reasons and I could've done so much better, but praise the Lord... at least I did it! It can be terrifying to teach the Bible to nearly a whole church in the pastor's living room when you're doing it from a chair with no pulpit! I later had the opportunity to redeem myself when my former PCM asked me to preach for them at the retirement home. I was able to re-work the sermon after having had a preaching class and praise the Lord that people thought it was good that time. While I'm tempted to give you the whole thing, I must refrain because I have much to share. My encouragement was found in Genesis 19:15-16,
"15When morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Up, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away in the punishment of the city."
16But he hesitated. So the men (N)seized his hand and the hand of his wife and the hands of his two daughters, for (O)the compassion of the LORD was upon him; and they brought him out, and put him outside the city."
Often people throw Lot under the bus becuase of his actions in this chapter and boy did he mess up... it's true. He surely didn't put the Lord first in this story and there was no excuse for offering his daughters to the angry sex-crazed mob outside his door. I do believe it's wrong however to read too far into Lot's motives and intentions. Often people will take every little leap they can to paint Lot in the worst possible way. In 2 Peter 2:4-9 we're reminded that Lot was a "righteous" man. In Luke 17:26-29 Lot is linked with Noah in a positive fashion. How else could God spare his life and remain just in his destruction of Sodom? How else could God remain true in his promise to Abraham to spare the righteous from that city? Beyond this, in 2 Peter we're given a glimpse into Lot's motives as we're told, "(for by what he saw and heard that (AA)righteous man, while living among them, felt his righteous soul tormented day after day by their lawless deeds)" (v.8). When God declares someone righteous they are righteous indeed! This gives us a clue to his responses back in Genesis 19. The angels told Lot to take his daughters and go! How does Scripture record his response? "but he hesitated." How did the Lord respond to his hesitation? God had "compassion" on him. The angels "seized" their hands and "put" them outside the city.
My heart was warmed at reading this. If we have no clear indication as to why he hesitated the best way to interpret this is from the only clue we are given to his motives... that they are those of a righteous man. I don't think Lot was admiring his earthly possessions in a materialistic fashion. I think Lot was asking the very same questions we'd be asking... "Lord, what about my daughters? They were pledged to be married and the men laughed at me when I said your angels were gonna destroy the city?! Lord, but how will we live if leave like this? Lord, what about this... that?" Lot was faced with a difficult decision and he froze. This is even more implied in God having compassion on him in this moment. For those of us who are prone to being timid and shy and introverted... we know there are times when our friends have had to give us a good kick to take a step out of our security to build a friendship, speak up on an issue we were passionate about, make a difficult decision, ask the person out/express our interest in them, etc. Sometimes this kick comes from God Himself as we take a leap of faith, say no to the tendency to overwork ourselves, as we take a step in a direction of ministry and perhaps close a door to one at the same time.
In these moments and before they even come (because I know they will) I have often prayed that God would show me "compassion." I pray that He would lead me when I am weak and carry me by His grace. But as I trust Him in that I also pray that He would break these chains of introverted bondage. I pray that He would alleviate my fear of man and his opinions. I pray that I would live as if the Lord is the only one watching. For me this means living in light of who God has sanctified me to be and not who my personality cages me into. Oh do I pray for this! My heart is not who I am on the outside. I want to be more real! My heart is one that desires to pray for others immediately when they ask unconcerned about the public eye (while discerning of course). My heart is one that desires to forsake my schedule for someone in need of counsel or encouragement. My heart is one that wants to be free to put homework down to help a friend with their sermon preparation. My heart is one that desires to sing out to the Lord in worship even if I can't hit the notes right. My heart wants to raise my hands in all sincerity as I seek the Lord in song and give Him due praise. My heart is one that loves people and continually prays that this love would grow in its outward expression. My heart is one that desires to be a shepherd, a gentleman, and a bearer of truth in whatever circumstance. These things are not easy. These past few weeks one of the things I've been seeking the Lord for is that He would break these chains. He has been gracious. He's allowed me to step outside myself and pay close attention to interpersonal relationships and friendly interaction. In preaching they say one of the worst things that can happen to you is becoming self-aware... that is to be in middle of the preaching event and actually realize what you are doing as you do it. After experiencing this enough I believe it's possible to make it work for you. This is especially the case when it comes to interpersonal relationships. If you can recognize that you are becoming self-aware, you must only accept what is useful about your thoughts and dismiss the rest. That is to dismiss all the paranoid concerns about what the other person is thinking of you. It's to dismiss the temptation to analyze when you should really be listening to the person you're spending time with. It's to dismiss the fears that you may fumble your words or miscommunicate. If these fears are overwhelming it would be better to pause, close your eyes, take a breath, and say something like, "I'm trying to put this into words" or "Can you hold on a second? I want to give you my full attention." Expressing yourself is better than risking misunderstanding. Doing this will allow you to be highly aware of what you're saying and perhaps communicate more effectively. This takes a lot of mental gymnastics that all has to happen in a flash, but I believe it's possible. It takes practice and failure. One could say it's becoming self-aware of being self-aware as it is happening.
I say all that to say God must be our first appeal in the struggle with timidity. Seek His help. We can only overcome things by the Spirit. Mental tactics are worth nothing if you don't have the strength to do them. Last night I went to a South Asian church service. The church was located in what is affectionately called the "Little India" of Chicago. Their ministry is primarily done in a Hindu and Muslim context. I was blessed by the genuine simplicity of these international Christians. They aren't getting caught up in church marketing techniques, mega-church business tactics, and all the frivolous things contemporary American Christianity has manufactured. It was an interesting experience for me on a number of levels. I didn't really know anyone there. My roommate didn't go and I took the trip on my own. The church filled about 16 of its 33 chairs in the congregation. It was thoroughly real. Out of all my appreciation with it however and even with the fact that it was my 2nd visit, it would quality as a new environment in my eyes.
As I can only share from my own experience, I would say that the more familiar and stable an environment is to me... the easier I can be myself. The more aware of the (1) environment I am the easier it is to function comfortably. This environment was loaded with another culture and I even went to dinner with them afterward to eat the food of the culture! My roommate prepared me a little, but I was very concerned about my actions and words so as to not offend the culture. Not only was the environment new, but the (2) people were new. While I had met a few of them they were essentially new. They were new personalities to examine. They were new living file cabinets of personal experiences to engage, interact with, and perhaps to learn from. They all had pasts and their own stories of how God had worked and molded them into who He has them today. The other Moody students that attended were all Missionary kids that lived life here through different lenses than my own American set of assumptions. More than the people, the (3) circumstances were new. I was there alone. I didn't know the area and had to take a walk to the restaurant (to which I didn't know the name). I could go on all day listing little particular things that entered my mind that I wasn't prepared for. My connection points were the fact that these were believers and we were of the same spiritual family, there were a few Americans that I could identify with, and that I was somewhat prepared for the evening by my roommate. Often when these factors come together in my introversion, it has taken an hour or more for me to readjust to a familiar environment, circumstances, and people. The Lord has been good in helping me to shorten that time frame more and more.
In class today I was telling a friend about my experience with this church last night and I told her that often in those moments I go into a form of autopilot. This means I can't think on my feet nearly as well or perhaps at all. I become detached from the situation and the rough knowledge and experience take over. Innovation, creativity, concentration, flow of thought, and decision-making all go out the window. These moments are not fun. Often I become angry at myself because I wanted to be a better help to someone or communicate effectively, but the chains of introversion remain until dissipation. My friend asked me, "how do you meet people then?" As I considered this question I would have to say if the proportion of these 3 external elements (mentioned above) sway more toward the familiar or toward certainty, I can handle meeting new people. This is an abundant frustration, but it is my thoughtful reality worked out.
All of this can be defined simply as a struggle with "uncertainty." I like knowing what's next. I like planning ahead. I don't like taking leaps of faith. I don't like relying on others. The honest truth is however that ministry is FULL of uncertainty. Last night a man I'd known for a few hours shared what God was showing Him and his struggle with it. He then looked at me, paused, and said, "So what's your counsel?" Imagine all of these things going on in someone's mind and then SURPRISE! Ministry moment! Do you see why I pray so hard? We have to pray.
Experience tells us that God can most be glorified when we take leaps of faith. In those times He is able to show off. He is able to provide in ways we never imagined. The more leaps we take the more leaps we're able to take. The more leaps we take in one area the more we can take in others. Take chances! Make the first move! Close your eyes and do it! Can I be honest? If you are an introvert and you want to build more friendships and do more for the Lord and take those opportunities we so often miss... ask yourself, "how sick of this am I really?" Life was not meant to be lived in a cage! We can't even legitimately seek the Lord's help in seriousness if we aren't willing to cooperate with Him and "do [the] good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I wouldn't have sought Him if I wasn't sick of myself... sick of holding back who I am and being concerned about what people think... sick of being too shy to express my interest in a woman. I am sick! Therefore I am now ready to ask the Lord for opportunities and open doors and to WALK through those doors. If we fail... at least we tried. If we fail again... who cares? If we fail again... it probably went better than the first time. If we can trust God for the help we have asked of Him then we can take those leaps and believe for His faithful sovereign hand.
A FEW WORDS TO WOMEN WITH INTROVERTED GUY FRIENDS:
1. Be wise about your friendliness and be willing to tone it down.
-I think I am right in saying that you want good friendships with your brothers in Christ. This hopefully includes the shy guys. Because we spend so much time thinking, we often have much to offer that people don't expect. We are often very deep, emotional, analytical, sensitive creatures. I LOVE getting to know what's going in the lives of my female friends. I LOVE to listen to their heart and their strong opinions. I LOVE helping to bridge communication gaps between the sexes and try to understand where they are coming from, share with them where we are coming from... and to do that in a no-nonsense way. All of this is not easy however. We have all kinds of reputation concerns, taboos, unspoken rules, and junk that can be so ridiculous at times. This is illustrated well in a time when I told a guy friend that a female friend of mine had been confiding in me (no, I didn't share what she said). His immediate question was wondering if we were becoming more than friends. Why does that question even come up?!?
This mindset can be easy for the introvert to fall into. It's not unusual for him to not have many friendships... especially with women. If he's shy on average it will only be amplified with a woman. Why? Because if he's single and desires to one day be married... he's probably been praying for that woman and anyone could be it, right? Even you! If you're too much yourself or too extroverted with him, it wouldn't be hard for him or take him long to be attracted to you. You see he's so shy that it's easier for him to interpret your care, concern, attention, and time spent as being interested in him. Why? Because he's absolutely terrified at the thought of doing what a guy is supposed to do: to pursue a woman. It takes much less work to contrive a string of situations together and connect dots that may not exist that can help him to build his own interest in you and come to a place where he KNOWS you are the one. This can all be done without your knowledge behind the scenes. If you simply want his friendship, be aware of this possibility from the beginning and order your steps wisely, choose your words wisely, and guard his heart. The best thing to do is to have a DTR up front. When you see the friendship becoming more than "hi...bye" in the hallways, put it all out on the table and discuss it as soon as reasonably possible. No one likes being hurt or hurting someone else. Forsake your apprehensions and just be out with it so it doesn't sneak up on you. As this is done however, don't make the guy feel weird. This is a delicate balance I know, but introverts can be more easily influenced than you think. Words and body language mean a lot. The worst thing you can do is to make it awkward. That's why the open communication is important. Keep the flow of communication open always. Pick your battles of course, but bring up stuff and talk through it while it's still relevant.
2. Remember they are real people.
-No one likes being a backup anything... or at least knowing they are one. It's not unusual for someone to be more comfortable being who they really are with a member of the opposite sex when they have no attraction to them. For ladies with introverted guys this can be dangerous. As conveyed above, if you're naturally extroverted... if you're the type to laugh with your whole body (if you know what I mean)... and you can do so without reservation because you have no interest in a guy, it may communicate exactly the opposite of what you feel. Be mindful of this. What can come with this though is a kind of security in going to the guy for counsel, to vent, or to relax. You can have this security because you don't think it will go anywhere. There's nothing wrong with that, but remember that he is a friend just like any other friend. He's not a friend that you'll only go to see at night like Nicodemus when he went to see Christ. He's a guy that you're free to say hi to in public even if he may hardly be able to say hi back. He's a guy that needs to see you as approachable and needs you to respond the same to him as anyone else regardless of his nervous body language, lack of eye contact, or whatever else. Don't put him in a another category, eliminate categories!
3. What if you are attracted to him?
-This is a hard place to be. While levels of introversion are different, pursuing a woman is scary for many guys. I've often struggled inside about when and how to pursue. My struggle and reasoning has been something like this: "How do I know to pursue if I don't know if it's mutual or not? I don't see any 'signs' (signs are a whole other discussion). I don't know how to pursue. What is too forward? What's a good time frame? I hope the friendship can remain unchanged if she's not interested." A friend said something very convicting to me as I thought about these things. He asked, "if the woman actively shows interest first, is she not initiating?" Ouch. Let the guy pursue you. Resist the temptation to flood his facebook wall with invitations to events and all the other things you ladies can do. If he is unwilling to take the leap the of faith to pursue you... imagine how hard it will be for him to lead in the relationship itself. Imagine how hard it will be for him as a husband... a father? This battle is his own.
Pray hard. Pray that if it's the Lord's will, that this guy's desire for you would well up in him so much that he must act. While I'm no expert, God has shown me that I must be the man he calls me to be. This is to be a man who can be "strong" and have "courage" and as I seek to be a pastor to be "one who manages his household well." These things can't be done if my introversion has such a hold on me that I can't even express my interest in a woman to begin with. This takes time, practice, and God's mercy. Thank the Lord for His mercy! On a side note as well... if you are confident that you're not attracted to the introverted guy and never will be (after all he's socially awkward at times and not your type anyway), you must remember the undeniable reality (as it applies of course!): You are both single and God is still sovereign. Be open to the Spirit's guidance... in whatever direction!
4. Encouragement never falls on deaf ears.
-Just as the Lord showed compassion to Lot through His angels, show compassion and be an encouragement to these guys. Encourage them to get out of their comfort zone. If you discern they can take it, it may even be helpful to "seize" them and "put" them in a situation that will help them grow. I hesitate in saying this however, because it's often not the case. I've lost count of times when my female friends have shoved me into a situation that only made me want to hide under a rock as my face turned red and I messed it up royally. Don't do this. It can destroy his confidence. I usually cave in just because she's a woman. Not sure how else to say that or explain it, but it's easier to say no to guys. Often ladies will have good intentions about this and they'll want their brothers in Christ to grow so they give the guy a nudge when it feels more like an 18-wheeler just pushed them onto a broadway stage to perform in front of thousands of paid customers. Most often the best thing to do is encourage and point out opportunities. I cannot stress enough that the majority of growth for an introvert has to come from Him taking his own leaps of faith. Encourage him to seek the Lord for the necessary courage.
This must be a personal thing. The relationship he has with his heavenly Father is where the strength will come from and that has to be done as he is alone with the Lord. He can be more free in his prayers, worship, and in the very motives of his heart best when he's alone before God. He needs to be unhindered by his introverted fears and worries that come when he's around other people. When you encourage his walk with the Lord in this area you will also take the focus off of yourself. The last thing many ladies would want is to have a prayer time with him about his struggles only for him to focus on their voice as they pray for him or for him to be romantically attracted to their spiritual maturity and willingness to pray. You wouldn't want to be his primary source of encouragement either because when failure comes he will go back to you. This can create a level of vulnerability and sensitivity that you may not want directed your way. This is pain and failure he needs to bring before the throne and wrestle with God about. Let him do that.
In Conclusion: God loves the timid and faint of heart. He has taught me so much in the past few years and especially the past few weeks. I hope it has helped you and will help someone in the future. As I grow the Lord is giving me a burden for the introverts among us. Is there a ministry for the introverted? Maybe there should be. This blog entry may have been a book to read in its length, but it's a testimony of God's grace and faithfulness and that's something that simply can't be short-changed.
"15When morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Up, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away in the punishment of the city."
16But he hesitated. So the men (N)seized his hand and the hand of his wife and the hands of his two daughters, for (O)the compassion of the LORD was upon him; and they brought him out, and put him outside the city."
Often people throw Lot under the bus becuase of his actions in this chapter and boy did he mess up... it's true. He surely didn't put the Lord first in this story and there was no excuse for offering his daughters to the angry sex-crazed mob outside his door. I do believe it's wrong however to read too far into Lot's motives and intentions. Often people will take every little leap they can to paint Lot in the worst possible way. In 2 Peter 2:4-9 we're reminded that Lot was a "righteous" man. In Luke 17:26-29 Lot is linked with Noah in a positive fashion. How else could God spare his life and remain just in his destruction of Sodom? How else could God remain true in his promise to Abraham to spare the righteous from that city? Beyond this, in 2 Peter we're given a glimpse into Lot's motives as we're told, "(for by what he saw and heard that (AA)righteous man, while living among them, felt his righteous soul tormented day after day by their lawless deeds)" (v.8). When God declares someone righteous they are righteous indeed! This gives us a clue to his responses back in Genesis 19. The angels told Lot to take his daughters and go! How does Scripture record his response? "but he hesitated." How did the Lord respond to his hesitation? God had "compassion" on him. The angels "seized" their hands and "put" them outside the city.
My heart was warmed at reading this. If we have no clear indication as to why he hesitated the best way to interpret this is from the only clue we are given to his motives... that they are those of a righteous man. I don't think Lot was admiring his earthly possessions in a materialistic fashion. I think Lot was asking the very same questions we'd be asking... "Lord, what about my daughters? They were pledged to be married and the men laughed at me when I said your angels were gonna destroy the city?! Lord, but how will we live if leave like this? Lord, what about this... that?" Lot was faced with a difficult decision and he froze. This is even more implied in God having compassion on him in this moment. For those of us who are prone to being timid and shy and introverted... we know there are times when our friends have had to give us a good kick to take a step out of our security to build a friendship, speak up on an issue we were passionate about, make a difficult decision, ask the person out/express our interest in them, etc. Sometimes this kick comes from God Himself as we take a leap of faith, say no to the tendency to overwork ourselves, as we take a step in a direction of ministry and perhaps close a door to one at the same time.
In these moments and before they even come (because I know they will) I have often prayed that God would show me "compassion." I pray that He would lead me when I am weak and carry me by His grace. But as I trust Him in that I also pray that He would break these chains of introverted bondage. I pray that He would alleviate my fear of man and his opinions. I pray that I would live as if the Lord is the only one watching. For me this means living in light of who God has sanctified me to be and not who my personality cages me into. Oh do I pray for this! My heart is not who I am on the outside. I want to be more real! My heart is one that desires to pray for others immediately when they ask unconcerned about the public eye (while discerning of course). My heart is one that desires to forsake my schedule for someone in need of counsel or encouragement. My heart is one that wants to be free to put homework down to help a friend with their sermon preparation. My heart is one that desires to sing out to the Lord in worship even if I can't hit the notes right. My heart wants to raise my hands in all sincerity as I seek the Lord in song and give Him due praise. My heart is one that loves people and continually prays that this love would grow in its outward expression. My heart is one that desires to be a shepherd, a gentleman, and a bearer of truth in whatever circumstance. These things are not easy. These past few weeks one of the things I've been seeking the Lord for is that He would break these chains. He has been gracious. He's allowed me to step outside myself and pay close attention to interpersonal relationships and friendly interaction. In preaching they say one of the worst things that can happen to you is becoming self-aware... that is to be in middle of the preaching event and actually realize what you are doing as you do it. After experiencing this enough I believe it's possible to make it work for you. This is especially the case when it comes to interpersonal relationships. If you can recognize that you are becoming self-aware, you must only accept what is useful about your thoughts and dismiss the rest. That is to dismiss all the paranoid concerns about what the other person is thinking of you. It's to dismiss the temptation to analyze when you should really be listening to the person you're spending time with. It's to dismiss the fears that you may fumble your words or miscommunicate. If these fears are overwhelming it would be better to pause, close your eyes, take a breath, and say something like, "I'm trying to put this into words" or "Can you hold on a second? I want to give you my full attention." Expressing yourself is better than risking misunderstanding. Doing this will allow you to be highly aware of what you're saying and perhaps communicate more effectively. This takes a lot of mental gymnastics that all has to happen in a flash, but I believe it's possible. It takes practice and failure. One could say it's becoming self-aware of being self-aware as it is happening.
I say all that to say God must be our first appeal in the struggle with timidity. Seek His help. We can only overcome things by the Spirit. Mental tactics are worth nothing if you don't have the strength to do them. Last night I went to a South Asian church service. The church was located in what is affectionately called the "Little India" of Chicago. Their ministry is primarily done in a Hindu and Muslim context. I was blessed by the genuine simplicity of these international Christians. They aren't getting caught up in church marketing techniques, mega-church business tactics, and all the frivolous things contemporary American Christianity has manufactured. It was an interesting experience for me on a number of levels. I didn't really know anyone there. My roommate didn't go and I took the trip on my own. The church filled about 16 of its 33 chairs in the congregation. It was thoroughly real. Out of all my appreciation with it however and even with the fact that it was my 2nd visit, it would quality as a new environment in my eyes.
As I can only share from my own experience, I would say that the more familiar and stable an environment is to me... the easier I can be myself. The more aware of the (1) environment I am the easier it is to function comfortably. This environment was loaded with another culture and I even went to dinner with them afterward to eat the food of the culture! My roommate prepared me a little, but I was very concerned about my actions and words so as to not offend the culture. Not only was the environment new, but the (2) people were new. While I had met a few of them they were essentially new. They were new personalities to examine. They were new living file cabinets of personal experiences to engage, interact with, and perhaps to learn from. They all had pasts and their own stories of how God had worked and molded them into who He has them today. The other Moody students that attended were all Missionary kids that lived life here through different lenses than my own American set of assumptions. More than the people, the (3) circumstances were new. I was there alone. I didn't know the area and had to take a walk to the restaurant (to which I didn't know the name). I could go on all day listing little particular things that entered my mind that I wasn't prepared for. My connection points were the fact that these were believers and we were of the same spiritual family, there were a few Americans that I could identify with, and that I was somewhat prepared for the evening by my roommate. Often when these factors come together in my introversion, it has taken an hour or more for me to readjust to a familiar environment, circumstances, and people. The Lord has been good in helping me to shorten that time frame more and more.
In class today I was telling a friend about my experience with this church last night and I told her that often in those moments I go into a form of autopilot. This means I can't think on my feet nearly as well or perhaps at all. I become detached from the situation and the rough knowledge and experience take over. Innovation, creativity, concentration, flow of thought, and decision-making all go out the window. These moments are not fun. Often I become angry at myself because I wanted to be a better help to someone or communicate effectively, but the chains of introversion remain until dissipation. My friend asked me, "how do you meet people then?" As I considered this question I would have to say if the proportion of these 3 external elements (mentioned above) sway more toward the familiar or toward certainty, I can handle meeting new people. This is an abundant frustration, but it is my thoughtful reality worked out.
All of this can be defined simply as a struggle with "uncertainty." I like knowing what's next. I like planning ahead. I don't like taking leaps of faith. I don't like relying on others. The honest truth is however that ministry is FULL of uncertainty. Last night a man I'd known for a few hours shared what God was showing Him and his struggle with it. He then looked at me, paused, and said, "So what's your counsel?" Imagine all of these things going on in someone's mind and then SURPRISE! Ministry moment! Do you see why I pray so hard? We have to pray.
Experience tells us that God can most be glorified when we take leaps of faith. In those times He is able to show off. He is able to provide in ways we never imagined. The more leaps we take the more leaps we're able to take. The more leaps we take in one area the more we can take in others. Take chances! Make the first move! Close your eyes and do it! Can I be honest? If you are an introvert and you want to build more friendships and do more for the Lord and take those opportunities we so often miss... ask yourself, "how sick of this am I really?" Life was not meant to be lived in a cage! We can't even legitimately seek the Lord's help in seriousness if we aren't willing to cooperate with Him and "do [the] good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I wouldn't have sought Him if I wasn't sick of myself... sick of holding back who I am and being concerned about what people think... sick of being too shy to express my interest in a woman. I am sick! Therefore I am now ready to ask the Lord for opportunities and open doors and to WALK through those doors. If we fail... at least we tried. If we fail again... who cares? If we fail again... it probably went better than the first time. If we can trust God for the help we have asked of Him then we can take those leaps and believe for His faithful sovereign hand.
A FEW WORDS TO WOMEN WITH INTROVERTED GUY FRIENDS:
1. Be wise about your friendliness and be willing to tone it down.
-I think I am right in saying that you want good friendships with your brothers in Christ. This hopefully includes the shy guys. Because we spend so much time thinking, we often have much to offer that people don't expect. We are often very deep, emotional, analytical, sensitive creatures. I LOVE getting to know what's going in the lives of my female friends. I LOVE to listen to their heart and their strong opinions. I LOVE helping to bridge communication gaps between the sexes and try to understand where they are coming from, share with them where we are coming from... and to do that in a no-nonsense way. All of this is not easy however. We have all kinds of reputation concerns, taboos, unspoken rules, and junk that can be so ridiculous at times. This is illustrated well in a time when I told a guy friend that a female friend of mine had been confiding in me (no, I didn't share what she said). His immediate question was wondering if we were becoming more than friends. Why does that question even come up?!?
This mindset can be easy for the introvert to fall into. It's not unusual for him to not have many friendships... especially with women. If he's shy on average it will only be amplified with a woman. Why? Because if he's single and desires to one day be married... he's probably been praying for that woman and anyone could be it, right? Even you! If you're too much yourself or too extroverted with him, it wouldn't be hard for him or take him long to be attracted to you. You see he's so shy that it's easier for him to interpret your care, concern, attention, and time spent as being interested in him. Why? Because he's absolutely terrified at the thought of doing what a guy is supposed to do: to pursue a woman. It takes much less work to contrive a string of situations together and connect dots that may not exist that can help him to build his own interest in you and come to a place where he KNOWS you are the one. This can all be done without your knowledge behind the scenes. If you simply want his friendship, be aware of this possibility from the beginning and order your steps wisely, choose your words wisely, and guard his heart. The best thing to do is to have a DTR up front. When you see the friendship becoming more than "hi...bye" in the hallways, put it all out on the table and discuss it as soon as reasonably possible. No one likes being hurt or hurting someone else. Forsake your apprehensions and just be out with it so it doesn't sneak up on you. As this is done however, don't make the guy feel weird. This is a delicate balance I know, but introverts can be more easily influenced than you think. Words and body language mean a lot. The worst thing you can do is to make it awkward. That's why the open communication is important. Keep the flow of communication open always. Pick your battles of course, but bring up stuff and talk through it while it's still relevant.
2. Remember they are real people.
-No one likes being a backup anything... or at least knowing they are one. It's not unusual for someone to be more comfortable being who they really are with a member of the opposite sex when they have no attraction to them. For ladies with introverted guys this can be dangerous. As conveyed above, if you're naturally extroverted... if you're the type to laugh with your whole body (if you know what I mean)... and you can do so without reservation because you have no interest in a guy, it may communicate exactly the opposite of what you feel. Be mindful of this. What can come with this though is a kind of security in going to the guy for counsel, to vent, or to relax. You can have this security because you don't think it will go anywhere. There's nothing wrong with that, but remember that he is a friend just like any other friend. He's not a friend that you'll only go to see at night like Nicodemus when he went to see Christ. He's a guy that you're free to say hi to in public even if he may hardly be able to say hi back. He's a guy that needs to see you as approachable and needs you to respond the same to him as anyone else regardless of his nervous body language, lack of eye contact, or whatever else. Don't put him in a another category, eliminate categories!
3. What if you are attracted to him?
-This is a hard place to be. While levels of introversion are different, pursuing a woman is scary for many guys. I've often struggled inside about when and how to pursue. My struggle and reasoning has been something like this: "How do I know to pursue if I don't know if it's mutual or not? I don't see any 'signs' (signs are a whole other discussion). I don't know how to pursue. What is too forward? What's a good time frame? I hope the friendship can remain unchanged if she's not interested." A friend said something very convicting to me as I thought about these things. He asked, "if the woman actively shows interest first, is she not initiating?" Ouch. Let the guy pursue you. Resist the temptation to flood his facebook wall with invitations to events and all the other things you ladies can do. If he is unwilling to take the leap the of faith to pursue you... imagine how hard it will be for him to lead in the relationship itself. Imagine how hard it will be for him as a husband... a father? This battle is his own.
Pray hard. Pray that if it's the Lord's will, that this guy's desire for you would well up in him so much that he must act. While I'm no expert, God has shown me that I must be the man he calls me to be. This is to be a man who can be "strong" and have "courage" and as I seek to be a pastor to be "one who manages his household well." These things can't be done if my introversion has such a hold on me that I can't even express my interest in a woman to begin with. This takes time, practice, and God's mercy. Thank the Lord for His mercy! On a side note as well... if you are confident that you're not attracted to the introverted guy and never will be (after all he's socially awkward at times and not your type anyway), you must remember the undeniable reality (as it applies of course!): You are both single and God is still sovereign. Be open to the Spirit's guidance... in whatever direction!
4. Encouragement never falls on deaf ears.
-Just as the Lord showed compassion to Lot through His angels, show compassion and be an encouragement to these guys. Encourage them to get out of their comfort zone. If you discern they can take it, it may even be helpful to "seize" them and "put" them in a situation that will help them grow. I hesitate in saying this however, because it's often not the case. I've lost count of times when my female friends have shoved me into a situation that only made me want to hide under a rock as my face turned red and I messed it up royally. Don't do this. It can destroy his confidence. I usually cave in just because she's a woman. Not sure how else to say that or explain it, but it's easier to say no to guys. Often ladies will have good intentions about this and they'll want their brothers in Christ to grow so they give the guy a nudge when it feels more like an 18-wheeler just pushed them onto a broadway stage to perform in front of thousands of paid customers. Most often the best thing to do is encourage and point out opportunities. I cannot stress enough that the majority of growth for an introvert has to come from Him taking his own leaps of faith. Encourage him to seek the Lord for the necessary courage.
This must be a personal thing. The relationship he has with his heavenly Father is where the strength will come from and that has to be done as he is alone with the Lord. He can be more free in his prayers, worship, and in the very motives of his heart best when he's alone before God. He needs to be unhindered by his introverted fears and worries that come when he's around other people. When you encourage his walk with the Lord in this area you will also take the focus off of yourself. The last thing many ladies would want is to have a prayer time with him about his struggles only for him to focus on their voice as they pray for him or for him to be romantically attracted to their spiritual maturity and willingness to pray. You wouldn't want to be his primary source of encouragement either because when failure comes he will go back to you. This can create a level of vulnerability and sensitivity that you may not want directed your way. This is pain and failure he needs to bring before the throne and wrestle with God about. Let him do that.
In Conclusion: God loves the timid and faint of heart. He has taught me so much in the past few years and especially the past few weeks. I hope it has helped you and will help someone in the future. As I grow the Lord is giving me a burden for the introverts among us. Is there a ministry for the introverted? Maybe there should be. This blog entry may have been a book to read in its length, but it's a testimony of God's grace and faithfulness and that's something that simply can't be short-changed.
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